To be upset that DH’s relatives show zero interest

[rosieposiepopss]

DH’s grandparents had 3 kids. MIL, DH’s aunt and his uncle. They lived in another English speaking country until a year or so after DH was born, when his grandparents moved everyone back to England. MIL had DH at 16 so extremely young and never really bothered and hence he was raised by grandparents almost in full. He’s now mid 20s and has no other family- no siblings and no cousins, as neither MIL, aunt or uncle have ever been in a LTR.

Grandparents in their 70s and young for their age. They do live 2 hours away but we call and make a day trip of seeing them or meet in the middle at least twice a month. Uncle who lives 30 mins away is uninterested despite repeated efforts to get in contact to meet up from me and DH.

MIL and his aunt have moved back to live overseas, and we very rarely hear from either. MIL is a complicated character, lies and has stolen from her parents and DH. She behaves like somebody much, much younger than us and is quite reckless and erratic.

We are having DC soon and I feel really sad mainly for DH that nobody shows up for him except from his grandparents. DH has tried very hard to forge connections and plan get togethers but is often ignored entirely in group chats, and phone calls go unanswered. It was his birthday two weeks ago and nobody sent him a card or picked up the phone, his mum sent him a short text the day after. He has never met his dad so they are the only family he has. You have 365 days to remember a birthday, where’s the excuse?

I know it gets him down and can’t even begin to understand as I (thankfully) come from a very loving and interested family who will call most days, often come round for cups of tea, go for walks together and such.

Do you think this is something that has always got him down, or do you think it could be the comparison with your own family? Do you put him under any pressure in this regard, even if it is just through sympathising (pitying) him?

The reason I am asking is that although I had siblings and parents, my aunties, uncles, grandparents had nothing to do with us, never met my cousins. I would have liked a wider extended family, but also I can’t say I have missed what I never had. I think maybe your husband might be happier if he accepts and finds peace with how his family are

@Mortimercat good point, actually. I don’t get involved usually I just ‘mm’ and let him say what he thinks. He does often bring it up of his own accord and say it feels rubbish that nobody bothers. It’s just a shame as aunt/uncle/MIL are in constant exchange with one another, just usually tend to ignore myself/DH and his grandad whenever we try to message in the group chat.

It’s a sensitive topic, but did MIL have a choice in having DH, or did her parents make her continue the pregnancy? Whether by choice or not, it doesn’t sound like she was particularly active in raising him, and the maternal bond may not be there. Assuming there wasn’t any fertility issues, the fact that she hadn’t had further children could suggest she just isn’t interested in being a mother.

@whumpthereitis we don’t know. That’s an interesting point actually and one I’d not considered

I think many blood relationships are hard guilt overrated, and rely on circumstance rather than any affinity with the people themselves.

I barely have any relationship with most of my blood family. But I have an amazing network of people in my life that are 10x more important to me than my relatives, which is great.

I'd say look for connections elsewhere in your life. There are a million threads on here about people with shitty disfunctional toxic families.

Sounds like the family is quite dysfunctional and not close.

It’s sad your dh, as he wishes it wasn’t. But wishing our family was different, rarely makes us happy. Because we can’t change it.

If it’s really getting your dh down, might he try some counselling?

Families are different. In your shoes I'd be careful not to stir the pot by making comments and comparisons and being mournful about it, but if he raises it, express sympathy.

Your future children won't miss what they've never had. It sounds like they will have an engaged extended family on your side anyway. My grandma (maternal) lived over two hours away and we only saw her a few times a year but we loved her. Grandpa lived closer and we had to be dragged there because although he wanted to see us, he had no idea how to interact with us. I never missed the grandparents who died before I was born. Don't overthink it.

You can't miss what you never had. If your DH has never been close to his extended family he won't be missing their absence now. Are you just comparing it to how you'd feel if you didn't have your family around?

His mum is a shite mum and I would be disapointed in her but as for your DH's aunt and uncle..

Like others have said, some families just aren't close. My mum has a brother and sister and I see them at family weddings and funeraks only usually. Its not an issue, we just aren't all that close! I can't imagine popping round for a cup of tea, or all going fow walks together!

Its nice that your family are close and do those things, but not all are and I think your DH probably needs to accept that.

Your dh has tried but it's not working. He can't make them show an interest. He needs to focus on the relationships that he gets value from.

I don't think it's healthy to pay so much attention to what is missing from our lives. Your dh has his grandparents, you and is soon to be a father. It also sounds like you are both in good health.