Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

Original poster

To distance myself from a friend who keeps making the same mistake

12 replies

noteggen · 20/03/2023 05:59

So frustrated right now.

My closest friend just went through an awful time because she was dating a man who was going through a divorce. He told her multiple times he was happy to date casually but wasn't looking for anything serious.

She dedicated all her time and energy to him nonetheless, at the expense of everything and everyone else.

She got infatuated, thought she could change his mind and make him fall for her. It inevitably ended in (her) heartbreak.

She's just recovered from that and has met another man also going through a divorce who has told her he doesn't want anything serious.

She's only just met him and history is repeating itself again.

I love her dearly but I am absolutely drained at the thought of supporting her through this a second time.

I have been very vocal about pointing out she's heading for the same train wreck she's just recovered from but she insists this time it's different.

What do I even say to her? I dread picking up the phone to her at the moment as I'm so irritated by it.

It's 6am in the morning and she's already text me to tell me she's going to change the summer plans she had with her cousin as she's hoping divorcedman2 will go on a trip with her.

I'm lost for words.....

OP posts:

rwalker · 20/03/2023 06:21

Have one direct conversation with her then leave it
when it inevitably goes tits up don’t engage with it

tbh sounds like she wants the drama

something2say · 20/03/2023 06:34

Be a friend, but on your terms. I'd limit my involvement if it was irritating me.

Mummyboy1 · 20/03/2023 06:40

I would take a step back from the friendship but I wouldn't end it personally. She's obviously got some kind of issue, most likely her childhood. What's the relationship like with her dad? Did she have a good role model/ male figure in her life growing up?

GiveMe5 · 20/03/2023 06:50

I've been in a similar situation with a friend. I supported her for YEARS through all of the ups and (mostly) downs. In the end, I told her that if she wanted to start things up again (after he'd called it a day for the 100th time) that I didn't want to hear about it. Sounds harsh but, as you say, it's draining and I'd had enough.

Mammothwoollyjumper · 20/03/2023 07:22

I think you need to have a bit more sympathy with your friend - this is only the second time it's happened. Depends a bit your age too I think there gets to be a point where a lot of single guys are divorced.

CatMattress · 20/03/2023 07:27

Mammothwoollyjumper · 20/03/2023 07:22

Sure, but explicitly stating they're not looking for a relationship? She needs to listen.

echt · 20/03/2023 07:29

Your title is misleading. Your friend doesn't keep making the same mistake, she's done it once and it might be happening again. That's far from being a pattern.

notsayingmuch · 20/03/2023 07:44

You don't have to support another adult with their relationships. You can just say 'that's nice, dear' or something similar and then quickly move the conversation onto something that you are both interested in.

icelollycraving · 20/03/2023 07:49

How about saying something along the lines of, Sue, think how hurt you were when Steve and you weren’t on the same page. Be cautious and have fun, but don’t put your life on hold for someone who is casually dating.
She’s an adult. Dating is difficult if you allow it to be.

TheGuv1982 · 20/03/2023 07:50

I’ve had two very close friends like this, man and a woman. Both separately made the same terrible choices time and time again. It ruined one of them.

if something happens a 2nd time it’s unfortunate. By the 4th time of lessons not being learned it’s clear nothing you say or do will encourage a healthy change.

Its a really sad thing to watch I find.

LolaSmiles · 20/03/2023 07:53

I wouldn't distance yourself from her, but would have limited time and emotional energy to invest in the same cycle of poor relationship decisions.

These men have been very upfront about their status and their level of interest/commitment.

I'd advise her to focus on finding a man who wants similar things as her, for example if she wants a relationship then she needs to stop jumping into casual hook ups and hoping it will become more. If she ignores this advice then I'd have some fairly basic lines ready and avoid getting caught up in the drama.

Coffeeandchocs · 20/03/2023 08:07

OP, I think you’re being quite harsh to your friend, what she’s done isn’t a lifetime of poor decisions. She’s made the mistake once before.
You’ve said your piece to her, that you think this relationship will end badly. Now you back off, let her get on with her life. And I mean that in the sense that you can continue your friendship, but stop being “very vocal” about her relationship. She’s an adult.

Flip