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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

DP never bloody listening

14 replies

Pizzatrip · 18/03/2023 21:28

How much would this annoy you?

DP regularly does my head in by not listening to what I say.. in isolation, each incident is really nothing and if anyone else
was the culprit (as a one off) then I wouldn’t bat an eyelid. Examples:

  • sent him shopping today and he bought reduced fat yoghurt for the baby despite explaining to him a couple of weeks ago that the really baby needs full fat
  • asked him to get some Ella’s Kitchen meals for the (11 month old) baby and he comes back with the 4+ month purée fruit style ones. I even told him before we went the particular “proper meal” one that she didn’t like. He did this a couple of weeks ago and I explained which ones she needs (though should be obvious)
  • Told him about David Attenborough being “cancelled” by the BBC the other day. We had a quick 30 second convo about it. An hour later his brother texts him about it and he
comes to tell me about it as if he’s never heard it.
  • Saw a restaurant pop up on Facebook that I thought looked good. Showed him and he agreed. The following week I suggested we go to said restaurant and it was like we’d never had the convo. Had to show him again and he said he couldn’t remember talking about it.

Theres a million more examples but you get the gist.

When I pull him up on it he gets really defensive. He’s got a bit of a chip on his shoulder due to me going to a top uni and being more academic than him (he’s more able than me in many other ways), so will often come back with “well I’m sorry I’m so thick”. It’s really not about being “thick” though, is it? Another one that boils my blood is blaming it on “being a man”.

He seems to manage very well at work in a complicated job, so can’t be too “thick” for that or affected by the disability of having a penis there!

Anyway… AIBU to be annoyed by this death by a thousand cuts of not listening?!

Also.. any suggestions on how to get through to him that it’s actually quite hurtful?!

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 18/03/2023 21:32

It boils down to a lack of respect for you and a lack of concern about your relationship. He simply can't be bothered. I'm sure he pays very close attention to things he actually cares about.

Men like this don't change.

Tothemoonandbackx · 18/03/2023 22:01

I got so exasperated when my ex dp used to do the same, so (and I know it's childish) I used to ask him if he'd heard me and to repeat what I'd said, so there was no coming back from it. He got more annoyed at me doing that, so when I talked about something that needed to be listened to, he'd automatically repeat it back to me.

Pizzatrip · 18/03/2023 22:03

It’s just so frustrating! He’s so great in other ways.. amazing dad, thoughtful and caring etc, but shit like this happens every other day and I want to scream.

OP posts:
Pizzatrip · 18/03/2023 22:04

Tothemoonandbackx · 18/03/2023 22:01

I got so exasperated when my ex dp used to do the same, so (and I know it's childish) I used to ask him if he'd heard me and to repeat what I'd said, so there was no coming back from it. He got more annoyed at me doing that, so when I talked about something that needed to be listened to, he'd automatically repeat it back to me.

I feel like doing this would enable it though as he’ll just expect me to make him repeat anything important and anything else is unimportant “fluff”

OP posts:
Dillydollydingdong · 18/03/2023 22:08

Mine just talks too much so that I can't get a word in edgewise. That's annoying.

thenightsky · 18/03/2023 22:09

40 odd years married and I swear that when my mouth opens, DH's ears slam shut. Even his dad, FIL, used to say, listen to your wife, she's talking sense!

GettingStuffed · 18/03/2023 22:09

This sounds like me, he goes into minute details about things and I lose interest. Interestingly enough I'd I say one word over the basic essential information he says I witter on.

Bunnyhascovidnoteggs · 18/03/2023 22:09

Could list a thousand things op.. Today's being we had cheese and onion crisps with cheese baguettes for lunch. I complained of heartburn all afternoon.. Dh suggests he go get a nice tea.... Came back with cheese and onion quiche...
He is now in a huff because I mentioned his error...

WigglyWigglyWiggly · 18/03/2023 22:10

I’ve posted about this exact problem before under a different username and you’ll get far too many responses that it’s your fault for micromanaging and that most couples don’t actually need to say anything to each other because they’re both so competent that they communicate through mindreading.

YANBU - it’s infuriating!

Pizzatrip · 18/03/2023 22:13

Aquamarine1029 · 18/03/2023 21:32

It boils down to a lack of respect for you and a lack of concern about your relationship. He simply can't be bothered. I'm sure he pays very close attention to things he actually cares about.

Men like this don't change.

Well yes, quite. Any news about Man City is retained immediately…

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 18/03/2023 22:36

Pizzatrip · 18/03/2023 22:13

Well yes, quite. Any news about Man City is retained immediately…

Exactly. So you have a choice. You can continue to live like this, as an afterthought in your own husband's life, or you can demand better. If that means he won't do better, you inform him you can do better and you leave him.

I've been married for 26 years. My husband has never once treated me this way. He has never ignored or dismissed me. I wouldn't fucking stand for it and he would never treat me that way because he respects me.

You say he's an amazing dad, ironically so does nearly every woman on MN who's in a shit marriage. An amazing dad doesn't treat the mother of his child like this. You're grasping.

ChickenMaths · 18/03/2023 22:44

Do you find if you need to ask him things via text you can only do one question at a time and wait for the answer. Putting more than one question in a message means only the first/last get answered.

It's like their brains can't retain information sometimes!

BCfan · 18/03/2023 22:46

Some people say it's lack of respect and maybe it is - you know him better than we do.

That said, I know plenty of people who seem to have memories of goldfish and happily watch the same films over again, tell you the same stories over again and also forget the stories you tell them. They just don't have brains that retain detail.

bedtimestories · 19/03/2023 00:22

I too have an amazing husband and fantastic hands on father to our two kids. He is soo forgetful, he too can't follow a shopping list with specific instructions. He can ask me upto 5 times a day what's for dinner, repeatedly asks me what our plans are etc. He performs exceptionally well at work, can easily recall details (names etc), so I let it slide and laugh about it

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