To think it's impossible to raise low self-esteem once you're an adult?

[howtoraiseselfesteem]

My self-esteem is so so so low. I think the absolute worst of myself all the time, most times without even realising it.

I recently resigned from my job and I'm convinced that they are happy to see the back of me, they were going to fire me anyway, I'm a burden and they regret hiring me. I have an email from my manager saying the opposite, yet my brain is clinging to one word in the email - that they 'understand' my decision. My brain is trying to tell me that they mean they understand why I'm leaving, that I've finally realised what a poorly performing employee I am and have finally got the hint to leave.

I know IABU and ridiculous, but I think it's impossible to change, it's so deeply ingrained in me

Oh I know exactly what you mean, I only actually realised recently that I have low self esteem. Like that it is a problem and not just normal to assume the worst over things. I am trying really hard to work on it. Listening to some podcasts that are helping me to build good habits and be kind to myself - it sounds trite but it's helping me to recognize the negative thoughts and challenge them. I've also had a bit of counselling that helped. I have to try really hard to not over think things, like I am pretty convinced a lot of friends don't really like me, I am trying to keep telling myself it's nonsense every time I think it and just push on with life. I don't really have an answer, but I do get it- I had a quite toxic family as a child and a lot of issues stem from it.

Just because it's deeply ingrained (probably from childhood) doesn't mean it's permanent. You CAN change the way you think about yourself - the first step is to understand why you think the way you do.

Have a look at this article;

www.betterrelationships.org.au/well-being/core-beliefs-self-acceptance

And this video;

And this book is a great guide;

www.amazon.co.uk/Responsibility-Rebellion-Unconventional-Approach-Empowerment/dp/154450912X

Counselling really helped me.

for the first few months after i finished counselling i felt like it hadn’t changed anything - but slowly the new way of looking at things changed how i viewed the past and myself now, for the better.

Ah, you can. You really can.

I had a real shit 💩💩💩childhood so can relate to your way of thinking its very familiar,

It's only last say 8 yrs ago, I realised this

CBT with the right therapist can have a huge impact on thoughts like these.

Please don’t live like this op. You absolutely can raise your self esteem, and indeed only you can do it for you. Counselling, therapy, self help groups or books? Any TED talks? It’s not a problem I have myself, I just felt so sorry reading your words at how shit you seem to feel about yourself. Life can be better.

Same here, OP.
I do try and surround myself with people who are kind, and who lift me up (I know you can't do that all the time though, like in work etc).

Therapy is good, if you can get it! I wish it would stop being suggested as the big fix to all problems. If you see your GP and ask for therapy due to self esteem, I can guarantee that their response would make your self esteem worse.

Absolutely disagree. Very strongly. However if you want to change how you feel you need to change how you think. And for that you may need help. Ie a psychotherapist to help you work through some stuff. And then CBT to stop catastrophising. Get outside and exercise. Just walking is fine. Gardening is even better.
You can change your life I promise you.

Absolutely you can change. Very few things are permanent in life. Take some control, choose to change. Addressing my mindset, practicing gratitude and trying to always find a positive slant on everything helped me.

Someone has told you your work is good. Why would you not accept it?

Honestly, our country is turning into a nation of people with self perceived problems which are not real.

I just wanted to say that you can acknowledge and challenge these thoughts indicates you have the capacity to change how you think. I completely understand. Above all please be patient with yourself, committing to this change isn't straight-forward but you can do it.

lots of therapies focus on 'increasing self esteem' as if 'self esteem' is a little box in your head that can be turned up. it isn't. it is a questionnaire that psychologists do that correlates with other stuff, but it doesn't cause anything.

if you want to be a good strong person, do those things - the little things everyday that mean you are doing a good job. whether that is putting the plates in the dishwasher or saying hello to a neighbour or whatever little things you do everyday. Doing those and doing them well matters more than any questionnaire.

So take your strength from the things you do and the people you care for. And do talk with a therapist too to help change how you think about things if that is something you want to do.

CBT can be useful for reframing thoughts - give it a go.

Are you aware how long some people are waiting for CBT? And these are people who are hanging on by a thread.

It's painful to live with low self esteem but it absolutely can be changed Op, and I say that as someone with a long history of abuse from those I trusted most. These days I know my worth and like a PP I think counselling can be hugely beneficial.

Hi OP. I feel exactly the same as you and no idea where to start to even try and change it. The non self loathing/self questioning is absolutely all consuming and exhausting. So I’m just popping in for solidarity and maybe tips

Which podcasts are you listening to?

But this is exactly what therapy is for, changing unhealthy patterns of thinking. Something you can literally only do as an adult not as a child.

FFS. Do you really believe this nonsense you posted? Do you know nothing about humans?

It is not 1953 any more. A little more is understood about psychology.

Well said.
If you have negative core beliefs about yourself, you can't accept any praise or approval because it contradicts your beliefs.

There's a book called 'why has nobody told me this before', written by a psychologist (Julie Smith I think was her name) which discusses and presents approaches to self help in many common obstacles to good mental health, including low self esteem. May be worth a look?

You can ABSOLUTELY raise your self esteem as an adult. As PPs have said it's about learning to un-learn those unhelpful thought patterns.

If you can afford to access counselling privately look on the BACPs website and see if you can find a counsellor that would suit your needs. As PP have said, CBT is good for this sort of thing. It probably does stem from your childhood.

If you can't afford private counselling you can ask your GP to refer you, or there are sometimes charity run counselling services that offer counselling for a smaller donation.

Thoughts are thoughts, not facts. Don't give those negative thoughts power they don't deserve.

Here is a helpful resource...
www.getselfhelp.co.uk/esteem-self-help-for-low-self-esteem/

Self-esteem can also be increased by starting a journal, and every evening write in it 3 things that you have done well that day and why.
They don't have to be massive things.

Like "sent friend a message to see how she was because I think of others...got up and dressed because I show up for myself....took some time out to relax because I respect my need to rest..." etc.

You can also find further activities here...www.therapistaid.com/therapy-worksheets/self-esteem/none