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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be bitter about DH's hobby?

15 replies

Lastofyou · 18/03/2023 19:32

My DH plays a sport. He trains once per week and plays matches on a Saturday. There have been matches every Saturday since last October except for two over Christmas. Even prior to that they were playing friendlies etc.

Our DC also play sport, sometimes on a Saturday but mainly on a Sunday so most Sundays we are both out with them (we have 4 so if it's not one of them it's another). Sometimes he is only out of the house for 4 hours, more often than not it's longer (today was 11 - 5). It means that I spend every Saturday cleaning the house, doing shopping, cooking and jobs etc so that we stay on top of everything for the following week.

I am getting so resentful and it really shows, I'm grumpy and mean. I want him to have his sport. It's good for his health and he loves it. He does contribute when he gets back but he needs to be directed. If I didn't do the jobs noone else would and it would be me that pays the price as I get more stressed than him. I do play a sport myself but it's only for a few hours in the evening a couple of times a week and I always make sure everyone is sorted before I go. He is also always knackered on a Saturday night and generally falls asleep on the sofa at 9 o'clock. We both work FT btw.

I feel like I can't win either way. I know he would hate not to play and he is a pivotal member of his team. He would resent me for not playing. He can't do anymore than he's doing to help out but the fact that he's physically not there for most of the day means he can't. It also means we never do anything as a family as we're never together.

I don't think I'm unreasonable feeling like this but I'd really appreciate some advice on how to deal with it.

OP posts:

Slimjimtobe · 18/03/2023 19:35

That’s really really hard. I think it’s good you get out in the evenings during the week. But it’s really sad that you are left with all the drudgery on a Saturday while he has fun

could he batch cook and clean one of the evenings ? I don’t know how you can get around this ? Could you go out on a Sunday (totally get that you want to do stuff as a family tough)

Curseofthenation · 18/03/2023 19:38

I think a lot of people will disagree as having a hobby is great for personal wellbeing, but I think that parents to young children should definitely carve out family time every weekend. If that means sacrificing a hobby that sucks up a lot of time on a weekend then so be it.

It sounds like you have absolutely no room for family days out due to his hobby. It's obviously been made a lot more tricky by your DC having a weekend hobby too, is there a possibility that they could change teams so that they consistently play on a Saturday too? It's the only other option really.

PaigeMatthews · 18/03/2023 19:40

The fact he needs to be directed to be an equal adult in the house does not match up with you saying he is doing his best. You're default parent. You're even the default adult in the house. A husband shouldn't be ‘helping out’. It is equally his house.

firstly, i wouldnt be getting ‘everyone sorted’ before you leave for your sport. Go for a bit longer and enjoy it. He is their father. He can manage. That might be enough to balance it out.

ErinAoife · 18/03/2023 19:44

It is not too bad, my ex husband was doing his hobby three nights during the week and all Saturday and Sunday morning.

TomatoSandwiches · 18/03/2023 19:57

What are the big jobs on Saturday that need to get done?
Write them down and sit with him, divide fairly or to your strengths and let him know he needs to complete his by X time Saturday evening because the division of labour over the week is not fair enough and its causing resentment.

Biggiee · 18/03/2023 20:01

Why do the jobs need doing on a Saturday? Why is it just his sport you are targeting? Why not a sun, or the other 5 nights of the week? The issue isn't his sport, the issue is that he's not pulling his weight when he's home. Just dont do it, see how things go then. Then he will see.

hettie · 18/03/2023 20:01

Hmme, I play a team sport... train 1 evening a week and matches on Saturday. DC also play Saturday or Sunday. But it's not all day is it (unless he's super good and in a regional league which involves lots of travel). So I can also do the shopping or other domestic stuff and play. Plus DC are older now and so can left for a bit... When they were under 10 I didn't play and played infrequently when they were pre teen... You must need to plan and divide and rule.

BendingSpoons · 18/03/2023 20:09

This is unequal. You are doing more of the childcare, chores and mental load. He needs to contribute more. If he doesn't have the time or energy to do so, then something needs to give.

Can you explore some possible solutions:

He pays to outsource some housework e.g. cleaner, meal prep kits etc
He does his share of the chores in the evenings/Sundays/before he goes. If he went at 11, he could have done 2-3 hours before leaving
He cuts down his hobby
Unlikely but could you change your hours e.g. Work a 9 day fortnight so he picks up more slack in the week and you get every other Friday off

How old are your kids? Can you involve them in some of this in terms of chores etc? I think you do also need to think about whether your standards are right. You get stressed by jobs not being done. Are there some things you could.do less frequently or leave for others to do? (Probably your standards are perfectly reasonable and the others have low standards but worth considering!)

RandomMess · 18/03/2023 20:10

On your evenings out leave him to "do it all", he's getting so much more leisure time/down time than you. That needs to be addressed somehow.

TwilightSkies · 18/03/2023 20:12

What hours is he out of the house on a Saturday?

barmycatmum · 18/03/2023 20:12

I feel like your anger isn’t about the hobby at all, though-
it’s really that you need to put yourself first.

would the world end if the jobs didn’t all get done?
what if you tried for a month putting yourself first - while they’re off doing their thing, do whatever you most want to do? Nurture yourself.

piedbeauty · 18/03/2023 20:18

Why he think it's fair that he gets the day off every Saturday? When are your free Saturdays?

He's being really selfish. He might be an important team member but he's not being a very good member of YOUR team (eg family). He shouldn't be helping or needing to be told what needs done!

You need to talk to him. Arrange equal time off for you/family time. It's important.

piedbeauty · 18/03/2023 20:19

TwilightSkies · 18/03/2023 20:12

What hours is he out of the house on a Saturday?

Op says he is only out of the house for 4 hours, more often than not it's longer (today was 11 - 5).

Wallywobbles · 18/03/2023 21:18

Does he know that you are very unhappy. Like really know it. Not just think you are grumpy.

Can you give him total responsibility for some of the shit work. And the kids too. Like he does all the shopping/cooking. How that happens is not your problem to solve.

The kids all do their own washing and cook one evening a meal a week.

That if he does sport all one day then he has to pay for the cleaner to come midweek.

Slimjimtobe · 18/03/2023 21:58

I actually think him lying for a cleaner and also you taking longer in the evenings and leaving him a list (until he gets into the swing of it) would do for now

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