I’m mid thirties. To be transparent and fair, my parents I do know love me, they have enabled me to have a reasonably secure life financially and have always been there one way or another. Being totally fair, most people think they are great, they are friendly, generous, have a good sense of humour etc. As I’ve got older I can see this and do enjoy their company at times.

As I grew up I was constantly compared to the younger sibling. I was very much the ‘difficult one.’ Other things went on like being dragged by my hair if I was playing up. I went on to have an eating disorder which was largely mocked and then ignored but I think at that time mental health wasn’t really seen as anything important. I won’t go into the rest but suffice to say that even today I am labelled in ways I don’t recognise in myself and I’m almost certain friends do not recognise (I’ve asked a very close one).

That’s the background. Thanks if you’ve read this far.

During covid I was pregnant. Early on in covid. The man I was with did not want the baby and ended things. I had a termination and my whole went into darkness. I absolutely could not cope. I was off work (unheard of for me), I remember now the black feeling every morning and I wanted to die. This started in june and continued until august when things lifted a little but I wasn’t myself until the following January really. During those three months I lived around 38 miles from my family. My parents were both 59, in good health, worked part time. My mum refused to stay at my house with me and said I just wanted a ‘captive audience’ and she would be trapped there with me. My dad made numerous comments about me continuing to cause them problems as an adult, just as I did as a child and that nothing had changed. They did come over maybe four times but made a huge fuss about the travel and that they were too old for it and I was ruining their lives. I said I was suicidal and begged them to come over one weekend and they refused, said they were going to IKEA and said they would have to get me into to a psychiatric unit. This was later in the pandemic, initially I was unable to stay with them because of covid and they were worried about it. My dad has asthma but my mum could have come to stay with me. I was so broken.

What hurts me is that even now, they will refer to this time in arguments about other things, and say I made their life hell, that everything was about me, that I am a nightmare as an adult as I was as a child.

The entire incident and their response just reminded me of how I felt as a child…unheard, a problem, an inconvenience. Like I say they are decent people generally which does make me second guess my reaction to it all but I feel so let down by them. I’ve felt it all my life even though I know they do love me. It’s really hard.