Silent treatment

[InvisibleMe2]

Getting divorced. I initiated it after 3 weeks of stonewalling, begging him to talk to me, being told he didn’t love me when I was “like this”, being told I had been awful since we had kids and things would be better if I stopped bulling him. (I’m in counselling and don’t think I am a bully, he just said this when I asked for help/asserted myself).

Still in the same house and going through court to sort things out and he isn’t happy with any mediator I suggest and apparently too busy to find one. It’s been nearly 18 months now. He hasn’t spoken to me or looked at me in all that time, even in front of primary age kids. He will communicate by email, but sometimes takes weeks to respond.

I never in a million years thought it would be like this. AIBU to think the silent treatment isn’t normal even in this situation? I don’t expect to be best friends, but it would be helpful if he could answer e.g. if I ask him where the kids’ shoes are, or if I could tell him I’ve given one of them calpol (so I know he knows, rather than sending an email).

I think I’m going mad and wondering if I deserve this for initiating the divorce…

That is really awful behaviour. It's so childish as well.

Surely people can't keep on like this, where they refuse mediation and stop the divorce happening for no good reason?

Mediation can't work when someone is refusing to participate. What does your solicitor say?

Have given up hope for mediation now. The ball is in his court to find a mediator he is happy with as he is not happy with any I suggest. That’s why its going through court. It just takes a long time to go through the process and get a hearing date…
I just wish things were more bearable in the meantime. Being ignored completely even in front of the kids is so painful. I’m trying hard to be strong but it’s really damaging my self esteem, making me doubt myself, causing me to ruminate.
i just wish there was something I could do.

He is a bully and abusive. Just keep going, one day soon you will be free of him.

How is his behaviour affecting the kids? Would he change for their benefit? Does he love them enough to do this?

I was living in the same house with my stbxh, own room but sharing kitchen. I had to move out because my ex wouldn’t stop hassling me. Bombarding me with texts, email and verbally. I was lucky I had somewhere to go. I guess you can’t do this or you would have done it by now.

Perhaps leave a notice pinned to the medicine cabinet ref things like the calpol thing. But send an email and take a photo of notice as well.

If the silent treatment is being used to punish you, can you start acting as if you’re not that bothered? Start singing or humming as if you are a happy little bunny.

You are in a really difficult situation. The only thing that helped me was private therapy, but many people can’t afford that.

Thanks for all the replies. Just feeling really lonely dealing with it. The tip about the notice on the medicine cupboard is a good idea.

I guess the silent treatment is to punish me, but I don’t really know because he hasn’t told me. I have asked what I need to do for communication to improve, but he hasnmt responded.

I guess he might say it is to avoid conflict, which is what he always used to say - that I wanted to bully him, cause arguments, bicker - but it just felt like a way of shutting me down to be honest. I really don’t want to argue. But I guess how would anyone know that. I think they’d just believe him that I’m an awful person and he needs to ignore me…