How nice should you be to a friend with cancer?

[goodfriend]

Normal niceness?

Extra niceness?

Do anything for them?

My feeling is that the friendship should carry on as normal, with the offer of extra support, help if needed, but on a day to day basis, meeting for cups of coffee, or lunch out, this should be normal.

As in, if it is inconvenient, say no, as you normally would. No pressure to communicate more often, or reply to texts more readily, just reply at normal rate, and if communication is normally weekly, no pressure to increase this.

All having made clear that friend is available for emergency lifts, shopping etc if needed.

Ask them

As normal, but with the offer of extra support, as you said.

Think it depends on the friend

Normal niceness, with added awareness that they're going through a very tough time so might be weird/flaky/intermittently withdrawn.

Stay in touch, even if you don't get much back, and look for ways to help (especially if you can help with any part of child-wrangling)

Your post comes across as quite clinical , your friend is ill just do what you already do but with the added how are you how did x y z go today. You don't have to do anything if its going to be an inconvenience to you.

Depends how close the friend is really, and what friend means to you.

The people I call my friends could have any help that's in my power to give.

The people that I interact with in a friendly way once a week have probably got closer friends than me who can fulfill that role if needed.

Having been there more than once (friends with cancer of various kinds), just be yourself and offer any additional help they may need, as and when they need it.

If they have to go into hospital for surgery, for example, offer to look after their dog. If they're feeling rough due to treatment, offer to shop. etc etc ...

It very much depends on the friend, your relationship with them, how they're feeling and what help they need (and you can offer) at any given time.

Depends:
Fiercely independent friend who hates pity and asking for help - normal niceness
Friend who responds well to cheerleading and positivity and likes to be treated/indulged - extra niceness

I know PP is different to cancer but what really helped me in my early days was "let me" instead of "do you want me to?" No I don't want you to do my shopping for me but I'll let you.

I understand what you mean as I’ve had this recently. You want to treat them as you normally would but being sick they may need extra help/support but you don’t know where your boundaries are for you or them. Have the conversation and see what they want - I said I love you it’s shit what do you want me to do that’ll help you. My friend said she absolutely wanted me to be exactly the same as normal unless she mentioned it so she didn’t have to think about it all the time. Everyone is different ask them.

Everyone is different - you have to judge it based on what you know about the friend, her circumstances, how she’s coping and the facts of her cancer. It’s similar to pregnancy in that respect, some people need a lot more support than others, some find it much harder, some like to talk about it whilst others like to actively not talk about it. Some people feel better than others, some have more capacity that others. Cancer is a huge spectrum and so are people. There’s simply no way to answer your question.

Thanks for your inputs.
I deliberately tried to make my OP neutral to get a balanced view, and it has helped.

I am the person with cancer, and my friends, who I love dearly seem to be doing a bit too much for me, and I am worried that they don't feel they can take time off from checking up on me and taking me out,

I love going out with my friends, but I want to be sure they want to be with me, not that they are feeling they have to do a duty to me

I have said, please dont be anything other than normal, and I know they will help out in an emergency

But I still worry that I am being a duty and a burden rather than a fun person to take out for coffee

However, some of your posts have been quite reassuring, as it seems most friends would react the same way, and I probably would if the roles were reversed.

Agreed - depends on the friend. I would hate any sympathy or gushing, and would probably just ignore the whole thing, as much as possible.
But some people want a lot of fuss and attention, so....

When my friend was diagnosed at a late stage she made it very clear that she was happy to talk about most of it. She was very open about what she could and couldn't do, and knew that I understood if plans had to be cancelled at the last minute. Because she was so open it was much easier for me to know how to react with her, but everyone is different (a relative of mine wanted to completely ignore the diagnosis and proceed as if it and the treatment didn't exist). I had a conversation with both my friend and my relative when they were first diagnosed about whether they wanted to talk about it, and this made it more straightforward for me to temper my actions.

I made more of an effort to be available for my friend, although I was acting on her timetable, and I occasionally sent her silly things through the post when I knew she was having a tough time. I was very conscious that there would be a time when I couldn't do that any more. She did struggle with receiving lots of short 'how are you?' messages from people and found having to reply to them all quite frustrating. She preferred messages which weren't asking questions that she could reply with an emoji (or even not reply to at all) when she wasn't up to typing everything out again.

I miss her very much.

Speedy recovery op and get well soon xx

My best friend had cancer the year before covid. I remember feeling like I desperately wanted to do everything I could for her because I felt almost guilty that I couldn't take away the illness. Of course I never said this to her but it was a combination of that and wanting to make her feel supported and loved, no matter what she needed from me.

How long has it been since you were diagnosed OP?

I think things settled closer to normality after a few weeks and she had started treatment, at which point it became obvious that what she needed was for me to treat her exactly the way I always did. She didn't want to feel like a patient, she wanted to feel like her.

about 6 months ago - yes, I think thats it, I dont want to feel like a "patient" to my friends, I want to feel like me

I wish you well op

I hope your treatment is going well.

I doubt you are being a burden, you wouldn't have started this thread if you weren't concerned about others.

My MIL has just finished treatment. I do go to see her more often as I know she loves to see DS. I def do not see it as a burden! Just more so that maybe on my day off I make an effort to visit her instead of putting it off because life is busy. Seeing her is more important to me, like you are to your friends.

Wishing you well OP.

When I was diagnosed with bowel cancer in November I just didn't want to talk about it so very few people knew. Those that did were kind but not overbearing- which what I needed.

Ah I understand now why your post was neutral. they are your friends and they love you but it's OK to say no if you don't want to go out or say to them you don't want to think about the illness today.