Caught between my DC and my mum on Mother’s Day, WIBU?

[Embarrassedatschool]

There was an event at my DCs school today for Mother’s Day. Most of Key Stage 2 where there (so most of Years 3 to 6) plus younger ones with siblings in KS2 and over 95% of DCs class, and then around 75-80% of the other 2 Y4 classes – DC is 8, almost 9 but one of the youngest in their class (July born).
My mum came to this event with me.

Halfway through there was a bit of quiet while the Y4s got themselves organised for their next bit on stage and my mum loudly asks me “So which teacher is Mrs X (Headteacher) that (DCs name) doesn’t like very much? The one who told them off when they did X”

My DC went bright red and refused to stay on stage, ran off crying and didn’t show their face for the rest of the event.

My mum has refused to apologise and says that it’s just what she does and she wasn’t lying as DC doesn’t like their HT much – DC does like the headteacher but on one particular day DC had had an awful day and been sent to the HT to calm down (not as a punishment) and DC didn’t like that as they felt watched and even if DC didn’t like the HT there was no need for my mum to ask me so publicly and loudly, she could of asked about it after the event.

DC has refused to go to the Mother’s Day Lunch because they think the HT and/or classmates will see them and ask them. DC is really private and doesn’t like anyone else knowing that they even exist, they have friends at school though and where quite upset and embarrassed. I’m a single parent so had to bring DC home.

Mums now saying DC has ruined Mother’s Day by being a brat, and DC could have just let it go because the HT doesn’t care, and it was only the truth. I've tried explaining that it's not about the HT herself, DC is fine with them, DC just did not need most of the school knowing and there was no need to ask me. Mum refuses to accept she was in the wrong and in fact laughed and said "That's just me, take me or leave me"

So WIBU Mum or DC?

I of course will not be inviting mum to any future events.

Your DM was massively unreasonable.

I think people say things like, 'Take me or leave me,' or 'I say it as I see it,' etc as an excuse for rude or upsetting behaviour.

This could be something that your DD remembers for a long time: back her and support her.

Gosh your mother sounds unpleasant.

Of course she’s the one in the wrong. If she won’t apologise, be very clear how fucked off with her you are. And if there’s something you were planning on including her in coming up - I’d consider not including her. She sounds very emotionally immature and clearly the only way to get her to behave is to give her very clear boundaries (much like a child).

Sometimes we say things that are unintentionally embarrassing for others but for her to say DC has ruined Mothersday is well out of order. I would be giving Mum a lesson in consequences if she can't apologise then why would DC want to see her.

You aren't caught between anyone here, your mum was an asshole, and then dug her heels in saying she did nothing wrong. You defend your daughter, you aren't a martyr stuck between two parties here.

This.

She was extremely unkind to your DC and is completely unrepentant.
She's the one who ruined Mother's Day!
Doesn't deserve the chance to repeat the offence.

Thanks everyone will be keeping my distance from mum for awhile until she apologises.

Your DC will remember your mum doing this, even though they are young. I can vividly remember when my grandparent did something horrible. He's still alive and I don't speak to him, not necessarily on purpose but I don't make the effort to check on him or talk on the phone etc. Other than that one event, he was lovely but it ruined my view of him and I could only have been around 10yo. It's a shame that your DC will remember your DM doing these things and it's likely it will ruin their relationship as your DC grows up.

There is one adult in the people you are stuck between. And it was her behaviour that started it in the first place. She was incredibly insensitive and it taking not responsibility for it. Your mum is at fault.

It's not even complicated. Take your mum at her word and exclude her going forward.

Your mother was way out of order and rude to the boot. You might wait a loooong time for apology as people like this never do anything wrong and never apologise.

Had similar situation with older relative,after last incident at the funeral I refuse to sit beside her at any events and listen to her loud comments about people’s appearance and possibly family connections/feuds/speculatiins

I called her out on it,as loud as she was with her comments. That shut her up but she wasn’t even slightly embarassed.

Your Mum's a prick

Your mum is a dickhead.

I think you should send her a message now, so that she knows where you stand.

'You told me to take you or leave you. I've chosen to leave you.'

It's not even for you to accept an apology. Your DS has been horribly embarrassed and no apology can make up for that. It will stay with him for a long time. I wonder if he'll not want to go to school tomorrow.

I'd be inclined to reinforce it by telling her it will be a long time before she sees any of you again.

PS And you need to get it out of your head that you are caught between DS and your mother. You are not. You protect your son. Your mother can, to use her own approach, like it or lump it.

I would be leaving her until she apologised

maybe no contact for a while will make her realise how serious this is to your child

Mum refuses to accept she was in the wrong and in fact laughed and said "That's just me, take me or leave me"

Translation "I'm rude and I expect people to put up with it."

I think you know exactly the right choice to make, and you’ve written this because you’re looking for validation.
I don’t mean that in a “why are you looking for validation from strangers on the internet?” way either. Sometimes we need people who aren’t involved to give us the push.

Agree with PPs who’ve said people who say “I’m just like that” & “take me or leave me” know they’re being a dick and usually are allowed to get away with it. Don’t let her with your DC.

That's pointless. She doesn't consider she's done anything wrong, so what's the point of an apology?

Direct consequences. Don't invite her to anything else at DD's school, as she doesn't know how to behave.

If she keeps behaving badly, don't repeat those situations. If she challenges it, 'Sorry mum but no one else enjoys it because you say mean things. I expect you think they are over sensitive, but they don't understand why you keep upsetting them.'

And arrange to see her in safe ways, places where they don't have to mix with her much.

Sorry but your mum sounds awful and cruel to your DC.

Really weird

Wouldn't bother waiting for an apology. She doesn't see anything wrong with what she's done so why would she apologise?

Step back.

Until she learns how to play nicely, don't involve her.

Your DC will never forget you backing them up on this. It's no less than what they deserve.

Your mother is very lacking in emotional empathy. She's in the wrong 100%.
Support your dc and back them up emotionally.
Take dm at her word and be very vary of being with her in public ever again to avoid being embarrassed by her like that.. does she have mh issues?
Is this something which needs looking into or has she always been without a social barometer?

ZOMBIE