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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Bullying ASD

11 replies

Circularmadness · 14/03/2023 23:42

Hi, so my DS (11) is in his last year at Primary and is undiagnosed ASD. He’s funny, kind clever and has always been quite popular. As he’s got older his friendship groups have changed a little as you’d expect. Some are more aware of his differences but also just through the children growing up and developing different interests. He has gone to the same small primary since nursery and still has some really great friends. There are a few newer boys that don’t seem to get him at all. Two in particular seem to have a problem with him and I’ve heard of various bullying issues with other children that they deem “weaker” ( younger, additional needs etc) but they are also the footballing popular kids.
Today when I picked DS (11) up he was really quiet and broke down in the car saying that this boy had been throwing stuff at his head in class and had hit him hard in the eye. It’s uncharacteristic of him to sob- he felt bullied and disrespected as well as it being painful. He hadn’t spoken up in class as he’d felt intimidated and didn’t want to tell tales and make it worse.
I was livid, I know this boys mother a little, but not very well ( she seems lovely) we’re in the same large mum friendship WhatsApp group so she’s been to my house for drinks etc. I’ve calmed down but emailed his teacher, I’ve not contacted her yet - my son doesn’t want me to but I think I have to. I’m worried if I don’t let her know he’ll “get away with it” and it will give him permission to escalate ( as has happened with other boys) or if I do that she’ll just be super defensive & he’ll escalate it and my son will hate me and never tell me anything again! AIBU to contact her in a calm, non judgmental but firm way? Do I need my sons permission?

OP posts:

HedwigIsMyDemon · 14/03/2023 23:44

Please let the school deal with it - nothing good ever comes of contacting the parents 😢

Ponoka7 · 14/03/2023 23:47

You need to see what the school says first, at least. Ideally don't contact her at all.

MrsDoylesDoily · 14/03/2023 23:47

You've contacted the school.

Now give them a chance to deal with it.

Original poster

Circularmadness · 14/03/2023 23:50

I suppose what I’m worried about is that the school have been involved with another child being bullied by this boy and it’s done nothing to help the situation. This boy doesn’t have a lot of respect for the school but I think he’d listen to his mum.

OP posts:

LuvSmallDogs · 14/03/2023 23:57

If happens in school, keep on at the teacher until she sorts it. I used to really go on at DS1's when a nasty little @#$$ was making up lies about him and telling others not to play with him etc.

I wasn't rude, just asked DS1 at every pick up if there had been an incident, and if there had I immediately turned to the teacher and spoke to her about it. Being a "polite pest".

It's a different world now, his lovely teacher and TA give whole class talks about "being kind" - my Year 4 teacher used to scream and lob pens around.🤣

Original poster

Circularmadness · 15/03/2023 00:21

The teacher is quite good so I’m sure she will be following it up tomorrow, although I have my doubts about the school. I think I’m worried that he will make things worse if the school deals with it and will target him so for being a grass. It also feels a bit weird (dishonest, disingenuous?) chatting to the mum and not disclosing it.

OP posts:

DPotter · 15/03/2023 02:36

Do not contact the Mum.

Let the class teacher deal with it and if that doesn't work, go through the school's bullying / complaints procedure.

Do not contact the Mum - nothing good will come of it

Ontheperiphery79 · 15/03/2023 04:22

Please don't refer to an undiagnosed Autistic child as "he is undiagnosed ASD". We are Autistic. We do not "have" Autism. Alternatively, if you insist upon using ASD, then it's "he has undiagnosed ASD". Language matters to the Autistic community.

Original poster

Circularmadness · 15/03/2023 07:22

Ontheperiphery79 · 15/03/2023 04:22

Noted, apologies for any offence caused. I agree words matter.

OP posts:

londonrach · 15/03/2023 07:25

Do not contact the mum. Let the school deal with it.

CarrieSmisher · 15/03/2023 07:34

I'd hope the school would deal with it but in my experience they don't, or they are far too slow and ineffective. When happened to my son I spoke to the parents, with the little shit present which was much more effective. He saw me every day at pick up after that.

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