How to deal with sexism within the family?

[TheGreatestunknown]

Hi all,

I am not sure if I've used sexism correctly but I couldn't think of another word to describe it.

This may be outing but I don't know if it's a me problem.

My husbands family have only had boys especially on his dads side and on his mums side they haven't had a girl in 60 years.

We had a baby boy first (he's 2 now) and they were disinterested (which is annoying but hey ho) and they didn't really pay much attention to him. My MIL had to look after him as an emergency overnight and she ran out of nappies (because it was an emergency and we didn't pack enough that was our fault) however instead of buying some she borrowed some from her neighbour and they were too small for him so when he came back home he was red raw around his bum and belly because they were too tight and he'd pooed everywhere because the nappy couldn't hold it and I wouldn't mind if they were desperate but they live walking distance from a supermarket. She's never actually bought him anything spontaneous like a treat or whatever, she kept saying she had to stop herself from buying the cute baby clothes (why?) but whatever. At Christmas and for his birthday she spent all together about £30 (for both £10 Christmas, £20 birthday) on him and they were all second hand actually all his clothes and presents have been (and usually they are completely inappropriate presents but that's for another thread). You'll see why I'm mentioning money and what she's bought him in a second but I want to mention they aren't short of money so it isn't a case of that.

This brings me on to the sexism - we had a little girl 5 months ago and she's spending the weekend with MIL and when we got there MIL brought out four outfits she's bought her brand new(and I know how much they were because I know how much clothes are) so she spent around £40 just on clothes for the weekend for her (and I packed plenty) so I said (because of course they were all dresses and dressy up clothes) that I don't really dress her in cute things like that at the moment because she's either sick on them, poos on them and with her being so little I just want her to be comfortable (personal choice) and I'd probably wait until she was a bit older so MIL replied well I've never had a little girl to dress up so I'll buy her whatever I want (fair enough to buying her whatever you want but she's not your little girl and she's not a doll). It's nice she bought DD these and I'm not saying otherwise but it's clear what they intention is and that they were only bought because she was a girl. She's also asking if she can have her once a week to take out to play groups and with her friends to "show her off". She's never done that with DS.

My husbands dad doesn't see them as often but is always asking to spend time with DD and come round more to see her (this never happened with my son) like I said they were just disinterested.

This annoys me because they're always going on about how lovely it is to have a girl and they wish they had a girl (they had three boys) but my husbands the youngest so it was obvious he was the last push for a girl and he's really feeling the gender disappointment (actually his dad even said he was disappointed each time it was a boy ) and it's awful to see how upset he gets.

I don't really want my children to be treated differently, it's not fair. I think I'm a bit more precious because my son has a disability (which we don't know how it'll affect him yet so it's not a case of them not looking after him because of this as he isn't too affected yet). I thought that might put him at a disadvantage with family members if his behaviour became challenging but it looks like he was already at a disadvantage being born a boy.

It's just weird to me because my family couldn't care less about what gender they are. They both get treat the same, get the same treats like if my mum bought DD a dress then she'd buy DS a jumper if you know what I mean. No one's left out.

How would you deal with this? I don't wanna cause a family fall out especially as they aren't my family but I don't want DD to be treat differently to DS for the rest of their lives but I don't know how to approach it.

Happy to be told I'm being unreasonable though and if I should let it go.

Thank you

It's annoying but I wouldn't say anything. She will probably get bored of dressing her up as she gets older and they won't notice the difference when they're small.

I'd tell her your DD is not a doll to dress up and it's hurtful your DS doesn't get treated the same. ALL children are precious your DS will pick up on the different treatment when he's older and that's so sad.

To be honest I'd be very worried how your son will feel when he is old enough to sense the disparity

I wouldn't expose him to this.

Either they treat both children the same or no ball. They don't get to treat your son like a second class citizen

But you'll need to get your dh on side to see this. How fucking mentally scarring this could potentially be. He must be still hurt from the 'we were hoping you were a girl' comments?

It's abusive frankly to treat one sibling like shit and the other like royalty. And actually your daughter will also have issues relating to this as well.

@callthataspade this is my issue with it all. My husband is already on side, he actually was the first to point it out because obviously he loves both our children and it's hurting him to see them being treat so differently and with them openly expressing their disappointment in having all boys.

I don't think I would have minded if she bought all DDs clothes and bought DS a bit of something because she didn't want to leave him out but that wasn't the case. She's never ever bought him anything new.

Like you say it's awful that they're being treat so differently simply because one was born a boy. I hate it and they are their only two grandchildren (and probably will only be).

I think we might need to have a conversation because it's going to affect both the children as they get older and if it carries on even after a conversation I don't know if we need to go NC which sounds drastic but I want to protect my kids.

You need to set your boundaries early on, they either treat both your children equally or you vastly limit their exposure to them.

I wouldn't allow your kids to pend too much time with them tbh. It could seriously fuck them up.

All children should be valued for who they are.

Can't stand people who treat kids as toys/trophies.

*spend!

Thank you everyone.

We're already LC with BIL and SIL so I didn't want to rock the boat anymore but like said, my children need protecting so I think we'll have the conversation and hope they were doing it without realising and if it carries on then LC or NC may be the way we have to go which is sad really.

I don't know why people have to be so shit sometimes especially to children but it's our job as their parents to protect them from it as much as we can.

Good approach op. There shouldn't be any hesitation to 'rock the boat' when it comes to your children not being treated properly. This needs to stop immediately, your mil doesn't sound like a nice person anyway. Your poor ds will notice and it will cause issues between your children as well.

I think all the issue about nappies in an emergency isn't relevant at all.

BTW there are girls on DH's mum's side in the last 60 years - his mum was one!

Yes it is annoying when children aren't treated the same and the sex is the obvious difference here. I have same sex children with same sex cousins and the ILs treat them differently (so not due to sex). I used to find it annoying and it became so much easier after going LC and just accepting they weren't going to change and rolling my eyes at their nonsense instead.

It's relevant because she couldn't even buy him the correct size nappies even though the supermarket is within walking distance - as in she didn't want to spend money on him.

His mums 60, she was the last girl to be born which is why I said they've had no girls on that side in 60 years.

I don't think rolling my eyes is going to work, there's only my two and I mean DS may not notice due to his disability. Actually he probably won't (it causes development delay, intellectual disability and is linked with ASD) but that's not the point really. It's just really unfair and shouldn't be happening just because of their sexes.

The golden child vs. scapegoat dynamic is very damaging. For various reasons it's as damaging to the golden child as it is the scapegoat.

You should neither minimize this nor allow others to do so on your account. As women, many of us seem conditioned to question our own feelings and responses before we question the behaviour of others. But anyone with any insight into the dynamics of toxic or abusive childhoods can recognise these patterns from a country mile away. Listen to your instincts. These are finely honed once we become parents, and this happens for reason

When it comes to in-law relationships this isn't a small issue, the sort you can roll your eyes over and dismiss as an irritating but largely inconsequential foible. It can do lasting, irreversible damage. IMO no child should be exposed to this toxic, unhealthy dynamic.

You'll do the right thing by your children, because you already know what the right thing is. You don't mention your DP in all this, but whatever the decisions you make in the interests of the wellbeing of your family, it's very important you are both on the same page.

It's a very good thing for your children that their mother and maternal grandparents are far more sensible. Nix this - now.

She should be treating them both the same, obviously. Your son will pick up on the inequality as he gets older, so you need to stop it now. She has both children to take out or neither. If she can only cope with one at a time, alternate weeks. Don't pander to her.

I kinda have the opposite problem... almost same situation no girl in my husbands family for 80 years or something, hes youngest of 3 boys- brothers have boys and we had a boy first who is now 6. But they love him, looked after him a day a week, bought him loads of stuff. We've since had a girl, only girl in his family... MIL silent on phone when we found out gender. Often says she doesnt know girls or what to do with them, now 'not well enough' to look after a baby. we used to go for lunch weekly no more invites. She does buy both kids stuff, and prob spends equal on them- but not loads. They have now gone LC with us, we cant fathom out why, my husband is embarassed about it. Ive stopped.making an effort and in reality life is easier! I say just try and reduce contact to mimimum amd dont accept anything for your daughter if there is notning for your son