Neighbour's child crying WWYD

[woulducouldushouldu]

Sorry long one

Let me start this off to say that I really don't want to be unreasonable and my gut feeling is to say nothing but ....

New neighbours moved in 18 months ago. We have a reasonable relationship with them. Say hi when we see each other, dh fixed the fence when it blew down, take in parcels, etc but we are not close. They are in their mid 30s with 2 young kids (we are in our 50s with 2 at uni away from home).

The issue ....

Their eldest (3yrs) is left to cry every weekday morning. NDN husband leaves v early for work (6:30am). They also have a toddler (14m) and we generally don't hear him. I don't know which room he is in but the girl is in the bedroom the other side of the party wall to our bedroom and I am woken up most week days by her crying/screaming.

We are a Victorian semi with reasonably thick brick party walls. If you shout or scream they can hear you next door but you can't hear normal level conversation or, for example the tv or door bell.

I get that kids cry/scream. Mine did and I still have to yell up the stairs to them but I never left them to scream for over an hour. The level of distress increases as the hour goes on. It's the distress in her voice that gets me rather than the volume.

Our bed was backed onto the party wall and we had to move it to the other side of the room. I can't put the wardrobe in its place as we have built ins but have a high chest of drawers to try and muffle the sound.

Ok this is my AIBU ... do I say something ? I think it's not my place to comment on anyone's parenting (god knows mine has not always been perfect) but DH thinks that it has gone on so long we should gently remind them that the walls are not completely sound proof.

The (passive aggressive) coward in me thinks i should have a conversation with friend in garden (when NDN is in her garden) about how we used to leave toys/books in the bedroom for kids to amuse themselves/keep them quiet early in morning.

In case anyone asks I don't think that there are any sensory/adhd/autistic traits but I don't know the child well enough to say for sure.

My gut tells me to suck it up and she will grow out of it. What would you wise Mumsnetters advise? Say something or not

Your description makes me strongly believe you are my NDN. If so, I deeply apologize and hope you'd feel confident enough to knock and let me know you can hear them, I'm aware they are loud and I try my best to distract them but it isn't always possible.

Well there we have it. Problem solved.

If you live in a attached house then unfortunately it’s something you have to put up with

I wouldn't do any of the passive-aggressive responses suggested above.

Just be honest with the mum - knock and say the walls are thin and you are being disturbed in the morning by the child's crying/screaming.

Often when parents post on here about children waking early they are advised to just be strict and tell them they're not allowed up until the gro-clock comes on or whatever, or just put a stairgate over the door - so I wouldn't think a 3 year old wanting to get up earlier than the mum is necessarily a welfare issue.

Lemonandorange if we are indeed ndns then hopefully I won't have to knock now

Would you say the same if someone was playing music or watching TV...oh well you just have to put up with it

Both my children cry and throw tantrums all the time. One is autistic and the other has ADHD and they work themselves up into such a state that I’m unable to pacify them. It is extremely stressful and distressing for me so I can understand how the neighbours would be feeling. However my neighbours never ever complain at the noise. And there are some times where I’ve been absolutely crapping myself wondering if they are going to say something or phone the police (because they literally sound like they’re being murdered). However I would be mortified if I was trying to do my absolute best to control the situation on a child that would not be pacified and a neighbour came knocking at my door to complain. I’d probably just burst into tears in front of them. So please think twice before saying anything unless you feel that child is in some sort of danger

This is what I wondered

Official guidelines say not to speak to adults you suspect of neglect directly in case they come up with new ways to disguise it and the neglect continues. If you are concerned regarding welfare you need to make a call to ss. If you dislike the noise you can knock on the neighbours door.

I think you have to have a conversation about it - "This is a bit awkward, but I wanted to let you know that we're being woken up in the morning by dc crying. I wanted to check if everything is alright?"

Sounds like we are also your next door neighbour. For context they may be dealing with some difficult behaviour.

We don't leave DD4 to 'cry it out' as such but literally cannot get her to stop screaming and shouting all the time, especially in a morning. It's an attention thing I think based on diverting attention from younger sibling. If listening from the outside it probably sounds like she's just left to scream as I am not shouting back. I'm talking quietly trying to explain why to shut up, threats, distraction, the works.. after a while I ignore it. We're riding out a difficult phase. Your NDN may have something similar going on and may be able to do nothing about it.

It’s a tricky one because my youngest is disabled and she used to scream all day, but I would be tending to her and would never leave her to self sooth. I would feel incredibly awkward when passing the neighbours and in the end I did say something and apologised for the noise and explained the situation.
the fact that she’s leaving her child to scream for so long everyday and not apologising to you for the noise etc I think you’re within your rights to politely say something.

You live next door to young children. If you complain it will not improve the situation. Why not buy her as a gift Jo Frost Super Nanny. She may get some tips and those early years can make a parent feel useless.

You should speak to your neighbour as at 3 a child should know better than to scream/cry for an hour unless there are other issues in which case maybe phone NSPCC for advice or Social Services.

A 3 year old, screaming and crying every single morning, 5 days a week, static in one room, is not ok.

So many of these ideas will just get defenses up. Is go with the idea of asking if the child is unwell. If that doesn't make sense in terms of time elapsed, you could say "I've just realised it's been x months since your daughter started crying for an hour every morning, is everything OK ?".

You can explain that you've had to move your bed, and wonder if you will need to do more, if you're feeling really squeamish, but generally, anything other than a polite enquiry re: health is going to be seen as pass agg, condescending, or just plain rude.

FFS, don't buy them a book about child rearing!

It sounds like she's waking up at 7am and being left in her room to cry until 8am? You think the Mum can definitely hear because the house is small. Presumably you don't hear the Mum talking to her at all during that time. IMO this is neglect. I have a 3 year old and we go in to him within a minute if he cries in the night or the morning. The thought of leaving him for an hour is really upsetting.

Just an alternative thought. Could the mum have a hearing problem.
I went deaf in one ear years ago and if I slept on the side of my good ear, even a fog horn wouldn’t have woken me.

Fwiw no one at the time suspected I had lost my hearing in that one ear as I could hear people talk perfectly well and hold a conversation.