MIL wants to do lovely days out but wants us to pay for everything

[BadgerSetGo]

Background is MIL claims to not have a lot but has paid off her mortgage, works part time and lives what I think of as a very nice lifestyle. Lots of restaurants, nails done, gym memberships etc. she does claim to struggle but she spends a lot of luxuries. She is on her own.

She wants to meet us for various days out which she suggests- fancy things like kids theatre days or theme parks but thinks it's categorically wrong for her to pay anything towards this. I'm talking about paying her own way not paying for us or DC. She won't even pay for a drink when out with us, she acts like another child who doesn't have access to any money.

There is a huge backstory to this and her believing DH should provide for her. She says all her friends have lovely sons who book all kinds of activities for them to do with their grandchildren and she always makes sure to tell us that the grandparents are never expected to pay a penny!

My parents are the opposite and want to treat us all the time. How do we navigate all these treat days MIL wants to do without burning bridges and being rude or coming across as mean? Or is it normal to pay for a grandparent every time for things like this?

[Peachy2005]

@SavBlancTonight

I don't think it's reasonable but I don't think my opinion is relevant. What's more important is a) what is normal within DH's family and b) what is affordable for you and him?

A similar situation we're dealing is that my family would not dream of an elderly relative coming to live directly with anyone. DH's family consider this perfectly normal. MIL wants to live with us. I can't say if this is reasonable or not because it IS in their family. The question becomes whether or not me and DH are able and willing to do this.

@SavBlancTonight I think we all know the brunt of this will fall on you (not DH) so if you don’t fancy it, you should put your foot down and get your DH on the same page. This was the norm in lots of families years ago, but it’s not any more….and it’s pretty cheeky of her to be inviting herself to live with you if she hasn’t been asked.

[journeyofsanity]

'Oh we can't afford it. We have massive mortgage payments each month. One day we hope to be in your position of having no mortgage and no big expenses. It would be so nice to one day be able to treat our dc and dgc but right now we need to tighten our belts...'

[Fundays12]

Never heard of this at all. My mum and I treat each other to lunch but she wouldn't expect us to pay for shows etc for her nor would my MIL. It's quite the opposite often in the sense that the MIL often pays for certain family members kids to go places (not ours but we don't feign poverty whilst spending hundreds on nights out and booze)

[GreenFingersWouldBeHandy]

make excuses and keep the invites to simple and normal things

Why post then ignore ALL the advice you have been given?

This is a problem for your DH to sort out with his mother.

[Dixiechickonhols]

No it’s not normal. It’s very princessy of her. I’d usually find the opposite with my mum if her wanting to pay.
Your dh needs to speak to her.
If you like spending time with her I’d have days out but low cost, take a picnic.
Have a stock phrase if she suggests an expensive trip eg no that’s outside our budget.
Suggest she buys tickets for child’s birthday or Christmas instead of a gift eg panto tickets for everyone.

[MrsMullerBecameABaby]

@5128gap

If she owns a house outright and is still working, I'm sure your husband stands to gain more in inheritance than he's shelling out now, to be fair.
However, if he doesn't want to pay for her, he needs to tell her straight, as clearly there is a lack of shared expectations here. It needs to come from him though not you, or you'll be getting the blame.

This is a ridiculous thing to bet on.

I worked in elderly care for a while and a shocking (to me at the time) number of ladies in their 80s and 90s had outlived their sons - not due to violent death or war anything, but men in their 50s and 60s dying of heart attacks and cancer mostly.

My own MIL died in her nid 60s sadly and her mother outlived her by a couple of years.

Decline her suggestions and be utterly blunt about them being too expensive to pay for for three adults, and only invite her on cheap or free outings.

She and her friends may have a culture of boasting about how successful their children are and how they treat them (seeing this as a status symbol of success) - it's likely most of them are either exaggerating or manipulating their adult children into these displays of apparent wealth. MIL will probably be uncomfortable with a frank admission that the outings are too expensive but if you aren't shy about mentioning that every time she'll adapt to cheap or free or offer to pay her own way.

[saraclara]

She doesn't get to dictate days out that she doesn't even pay her own way for.

So it's pretty simple "Sorry Mum, but we're economising at the moment and it costs ££££. Why don't you come and join us for Sunday lunch instead and we can go for a walk?"

And if she says she can't afford the petrol, maybe he can bring up that she finds the money to have her nails done and go out for meals, so it makes him a bit sad that she prioritises those things over the cost of driving to see her grandkids.

I'm a grandma, and given that even on my pensions I have more disposable income than my DDs and their partners, I treat them to most outings. But even if that wasn't the case, I'd economise on any of my personal treats in order to see my grandkids.

[Haysmiths]

Your MIL sounds very much like a 'Disney' type grandma. Doesn't want to look after/play/engage with her grandchildren unless there is something materially beneficial to her such as free food/drinks/tickets/experience/distraction.

I sympathise OP. My DM is exactly like this and 20 years ago, when my DC were younger, I didn't mind funding her as I enjoyed it and wanted her to be very much of my DC's lives. That was her terms, and at the time I agreed with it. I did feel, however, that she had this expectation that I 'owed' her for bringing me up or for doing me a favour like looking after my DC in an emergency. Like your MIL, she had plenty of money of her own.

I did look through her bank statements and bills, as she also pleaded poverty and wanted to help her budget. I found that even over estimating her bills, she had £700 per month spare to spend on herself! Added to that she had over £200K in savings and no mortgage. She still claimed she couldn't possibly spend that and needed to save! She just wouldn't accept it and refused to change her opinion on the matter.

I realised she was mean with both her money and love and actually she had no interest in my DC or me and was utterly selfish and self absorbed. She has never treated us either. I think she viewed us all as accessories and everything was for show/presenting a good face. I don't bother with her anymore. I invite her for a home cooked meal for special events only. I don't prioritise spending time with her anymore. You reap what you sow! When she starts going on about the wonderful children of her friends who treat them, I counter it by telling me about the lucky friends of mine and their DC who are treated by their parents and who adore spending time with their grandchildren.

Ultimately you have to do what is best for you. Whilst you can put up with it now, you may not be able to later and the resentment may grow. Alternatively you can just accept that she only wants to see her GC on days out and be treated and therefore put up with it with good grace.

[Lesvacances]

Tell her school fees have gone up so any days out will be funded by Tesco vouchers and she'd better start saving them!

[raisingthebarbell]

Based on the number of people I know with big houses/kids in private school, ‘making sacrifices’ and ‘on a budget’ is all relative. Will you be going on a holiday abroad this year? You might see your downgrade from 2 week 5 to 10 days 4 as a sacrifice (& of course it is) but you’re still enjoying a lovely holiday costing more than most families would dream of spending. Do you own and run 2 decent cars or take the bus Where do you shop? You may well have saved a fortune shopping in Sainsbury’s over Waitrose but to then say you can’t afford to pay for MIL occasionally is prioritising your lifestyle and I can understand why she’s put out..

All that said, this is down to your DH to sort and she does sound particularly demanding.

[MoBabyMoProblem]

If I was in this scenario I would simply only do free things E.g the park. Take a water bottle with your own drinks and one for MIL take your own snacks enough for MIL if she wants some. And if she mentioned anything about getting something to eat in a park cafe or drinks etc. Just tell her what you've brought along if she doesn't want it then she can buy whatever extras she wants herself lol.

[SlightlyJaded]

Maybe she needs to hear it bluntly - from DH. Along the lines of:

"I'm not sure what impression you have of our lifestyle, but we have made a decision to put almost every penny we can spare towards a mortgage and education so DC have a nice home and the best school we can afford. However, these commitments come at a push and leave us with very little disposable income . We therefore can't afford to do theme parks and theatres on a whim - never mind pay for you. The Sunday lunch invite still stands whenever you are able to manage to get here. We know the kids would love the chance to actually chat and engage with you, so please do try."

[Beautiful3]

I would just say, "sorry I can't afford it". Invite her over for the odd Sunday lunch. You don't have to arrange days out, just because someone suggests it.

[Mumofnarnia]

urrrggghhh I used to have a mother in law like this! She literally cost me and ex dh thousands! She was a user and thought she was entitled to spend our money and thought nothing of draining her own son and DIL of money! But my ex wouldn’t stop pandering to her.
The only way I put a stop to this was divorcing my ex husband. Obviously not just for those reasons but the financial turmoil caused a massive strain on our relationship, among other things, but that was one usually the main topic of our arguments

[WindUpPenguin]

She says all her friends have lovely sons who book all kinds of activities for them to do with their grandchildren and she always makes sure to tell us that the grandparents are never expected to pay a penny!

Tell her (or actually get your DH to tell her) that all your friends have lovely parents who book all kinds of activities for their children and grandchildren to do and make sure to tell her that the grandparents cover all the costs.

[jemimapuddlepluck]

I love my MIL but she is like this. We are doing ok at the moment but, same as you, we make sacrifices for certain things. Her boyfriend also tags along. They suggest a meal out somewhere then just sit there when it's time for the bill. It means we don't go out with them anymore. The last meal we went out for, I asked for the bill then handed it over and said it was their turn. They fumbled about but they did pay it. Earlier that week my DH had taken a day off work to fix a fence for MIL that her partner (who stays there a lot!) had driven into. Nah, not paying. Can't be bothered anymore we just go to the house now. Just turn down her invites.

[Coyoacan]

Surely it shouldn't just be the grandparents paying, or just be the parents paying, but depending on who has the money available at that moment.

But if your MIL suggests an activity, she should be the one treating

[thethinendofthewedge]

I asked for the bill then handed it over and said it was their turn

I wish more people would do this to skinflint CFers!

[alwaysawaster]

@WindUpPenguin

She says all her friends have lovely sons who book all kinds of activities for them to do with their grandchildren and she always makes sure to tell us that the grandparents are never expected to pay a penny!

Tell her (or actually get your DH to tell her) that all your friends have lovely parents who book all kinds of activities for their children and grandchildren to do and make sure to tell her that the grandparents cover all the costs.

Exactly - It's all for show and bragging with her mates.

[Noicant]

Take her to the park for 4 hours with a flask of tea.

[ComeOnYouSummer]

You thanks but you’re welcome to join us for a trip to the park. No thanks but you’re welcome to come to ours for lunch. No thanks we’ve already seen that film. No thanks, no thanks.

[MaggieFS]

Next time she suggests a big day out, how about

"Sorry we can't afford that this time, but let's meet in the park because DC loves the playground and we can treat you to a hot chocolate".

So you're still offering something out and about, but getting across the you aren't an endless money tree.

[jemimapuddlepluck]

@thethinendofthewedge

I asked for the bill then handed it over and said it was their turn

I wish more people would do this to skinflint CFers!

It's hard to stand your ground because once you put your foot down, you are the baddie. I have stopped caring. She is lovely most of the time, she raised amazing children but whenever I picture her, it's her stood with her hand out 😬 she is just very entitled.

[Dixiechickonhols]

It’s the for show and being ‘treated’. I’m sure she’d come for lunch if dh picked her up and drove her back.
It’s really grating and all that will happen is you won’t want to spend time with her.