Was my mum insensitive or am I being sensitive?

[Vipi]

So my mum definitely has narcissistic traits. I’ve always brushed them off and don’t let it bother me but every now and then I challenge her on whatever situation she feels wronged by.

I’m currently pregnant with number 2. Early pregnancy. DS is a toddler who goes to nursery and is unwell every few weeks. He’s also had several A&E visits and a number of hospital stays with episodes of bronchiolitis and viral wheeze, with some of the episodes being severe.

I was talking to my mum and she tells me to make sure I eat my fruit and veg so this child doesn’t turn out like DS and get ill all the time. That upset me as I took the implication of that to mean I neglected myself when pregnant with him and that’s why he keeps getting unwell. I told her I took great care of myself with DS and some children are just like that.

She responds with she knows, the problem with DS is that I would take him swimming when he was younger and I exposed him
to the cold. I disagreed with that, told her plenty of children go swimming as babies and they don’t get ill. I also reminded her that he was going swimming for 6 months before he had bronchiolitis for the first time.

I started to cry, I suspect because I’m hormonal, as usually I would just dismiss these comments from my mum and not pay them any attention. I told her it’s not my fault that he keeps getting unwell, some children are just like that and it’s not because I didn’t look after myself. She tried to clarify what she meant, saying that she meant I should eat fruit and veg rich in antioxidants. I told her I did just that with DS and it’s not right for her to suggest that I didn’t take care of myself.

She then has the usual response of “I can never say the right thing to anyone, my words are clearly harsh to everyone, whatever I say it’s the wrong thing” and so on. She’s starting to cry as she says this so I ask her why is she getting upset, can she not see how her words came across. She gets more upset, says she’s had enough and hangs up the phone.

Writing this has actually helped me see that she was being insensitive, but could be meant as well intended but not explained properly.

The diet of less information is needed. Stop telling her anything. If via phone call she gets naggy just cut the call short... See her less.
Your dc don't need a dgm who makes their dm miserable..
I am nc with a similar dm.

I usually do that and just have a yeah whatever attitude, but it really upset me this time, which is why I suspect it was the hormones.

Sounds like my Grandma. Everyone just ignores the shite she spouts as she's deluded and bitter.

She’s more than insensitive, she’s completely ignorant. Children don’t get viruses because they were taken swimming when they were little! She’s manipulative too. Ignore her self pitying act and shut her down every time she comes out with this unscientific claptrap.

Sounds pretty narcissistic to me. She's blaming you with ridiculous reasoning that isn't backed by any science I'm aware of.

And when you get upset, she's palyong the victim. I'm so sorry OP all I can say is try to ignore her weird comments. Do you have a sibling? I always reply to these events back to my sister and feel so validated when she agrees it's just our weird relatives.

She was being insensitive. She could have said 'oh make sure you eat well and look after yourself' but to add 'so this child doesn't get ill' does directly imply that last time you didnt and that's the reason your son gets ill.

Then she switched to directly blaming you 'the problem with your son is you took him swimming' isnt implied criticism it's out and out criticism (and clearly stupid as viruses and bugs aren't picked up from 'being cold' in any case).

As you've seen though you cant argue with people like this. As soon as they're called out, they dont reflect on what they've said, they either attack harder, or try and imply you've 'taken it the wrong way again' and if that doesn't work then they try emotional manipulation. Your mum did all these things.

So easier said than done but because you will never win an argument with them and they dont much care about how you feel, the only things you can do are reduce contact and grey rock eg dont tell her next time your sons ill, just respond with neutral statements like 'oh right', and change the subject rather than challenge. If there are subjects that they regularly pick at you over you can put boundaries in place 'let's draw a line under the cause of sons illnesses and agree not to talk about it again because we both got upset. If the subject comes up I'll be talking about something else or finishing the conversation' but might backfire and cause more emotional manipulation with you being accused of telling her what to do etc...

Her views are outdated and clumsy and you were over sensitive, I’d just move on.

Some people are blame detectives and can’t get their heads around the simple fact that sometimes stuff just happens. Good advice on here about not telling her too much, how to politely head that crap off at the pass in conversation etc. Similarly my folks are the types to look at any situation not to see how to resolve it but to see who’s been at fault. So I try to keep conversations light and focused away from me and mine. Your mum also sounds like it’s not just you she’s doing it to, if other people have said she’s harsh. Sorry she’s doing your head in, but congrats on pregnancy. X

oh jeez, my mother comes out with similar ridiculous theories. Her catch phrase is "well they say......" without ever having any clarification for who "they" is when spouting her supposedly theories on diet / health etc. I usually just shut her down or walk away, it's not worth trying to argue with her, she's always right.

The first answer is correct. Stop telling her stuff like your ds being ill or he goes swimming because it's all info that is going to be used against you when you least expect it. Ofc you are right about illness being a matter of luck but you know what your mum is like so don't give her the ammunition for future attacks. Keep your conversations short and sweet- I know that this is common advice here but Google the grey rock technique.

I'm sorry your mum upset you. I think her views are wrong, not just outdated or clumsy, they are just wrong.
If she comes out with shite like this again (and she will, just bide your time), push her questions back at her.
Her - "You didn't eat enough vegetables during the last pregnancy"
You - "So you're saying that because you think that I didn't eat enough vegetables during my last pregnancy, that had a direct impact on the health of my baby. What study did you read this in? I'd love a copy to bring to my next pre-natal class. The other mothers would be most interested"

Her - "Your child felt cold at swimming, and caught a cold as a result"
You - "That's fascinating. I can't quite see the cause-effect link here as he was sick 6 months later. Where did you read this as I really need to query this with my midwife ahead of this next baby. I wouldn't want the same thing to happen twice"

Pick apart her comments so that she realises that she has nowhere to go with them.

Alternatively, agree to only talk about the weather and tennis or something. Everything else is off limits and out of bounds.

You’re not over sensitive. I’d have been upset by those comments too. I actually think it’s quite cruel that she’s insinuating that you’re the cause of these illnesses. Toddlers get ill all the time (especially when they go to nursery!)

Oh yes, know this well. In my case it was MIL suggestions that working ‘too hard’ ( not correct in any case! ) might have caused miscarriage. DH had to have a word.