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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to find Competitive busyness so annoying

29 replies

Mommymoments · 18/03/2023 13:25

Among my mum friends I have a few who always have to list everything they did that week & with who? It's nearly like a badge of popularity.. How do you respond? I asked a friend if she'd like to do something with the kids & she responded "I've enough on at the moment"...

OP posts:
Original poster
Mommymoments · 18/03/2023 13:33

Anyone else feel the same?

OP posts:
Burgoo · 18/03/2023 13:36

Well if you are asking her to do something she will likely explain why she can't. What do you expect her to say?

As for the competitive bit, I find it unusual that people have to tell others how much they do all the time. Stop banging on about it or stop doing it! There is a real culture of "I'm the best mum because I do X,Y,Z blah blah blah with my kids" nonsense. I find it rife on here sometimes.

KellyJonesLeatherTrousers · 18/03/2023 13:36

You could respond and say ‘Ah ok, let me know when you’re up for a meet up’. What else would you say?

Fudgewomble · 18/03/2023 13:36

Absolutely. I asked someone if they could meet for a coffee and it was all “our diary is just so full, we don’t have a free weekend evening until September, it’s just madness I can’t keep up with all the parties and I’m out every night this week at the theatre or birthday drinks [to which I had not been invited and she knew it]”. I was just asking about a coffee 🤔

JuneBridie · 18/03/2023 13:38

Yup, funny how they’re never too busy to tell you how busy they are.

Viviennemary · 18/03/2023 13:38

Find some less busy friends. The worst ones are the busy types who expect you to see them at the drop of a hat.

Original poster
Mommymoments · 18/03/2023 13:40

@fudgewomble absolutely.. There's a mum in dd's hockey & I can't actually talk to her as she's like.. "what time is the match.. I don't have the headspace to worry about fixtures until the weekend... I never have time with being a mum taxi, working full time & house work...
The same as most parents on the team. It's draining.

OP posts:
Albiboba · 18/03/2023 13:40

I asked a friend if she'd like to do something with the kids & she responded "I've enough on at the moment"...

Why does that annoy you? She’s just being honest.

Original poster
Mommymoments · 18/03/2023 13:41

I found it a bit abrupt. It took her 3 days to reply to me.

OP posts:
stayathomer · 18/03/2023 13:42

Sometimes people just want somebody (anybody!!!) to acknowledge how crazy things are for them. Plus I always think I have time to do stuff until we start trying to make a date, then I realise I’ve too much on

Soproudoflionesses · 18/03/2023 13:42

Ugh l hate this too op

JuneBridie · 18/03/2023 13:45

I messaged someone once asking if they knew when a local event was happening, knowing they had some involvement with it she responded with a text about a foot long telling me every single detail of her incredibly busy schedule. It was too dull to read but embedded in the text wall was the information I needed. I responded “Ta” . I think it really pissed her off when I didn’t reference her busyness. Other people’s schedules are of zero interest to anyone but themselves.

DevantMaJardin · 18/03/2023 13:47

They're not that into you and are trying to let you down gently, and you think they're trying to start a competition about how busy they are instead of seeing through the transparent excuses they're giving you to avoid meeting with you.

TakemedowntoPotatoCity · 18/03/2023 13:52

Fudgewomble · 18/03/2023 13:36

Absolutely. I asked someone if they could meet for a coffee and it was all “our diary is just so full, we don’t have a free weekend evening until September, it’s just madness I can’t keep up with all the parties and I’m out every night this week at the theatre or birthday drinks [to which I had not been invited and she knew it]”. I was just asking about a coffee 🤔

I hate people like that, they are basically saying 'you are at the bottom of my list of priorities so fuck off' aren't they? I wouldn't ask again.

BigChesterDraws · 18/03/2023 13:53

Mommymoments · 18/03/2023 13:41

I found it a bit abrupt. It took her 3 days to reply to me.

Probably because she’s got a lot going on, as she told you. She doesn’t owe you an explanation for that. She may have some health issues (either if her own or within her close family) that she hasn’t told you, or found out that she could be about to lose her job through redundancy, anything like that. I messaged a friend recently who didn’t respond for a few days. Turns out her husband has been diagnosed with terminal cancer.

BigChesterDraws · 18/03/2023 13:56

TakemedowntoPotatoCity · 18/03/2023 13:52

I hate people like that, they are basically saying 'you are at the bottom of my list of priorities so fuck off' aren't they? I wouldn't ask again.

Show quote history

Someone has to be the bottom of their priorities, though. My husband and family are top of mine. Friends I merry casually for a drink every once in a while are at the bottom. So I “hate” people who assume they are top priority just because they’ve messaged me to ask about going for a coffee/drink some time in the future.

Sone people on this thread sound very needy.

RampantIvy · 18/03/2023 13:58

“our diary is just so full, we don’t have a free weekend evening until September, it’s just madness I can’t keep up with all the parties and I’m out every night this week at the theatre or birthday drinks

Do you really believe that this woman is really as busy as this ^^ until September @Albiboba?

I don't. I think she is trying politely to say she just doesn't want to meet up for a coffee, and is just making her feel that she isn't important enough to fit her into her "busy" schedule.

I often think these super busy people are full of their own self importance, and aren't as busy as they want us to think they are. Or maybe their idea of busy is different from mine.

Original poster
Mommymoments · 18/03/2023 14:03

It's a competitive form in itself.. You'd nearly be afraid to say you have a free evening!

OP posts:
TakemedowntoPotatoCity · 18/03/2023 14:09

BigChesterDraws · 18/03/2023 13:56

Someone has to be the bottom of their priorities, though. My husband and family are top of mine. Friends I merry casually for a drink every once in a while are at the bottom. So I “hate” people who assume they are top priority just because they’ve messaged me to ask about going for a coffee/drink some time in the future.

Sone people on this thread sound very needy.

Show quote history

They are not presuming they are a priority over your husband and kids, ffs. They are merely inviting you out for a coffee and then being rebuffed. Like I said, I wouldn't do it more than once, because it's more than a little humiliating.

RampantIvy · 18/03/2023 14:13

So I “hate” people who assume they are top priority just because they’ve messaged me to ask about going for a coffee/drink some time in the future.

Don't be silly. Of course they aren't assuming they are a higher priority than your family. What an absurd thought.

I agree with @TakemedowntoPotatoCity, and would not bother asking again.

TomatoSandwiches · 18/03/2023 14:14

Tbh I don't think the second half of your examples fit what you mean op.
They genuinely sound busy and stressed or, sorry to be devil's advocate, not that bothered about having you for company and are too polite to be forward.

Or maybe you are just much more capable than your friends and should move on to other mothers with superior organisational skills.

NoInvitesEver · 18/03/2023 14:14

As others have said, they're too busy for YOU. Not too busy for what they choose to do.
It's upsetting when you realise this, but also it's a release when you realise you're much lower down on their priorities than they are on yours. You can stop pursuing it and find people who value you more.

Original poster
Mommymoments · 18/03/2023 14:15

It just seems that all this "busyness" is viewed as being a) a great parent b) super successful or C) very popular with so many friends.
Personally I think it's exhausting...

OP posts:
Hebehouse · 18/03/2023 14:19

I think people could have better manners, certainly. How hard it to say thank you for asking, we'd have loved to, but (polite) excuse?
There's a lot to be said for not going back for more of being rebuffed though. I am varying degrees of forgiving, depending on how well I know the person and how much I value their friendship.

But equally, if I know a friend has a lot on their plate, I try to be supportive and not add to their load.

lieselotte · 18/03/2023 14:19

Mommymoments · 18/03/2023 14:15

It just seems that all this "busyness" is viewed as being a) a great parent b) super successful or C) very popular with so many friends.
Personally I think it's exhausting...

I agree.

But ultimately the social climbers of this world are very strategic about who they decide is worth their attention. I really can't be bothered, I either like people or I don't, and I don't care whether they are wealthy or their other half or sister could be a source of work experience for dc etc. But many people do care.

However, I don't agree that they are all that busy at all. It's a bit like all the conversations on here about "life admin" - something that takes me 5 minutes to do is a day's job for some people (and not because they are ND, because they let it take that long).