Combining two tastes into one space.

[Bubblyliquid]

DP moved in with me in the summer and we’re in the process of finally emptying his house/combining our lives into one house.

I always thought DP’s house was a typical bachelor house. Pretty basic furniture with no soft furnishings, not really styled and never really felt homely but always clean/tidy.

However, everything that he owned in the house is essentially characterised I.E. Star Wars plates, movie framed posters, marvel ice trays, cartoon tea towels, novelty cheese grater, Pixar wall clock etc.

I just put this down to him being a bachelor and instead of him thinking of getting a matching tea towel set to match his kettle he just went with what he thought looked ‘good’.

This is the tip of the iceberg as since slowly moving his stuff over to ‘mine’ there’s a lot of ‘collections’. His attic is full of movie memorabilia/90s toys/game consoles - basically everything he ever wanted as a kid/teen he’s either kept or paid a lot of money as an adult.

He had a couple of cabinets of movie memorabilia in his office. He’s suggested that we’ve got space in our living room to ‘display’ them.

He’s asked for a couple of shelves downstairs that he can ‘rotate’ his collections on. I’m a grown adult, I don’t particularly want some furbies being featured in our dining room or a remote controlled car in our hallway.

He’s just explained to me that he’s down as he loves his things and he thought we would be combining our lives together more. He’s worried he’s going to have to get rid of some of his things and I honestly thought it was a given.

How long were you with him before you moved in together?

Very odd that this is all such a surprise to you

I fully understand you. But also, if it’s half his house it has to be on his (ugly) terms too or not at all. Sorry.

Would there be a spare room? My cousin is a bit like this and he uses the spare room as an office/man cave for all his things.

This is because he is moving into your home. You need to sell and buy something together so it's not his stuff in your home but both your stuff finding a new space.
It's like he's to move into yours without you changing your layout / displays.

He might be offended/annoyed at all his prized possessions being relegated to a spare room or office, it is half his home. Although I sympathise with you!

If it was me I'd focus on the living room being a pleasant space for me and I'd possibly offer up the main bedroom as a compromise. So your taste dictates the living room but he can have his posters and decorations in the bedroom? And then any that don't fit stay in the office or spare room? At least visitors won't see them then.

I get this. I moved in with my DP three years ago and we have very different taste. I was initially quite taken aback because he always used to say how lovely my house was and how much he liked my taste, so I assumed we would be doing quite a bit of redecorating.

However, turns out he really likes his own taste, too! All the things I really hate (hideous maroon leather sofas that are not even comfortable and are over ten years old) are things he actually loves. I find it really hard to understand because, clearly, he is wrong and I am right.

I've found it really hurtful that I haven't really been able to make my mark on the house - it felt at first no different from visiting. I've had to do a lot of thinking about it and finding my own way through the way it feels.

Although I'm on the other side of the situation, as the incomer, I do really see what you mean. It is very hard to live with someone else's aesthetic! It's tricky when it's one person's home to make it a couple's home without it feeling as if something is being taken away from each of you.

However, if it is to be both of your home together, he has to feel that it is his home too. You have to give up the feeling that he has to seek your consent to put up a couple of shelves.

It will mean a lot to your DP if he feels he can have his things with him and make his mark on the space. I'm starting with the garden, which used to be horrid even though it's huge, and have really established my own stamp there. It makes a huge difference to me. I find myself being all chippy and resentful of the horrible furniture in the depths of winter, but this is my third spring in this garden and I'm beginning to feel that I'm finally settling in here.

If you don't want your DP to feel like a visitor for three years (not everyone is as patient and saintly as I am!), let him have some shelves. If you have any money together, make a budget for home improvements and agree on some really nice changes that you can both agree on together. I re-did the downstairs toilet (hideous, previously) and it is a great source of joy to me.