To go on a holiday just with the kids, not DH

[AlwaysTheGoodGirl]

I am in the long process of building up the courage to tell DH it's over. Long story, unhappy for years, no more than house mates etc etc

It's infinitely more fun doing things when it's just the three of us, me DS15 and DS11, which has pretty much always been the case whether it's a day out, a bike ride or just playing outside.

What I really want to do is take the kids on a proper holiday for the first time, having put it off for so long as I don't want DH to come, but is it too extreme (or selfish) to book a 4 night trip to Iceland just for the three of us? I would love to do it, but don't know what his reaction would be.... what would you think in DH's position?

I don’t think you can just book it that way. Imagine if he did that to you?
Why can’t you tell him it’s over, make the break and then book it and go?

Leave him and then do it.

I've booked me and my three kids a UK caravan holiday this summer without my husband (who I'm not planning to separate from).
Have booked without him as he will be working. He was completely fine with this.

Could you book Iceland without him because he's working/another important thing he can't miss?

Leave him and then go.

don’t book a secret holiday

Exactly!

There's nothing worse for kids in a divorce, than adults playing silly games

This is what I think @QuertyGirl - that it will look like crazy game-playing. I just want to have a nice time with the kids, and I'm forcing them to wait. I do realise it is entirely within my power to get this sorted properly...

I think I've answered my own question!

Is it just courage that is stopping you from separating now? I really think you need to do that first. Make sure you can afford the holiday after as it can be expensive as you might suddenly have two separate homes to pay for rather than one joint one.

Just leave him. Even if he makes you unhappy, he doesn't deserve to be strung along any more than necessary

Not Iceland and my 2 dc are a bit younger than yours but I did this recently to visit family, was lovely. But I've already told him I want a separation, actually saying it made going away easier for me. It's utter crap for him though, the resentment is strong so I wouldn't do it unless you start the separation conversation.

You need to dig deep, find your courage, and separate. You are letting your children's childhoods drift by while you wait for something to happen.

You have to make it happen.

Thank you @LaviniasBigBloomers you are absolutely right. Even to the extent of the fact I am desperate for a new sofa as the current one is wrecked, but I don't want to buy anything or decorate the house while he's part of it... I feel paralysed by it all, but the kids are paying the price.

Could a bit of counselling help you? What might help you feel 'unstuck'?

I've done all the counselling. I'm a lost cause 😪

No, you're not. Not having that. You're just ground down. So what you have to work on now is getting riled up!

Pull the divorce trigger. What’s stopping you?

He's away again today. Sent me a text at 9 this morning saying he is in Edinburgh. This is a regular occurrence, just disappears off, not a word til he's already got to wherever he's going. Which is why sometimes I just think "f*ck it, why shouldn't I do it too"

Oh well, then do it.

But divorce would be healthier.

Do it. I regularly take the kids away to get away from their miserable bastard of father. It’s liberating. Although divorce also sounds great, I can’t as my kids are too young and he’s not safe to look after them but counting down the years.

I've been taking my 2 DDs away just me for the last 8 years, leaving my husband behind. But that's because he has no interest in travel, but doesn't feel that should stop us doing it if we want to.

Tear off that sticking plaster and tell him it's over. And then take the kids and go to Iceland. That will give him a few days to take in the news. And imagine sitting on that plane with your boys with a lovely glass of wine knowing you've set the ball rolling. Just do it. Good luck!

is this the guy that just ups and disappears for days at a time. have you posted about this before ?
if not something on here has similar issues.

Yes this is him @Turnipworkharder

My heart sank yesterday morning when I mentioned to the kids about the Iceland idea - they are proper little economists and always want to know how much things cost and more often than not they'll say it's too expensive and we can't afford it. Anyway, I told them how much it was for flights for three of us, and DS15 said "well it needs to be four flights, we can't go without dad." Bearing in mind whenever either of the kids talk about us doing stuff, or even the classic psychology test of drawing pictures of the family unit, it's only ever the three of us, and I was quite taken aback that he felt it wasn't right to go without dh. If dh was coming, I wouldn't want to go at all, but I obviously couldn't say that. All of this discussion on Mother's Day morning with no cards or flowers organised for me, I felt like blurting out "well dad isn't here now is he!" Lo and behold he turns up at lunchtime with two bunches of flowers and cards for the kids to write out for me, and it's all swept aside again.....

I had convinced myself the kids had lost heart in dh and that us officially becoming three rather than four wouldn't affect them too much as they are only ever with me, but I feel sick at the thought I've got this wrong...

@AlwaysTheGoodGirl Oh he's very clever isn't he. Doing his own thing and then just doing 'enough' to keep you doubting yourself.

That's it exactly @Turnipworkharder It's as if he knows how to do just enough to stop me. He's never wanted to 'talk' either for the past couple of years, having previously often made me have conversations at all hours of the night to sort out issues of me being miserable, as I think he has worked out that if he broaches the subject, I'll finally have the chance to tell him it's over.