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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To give up on “best” friend

20 replies

PopcornPoppingInAPan · 15/03/2023 09:06

More of a WWYD/has best friend given up on me?

I’m sorry if this is not that interesting but I’m really agonising about it:

We’ve been supposed best friends for almost 20 years, met at uni, lived together as students, went travelling when we were younger, were bridesmaids at each other’s weddings etc.

But we have definitely drifted over time. We now live opposite sides of London but have always worked within about a 10
min walk of each other. Despite that we’ve not met for lunch or after work for at least 5 years.

She moved house about 2 years ago and has never invited me round. I actually invited myself round before Xmas (I’d bought her a fragile present that I wanted to take round in my car) but unfortunately my car broke down and I couldn’t make it, so I ended up having to post it. She’s not suggested me coming round since.

I almost never hear from her generally and all we seem to have be left with is a long-standing tradition of taking each other out for our birthdays/Xmas and exchanging really quite expensive gifts (this comes from her, she has always been extremely generous, I’d have been quite happy with spending a more normal amount).

I get it, people do drift apart as they get older, we all have busy lives etc and clearly we are not “best” friends in any meaningful sense any more. But overall she is someone you would think of as a good person, not selfish or particularly flakey.

The WWYD is as follows: it is her birthday at the end of April and almost a month ago I messaged her to suggest some dates to meet up, and have also started to think about what (expensive, as ever) presents I can buy her.

I’ve heard nothing in response.

Do follow up with another message or just leave it? And if I leave it do I then ignore completely that it’s her birthday, or still buy her something and post it to her (assuming she doesn’t ever get back to me)?

YABU: she may just be busy/have forgotten to reply and it would be weird to completely abandon her over it or start (passive-aggressively?) posting presents.

YANBU: take the hint, She’s Just Not That Into You, not even enough to meet you three times a year.

I’m really torn because I don’t want to be that person who can’t take a hint, but equally I am likely to bump into her occasionally and I can’t bear awkwardness!

OP posts:

loverrr · 15/03/2023 09:09

I would prob not chase but send a card & maybe flowers for her birthday x

journeyofsanity · 15/03/2023 09:10

Maybe message her saying 'hey XXX haven't heard back regarding your birthday so I'll leave it for now. Hope you have a wonderful day full of fun'. This way you are acknowledging she hasn't responded. You are wishing her a good day. You have taken a position of being nice to her without pushing. This way if you ever bump into her, you have no reason to feel awkward. But yeah, I'd let it go. Sad but it happens.

Radical0 · 15/03/2023 09:12

This

CosyKnits · 15/03/2023 09:20

Just give her a call - I had similar recently with an old and dear friend, called her and we acknowledged the gulf that had opened up between us. We each apologised for our part and even though we probably still won't see each other much/be in each others lives the way we were when we were younger, there's a new security and depth to our friendship.

Call her - either it confirms your suspicions about your friendship, or it brings your back together. Either way you'll be able to move forwards.

Bunnyishotandcross · 15/03/2023 09:25

Why are you getting her an expensive gift? You barely register on her radar op.

Original poster

PopcornPoppingInAPan · 15/03/2023 09:28

Bunnyishotandcross · 15/03/2023 09:25

Why are you getting her an expensive gift? You barely register on her radar op.

Because she always buys me expensive gifts for Christmas and birthdays, despite me barely registering on her radar otherwise.

OP posts:

WaltzingWaters · 15/03/2023 09:30

I’d leave it. Send a card and a ‘normal’ priced present. See what she does from there. If she arranges a meet up then go, if she just says thanks, leave it at that.

Nooyoiknooyoik · 15/03/2023 09:33

She might have now decided to pull back on the expensive gifts.

You’re on different paths (for now).

Let her go for a while. You’ve done your best but it’s not happening. Focus on new people. You’re still on good terms. There’s been no row or bad feeling. The door is open for a future reconnection but for now you need to separate. Sad but this happens.

TaunterOfWomenInGeneralSaysSayonarastu · 15/03/2023 09:36

It depends if you want to spend the rest of your life exchanging birthday presents with a friend you no longer see.

It's clear the friendship has run its course, & it's ok to feel sad about that.
But no need to martyr yourself to this ceremonial gift-exchange every year.
Maybe the best bet is to send a card saying have a great day, miss you, but it's clear you don't have much time to meet up so I'll leave the ball in your court about seeing each other.

I don't think it's healthy for you to put yourself through the rigmarole of buying a present of somebody who no longer makes time for you. It's hard not to take it personally, but bear in mind that it happens to most of us sooner or later, & its usually a result of attrition & inertia, not wilful withdrawal.

TaunterOfWomenInGeneralSaysSayonarastu · 15/03/2023 09:36

journeyofsanity · 15/03/2023 09:10

That genius Journey - use this line OP!

Genie321 · 15/03/2023 09:39

I would not send another message or buy a gift. You work near-by yet do not meet up for lunch or after work. People change, life moves on. It sounds as if you might be ready to move on too? You find buying her expensive gifts a bit annoying its sounds. Its fine to move on. I haven't seen my 'best friend' for years. We still have a laugh when we speak on the phone once a year or so but neither of us have made the effort to see each other so the feeling is mutual.

Largeflaskoftea · 15/03/2023 10:04

WaltzingWaters · 15/03/2023 09:30

I’d leave it. Send a card and a ‘normal’ priced present. See what she does from there. If she arranges a meet up then go, if she just says thanks, leave it at that.

This is what I would do. Just because she buys you expensive gifts doesn’t mean that you should reciprocate the same.

Largeflaskoftea · 15/03/2023 10:05

or just drop the gift altogether and just post a card. I’d probably do that actually.

cornflakegeneration · 15/03/2023 10:09

Have you checked if she is ok? Maybe struggling with life in general?

It's a tricky one as only you know how strong your relationship is.

I don't like the idea of ditching people - many people I've drifted apart from but not deliberately and my door/phone is always open.

Excited101 · 15/03/2023 10:10

I wouldn’t go down the ‘I haven’t heard back from you so I’ll leave it for now’ route as to me, it sounds pretty passive aggressive.

I’d gently chase it in a way that puts the ball very clearly in her court- ‘let me know if you want to meet up for your birthday, It’d be good to see you!’ Then leave it there. You’ve tried then, you’ve put yourself out. If she chooses not to put any effort in (again) hove got your message. I’d send flowers and a card I think.

WitheredandOld · 15/03/2023 10:20

Excited101 · 15/03/2023 10:10

I wouldn’t go down the ‘I haven’t heard back from you so I’ll leave it for now’ route as to me, it sounds pretty passive aggressive.

Yes, I’d take this approach.

BeethovenNinth · 15/03/2023 10:24

It’s really sad when a good friendship
changes. I find it very hurtful. But I think this one has run it’s course.

I would just send a simple message back - note you haven’t replied but have a fab birthday. And move on.

hug to you

SoGladofYou · 15/03/2023 10:30

If you want to see your friend, do you pick up the phone and ring her. WhatsApp/text/email has so much to answer for. A message alert comes up on someone’s device, that person thinks they’ve seen it, decides to do something about it and then forgets. I’m convinced that’s why so many friendships drift these days. I must say, I hesitate to pick up the phone myself because I’ve heard people say that it’s bad manners just to ring. But I think it’s worth a try if you really want to see your friend.

SoGladofYou · 15/03/2023 10:31

Sorry, should read
do pick tup the phone and ring her

Original poster

PopcornPoppingInAPan · 15/03/2023 11:19

Thanks all for your advice (and sympathy!) it’s very helpful to have some different perspectives.

I’ve decided not to message her again - I agree it risks coming across as passive aggressive, and also knowing my friend it’s likely to guilt her into saying “Of course I’d love to meet up, do X or Y date still work for you?” even though she doesn’t really want to.

However I will send her a card and a small present.

It is possible there is something going on in her life - she’s was always quite a private person and has not confided in me for a long time. But that said, I recently messaged her husband with an idea for a birthday present (I wanted to check she didn’t have it already) and he didn’t say anything.

As for phoning honestly that would seem too weird - it’s been many many years since I’ve spoken to her by phone. I agree WhatsApp and email have a lot to answer for in they regard…

Thanks again.

OP posts:

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