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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be upset by my mum

11 replies

daisydaisyflower · 15/03/2023 21:31

I made my mum this hamper for Mother's Day. I put thought into it and thought it made a change from the usual bunch of flowers.
I've been living with her for the past year and I have noticed she gets drunk on a night a lot. So I did question whether to buy the mini wines but thought it would be lovely Mother's Day before going out to share a mini bottle together and gave her the benefit of the doubt.
Go in to spare room today and notice one of the wines is missing.
Mum admits she took it as she "knew it was for her so she took it"
I said that was a present I've put thought into that. She didn't care. Said she didn't want the hamper and was going to buy me wine back.
I said it's not the point.. that would be like opening your Christmas presents before and saying never mind I knew they were for me.
I think she's got a problem. Said she doesn't want the hamper.

AIBU to be really hurt by this?

To be upset by my mum
OP posts:
WolfieWolfie · 15/03/2023 21:34

Your mum is being very unreasonable and actually very cruel not to mention ungrateful. The hamper is lovely OP, I just couldn’t imagine saying something like that to my sons after they have put so much thought and love into such a lovely gift.

YANBU.

TwinsAndTiramisu · 15/03/2023 21:36

You think your mum has a drink problem, so you bought her some bottles of wine. And are surprised/offended that she found one and drank it.

What did you think would happen?

Thisismeyeah · 15/03/2023 21:37

YANBU thats so lovely. For me if my child no matter how old made something or put time into something, I'd be so grateful. Your Mum sounds like she may have some issues as what she said was very cruel.

IsItMeOrEveryoneElse · 15/03/2023 21:38

I am not surprised you are hurt!
I'd love a thoughtful present like this.
I wouldnt give it to her now, so hurtful and ungrateful.
Possibly a drinking problem, as drink always comes first with someone with alcohol dependency

Mamamia7962 · 15/03/2023 21:39

YANBU - Of course that is hurtful. Your mum has a drink problem. The hamper is lovely.

Aquamarine1029 · 15/03/2023 21:40

That must have been very hurtful, however I think you may be in denial as to how serious her alcoholism is.

JackieQueen · 15/03/2023 21:43

What a lovely thoughtful gift, I'm not surprised you're feeling hurt.

LiesDoNotBecomeUs · 15/03/2023 21:44

You did a lovely thing - the hamper is something any mother would love.

You wondered if your Mum had a drink problem... now you know that she does.
Her refusal of the hamper is lashing back at you because of her problem. You did not deserve this. ( No doubt she knew she shouldn't take it and probably feels guilty.)

I think that what lies ahead is going to be tough for you - though I hope not. If things with your mum get difficult -get any support you can and lean on it when you need to.

You can't control someone else's alcohol problem.

Don't try that -but don't enable her either. No more wine presents.

Work at protecting yourself - you are worth it!

Atethehalloweenchocs · 15/03/2023 21:56

The hamper is beautiful and your mums drinking problem is making her very unreasonable.

AxolotlEars · 15/03/2023 22:17

that is hard, sad and outrageous. Your mum definitely could do with some help.

NoButSeriously · 15/03/2023 22:43

My mil reacted like this when she was caught sneaking alcohol. I kind of think an addict in denial lashes out when they are challenged. .

My mil would get drunk most evenings, every since childhood she'd drink most evenings, but I also had very strong suspicions she was drinking during the day, just small changes in her behaviour, and I could smell alcohol on her when she'd be picking up grandchildren at the school, the extended family were very dismissive of me when I mentioned it but one day when she "popped in" my home, while I was at the toilet I heard her move into the kitchen and when I came downstairs some miniature bottles of gin I'd been gifted for a bday a few month before were on my counter and three of them had gone, I asked her if she'd moved anything and she said she'd taken the gin because she knew I didn't drink and my bday was months ago (true) and she suggested I was being petty by noticing they'd gone. She even suggested I had an alcohol problem because I noticed three tiny bottles missing Confused

Because you hadn't seen her drink it, or you haven't seen the empty bottle in the bin or anything, it sounds like she's drank it in secret, I'd maybe be prepared for her drinking to be a lot worse than you think, mil used to have dozens and dozens of bottles under her bed, and when she knew family were aware of how bad her addiction was but she refused to admit, she started putting her empties in other peoples bins. One of her neighbours approached dh because mil was putting a bin bag full of empties into her bin every week.

I'd not give her the rest of the wine, I'm not saying don't give her a gift at all (all though I wouldn't want to) but if you do, I'd remove the wine and buy some flowers instead and if you were planning on taking her to a pub for a meal I'd seriously rethink that. I hope I'm totally wrong but if she's on the same pathway as my mil was, you're in for a very hard time and I'd not be sharing any alcohol with her any time soon.

Best of luck.

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