AIBU to struggle around my parents?
lemonontheside · 19/03/2023 11:15
I’m mid thirties. To be transparent and fair, my parents I do know love me, they have enabled me to have a reasonably secure life financially and have always been there one way or another. Being totally fair, most people think they are great, they are friendly, generous, have a good sense of humour etc. As I’ve got older I can see this and do enjoy their company at times.
As I grew up I was constantly compared to the younger sibling. I was very much the ‘difficult one.’ Other things went on like being dragged by my hair if I was playing up. I went on to have an eating disorder which was largely mocked and then ignored but I think at that time mental health wasn’t really seen as anything important. I won’t go into the rest but suffice to say that even today I am labelled in ways I don’t recognise in myself and I’m almost certain friends do not recognise (I’ve asked a very close one).
That’s the background. Thanks if you’ve read this far.
During covid I was pregnant. Early on in covid. The man I was with did not want the baby and ended things. I had a termination and my whole went into darkness. I absolutely could not cope. I was off work (unheard of for me), I remember now the black feeling every morning and I wanted to die. This started in june and continued until august when things lifted a little but I wasn’t myself until the following January really. During those three months I lived around 38 miles from my family. My parents were both 59, in good health, worked part time. My mum refused to stay at my house with me and said I just wanted a ‘captive audience’ and she would be trapped there with me. My dad made numerous comments about me continuing to cause them problems as an adult, just as I did as a child and that nothing had changed. They did come over maybe four times but made a huge fuss about the travel and that they were too old for it and I was ruining their lives. I said I was suicidal and begged them to come over one weekend and they refused, said they were going to IKEA and said they would have to get me into to a psychiatric unit. This was later in the pandemic, initially I was unable to stay with them because of covid and they were worried about it. My dad has asthma but my mum could have come to stay with me. I was so broken.
What hurts me is that even now, they will refer to this time in arguments about other things, and say I made their life hell, that everything was about me, that I am a nightmare as an adult as I was as a child.
The entire incident and their response just reminded me of how I felt as a child…unheard, a problem, an inconvenience. Like I say they are decent people generally which does make me second guess my reaction to it all but I feel so let down by them. I’ve felt it all my life even though I know they do love me. It’s really hard.
Am I being unreasonable?AIBU
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Nimbostratus100 · 19/03/2023 11:20
They were unable to support you when you really needed it. It is good that you are still able to appreciate what limited support they are able to provide, but don't expect or count on any more
SofiaSoFar · 19/03/2023 11:20
That sounds so difficult, OP.
I would think about this in the context of them not being your parents but being other family, or friends/acquaintances and how you'd feel about their behaviour then.
Would you feel the same way about their heartless rejection then?
JavaChip · 19/03/2023 11:23
I'd very much limit contact if I were you.
I'd imagine Mother's Day is tricky for you in many ways. Look after yourself today
mollycoddle77 · 19/03/2023 13:30
I think you should think about some talking therapy OP, your parents did not meet your needs as a child and they are not going to be able to meet your needs now. I have been through very similar with my own parents, and have had therapy over the years as well as continued to work on myself and my relationships with others. Only now that I'm 50 do I feel strong and comfortable in life. So I think there is a bit of a difficult journey ahead of you, but I can guarantee you it's worth it. I really feel for you, you deserved more, and I would encourage you to stop defending your parents actions, it wasn't good enough. Do also check out the stately homes running threads - they are full of people with similar experiences to yourself. All the best
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