Self -loathing and disgust

[KnesleyLope]

This will sound pathetic. I've always lacked confidence in my appearance - even in my younger days when I was slimmer and more attractive. I have a lot of social anxiety along with OCD and, I suspect, a form of body dysmorphia. However I am also - objectively, overweight, ungainly, unlovely and I just feel.... disgusting. This has got worse since Covid, starting to work permanently from home and rarely seeing anyone in person. When I have to attend in-person work events, I lose sleep for days - convinced I'll look ugly, fat, that people will be disgusted by me, that maybe I'll smell or have something stuck in my teeth. I often avoid these events and have got in trouble for this. I think people do understand my 'anxiety' but nobody knows that this is so deeply related to my intense shame about how I look.

Given how I feel about myself, you'd think I would take steps to look better - that I'd be on top of grooming, makeup, hair... but I'm not because I just feel like it's pointless, polishing a turd, like I'm not even worth caring for myself in this way.

I know I need to lose weight, exercise, look after myself better. But the disgust and shame I feel about every aspect of my being is so overwhelming. I haven't seen friends in years because I worry they will be disgusted, too. Part of it is that they'll notice the weight gain and ageing since I last saw them. But it's more than that. It's like I'm ashamed to inflict my self on people.

In the short term this is coming to an immediate head as I have to attend a work event in a few weeks. I don't know how I will cope - but absolutely cannot bail.

Does anyone else feel the same? I don't think I'll ever be able to love myself, but how can I being to stop feeling such loathing towards myself? It's making me so unhappy and has made my life so very small.

Could you be depressed? Would it be worthwhile talking to your GP? I'm not saying a wee short course of anti depressants will "cure" you but maybe make you feel less sad. Please don't think you're disgusting, I know, believe me I've had these thoughts too but you're being so very hard on yourself. Take everything one step at a time and you'll start to regain some of your self worth xx

I hope someone will be along with proper advice as this sounds like you need to get some professional help to deal with your feelings about yourself, but one of the things which stood out to me was that you haven't seen your friends in ages because you think they would be disgusted. My friends sometimes go a while in between meet ups, and when we do meet it's inevitable we will look older, gain weight etc. But we love each other and are all in the same boat, so there is no judgement. You need to treat yourself kindly, talk about your body the way you would to a friend. I imagine you don't look half as bad as you think, and even if you did, it's only a body, you are more than that.

Your list is subjective, not objective.

Have a look at this article on core beliefs as a starting point;

www.betterrelationships.org.au/well-being/core-beliefs-self-acceptance

Thank you Ludo and Coffee. You're right, I am very depressed. I'm on SSRIs for my OCD which has helped enormously with other aspects of my depression - but this one I just can't seem to shake and I guess that's partly why I'm wondering if it's just 'me' or a true reflection of myself. I'm under mental health services who are focusing on my OCD, which has improved so much - but these feelings are just so hard to shake and there seems to be little support for them, professionaly speaking, as the focus is (quite reasonably) on my 'bigger' symptoms, if that makes sense?

I guess that's actually the crux of it, which I probably didn't really articulate. I'm recovering from a period of quite horrendous mental illness - I feel better than I did (no longer suicidal, OCD rituals have reduced etc etc), but instead of being able to get back into living... I'm stuck hiding away because I feel so deeply disgusted about myself.

I could have written this exact post, literally every word is accurate. I didn't know other people felt this way too. I'm sorry that you do too.

I'm sorry op.