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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to not drop everything to help DP?

15 replies

Queenofscones · 18/03/2023 11:29

DP joined a community group during lockdown and did good things delivering prescriptions and driving people to hospital. All good. Now things in this group have moved on and they're holding events in the community hall and everyone in the group has been asked to make a colourful banner. Someone has done some designs to give people an idea of what's needed and created a style guide and DP now has to make one.

DP has wanted help with the design each evening this past week, wanting me to come up with ideas, how to do the lettering etc. Given that it's DP's task and group, I seem to be expected to offer a lot of support. I don't really want to be involved: it's DP's thing. DP isn't interested in hearing bout my book group or my history degree (I'm studying PT). On Wednesday my route took me past a craft store so I picked up all the materials and paint required. I feel as if I've done my bit.

Today I'm busy writing an essay and doing life admin and DP has kept asking for help, my opinion, would I come and hold the end of the tape measure, did we have an old sheet that could be cut up to make a template first... I've now said enough, this is your project and you need to get on with it on your own or with other people involved in your group. DP's sulking and saying 'I was only asking for three minutes of your time'. But it was three minutes of my time when I was in the middle of my own stuff.

I think I'm NBU. Anyone else got a partner like this? How do you deal with the expectation that because you're on the premises, you can be expected to help all the time?

OP posts:
QWE96 · 18/03/2023 11:38

YANBU. He needs to take his initiative on this as it's his project and you're busy with your own commitments.

"Sorry, DP. I'm unable to help you today - I have an essay to write and admin to sort, so my primary focus needs to be on that. I'm sure Google will have lots of ideas for you to take inspiration from. I'm happy to look over a few shortlisted ideas [at lunch or X time] when I'm available."

Be very clear that you're not available and that you're not responsible for anything other than a second opinion here and there.

Candleabra · 18/03/2023 11:40

It’s his project, let him get on with.

Coffeellama · 18/03/2023 11:41

Neither of you are BU really, sounds like a bit of a miserable mismatched relationship though.

Doggydarling · 18/03/2023 12:08

YANBU my dh used to be like your dp, no matter what I was doing he thought nothing of asking for a few minutes assistance but it was constant, it wore me down and really irritated me so eventually I used to just say 'no, too busy', when he moaned I asked why did he think his project/time was more important than mine and that stopped it. He's busy organising a huge event at the moment and I'm happy to say I've not been asked to do a single thing and I'm going camping the day it's on so no fear of last minute requests to manage any aspect of it.

Azerothi · 18/03/2023 12:14

Do you live with your girlfriend?

Anyway, yes my husband is exactly like this. I usually give him a choice, for example yes I can do your stupid art project but I won't be able to cook tonight. Which would you prefer?

Mischance · 18/03/2023 12:22

I would have helped him - lovely to do things together.

TomHanksIsFuckingAmazing · 18/03/2023 12:23

Needy 🏃🏼‍♀️

Natty13 · 18/03/2023 12:48

In my experience the way to deal woth people like this is to do do the same to them. Ask him to put down his banner and come and proof read a paragraph for you. Asl him to go to the library and pick up the book you next have to read for book group. Be needy. Then when he notices and comments point out you're only asking for 3 minutes of his time....

WashAsDelicates · 18/03/2023 13:04

Dh and I would help each other, if requested, in such projects. But if doing so avoid one of us, then we would look at what the problem was. Is it that the other is not interested or disagrees with the project? Or is the other person busy and feeling disturbed and put-upon? The second is easy to deal with: negotiate and agree what you're doing. "Tonight I'm working on my essay so I can't help you with your banner. Can we work on it tomorrow?"

WashAsDelicates · 18/03/2023 13:05

Annoyed, not avoid.

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 18/03/2023 13:06

YANBU.

My DH can be a bit like this - I just say "it's your hobby/decision/activity - you do it".

Queenofscones · 18/03/2023 13:08

Those are almost the exact words I've used today, @coffeecupsandwaxmelts

DP's not often like this. It tends to happen when something new and unknown crops up and then it's a bit like a child turning to mum and saying 'Help me'.
I think that's why I find it so annoying. I've never made anything like this, it's new to me too. Why am I the one who has to sort it all out? I planned it, I bought the materials and now I seem to be expected to make the ruddy thing too.

We do quite a lot together but also have things we do apart and that balance suits us.

OP posts:
Therealjudgejudy · 18/03/2023 13:15

That would wreck my head...

chevvyroo · 18/03/2023 13:35

Coffeellama · 18/03/2023 11:41

Neither of you are BU really, sounds like a bit of a miserable mismatched relationship though.

That's a bit of a reach isn't it?

Coffeellama · 18/03/2023 13:51

chevvyroo · 18/03/2023 13:35

That's a bit of a reach isn't it?

I don’t think ‘a bit of a miserable mismatched’ is a reach no, it’s not like I said they totally hate each other, I said a bit mismatched.

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