To think that not everyone has the tools to make great life choices?

[malificent7]

I hear a lot of talk on mn about life choices. Especially in the context of benefit recipients or single parents.

I used to make very poor life choices. I suffered abuse from mum and in my teens/ early 20s, from my ex.
I therefore made bad decisions and suffered from horrendous mental health.

This resulted on me rebelling against my mum, not doing medicine asshe wanted me to ( regret this now,), turning to booze and choosing a bad dad for dd.

Since emdr therapy, I have been making much better choices but my upbringinghas definately has held me bk.

Aibu to think that if a person from a relatively affluent middle class family can make poor life decisions, so can anyone if their mh is poor. Not everyone can choose a decent partner, not to be an addict or a decent career.

I do feel like i threw a lot of my opportunities away as a young woman.

I think background and upbringing play a huge part. But it some point it can explain things but no longer excuse them. When the victim becomes the abuser, either through violence or neglect, then at what pint do we say "no more!"?

And resilience plays a HUGE part in this. I went through some monumental crap and was able to grit my teeth, put in emergency plans for worst case scenarios, and day by day fight my way out of the hellhole I had been dropped into.

And sadly, the "not coping" can happen many years into adulthood because the person hides everything. My exH never overcame his background even though for many years it appeared that he had. As a result he totally destroyed mine and my DC's lives. (My Hellhole was courtesy of him.)

Personal experience is completely the opposite.

Absent dad, physically abusive mum. Poverty. According to any textbook, I was bound to choose a poor father for my DC.

But.....

I could not bear any 'loser' man near me, I'd absolutely lose my shit if I was ever treated badly by a bf. It was like a reminder that if I choose a bad man, my life will become my childhood again. I felt as a kid I didn't have choices, but I did as an adult.

As a result I waited a long time and didn't settle, and found a kind, handsome, very successful DH. He dotes on our baby. Our child is completely set up for life (and me for that matter).

It's almost like I've become very calculated because of my shit childhood. I would do anything to build myself a finally successful, calm and peaceful adulthood.

But if we are being completely honest.. I am Master level educated with a good job.. tall slim blond, did catwalk modelling. That made it easier for men to overlook some emotional instability I would show at times.
So I am aware that I had a good choice of men...

Adverse childhood experiences did fuck up my life. I've done ok in terms of lifestyle but there's been a streak of unhappiness and unworthiness and I've never been able to hold down a job because my self esteem is so low.

I could have been so much more. I used to describe myself as a Russian doll without the insides. I lost of my sense of self and I was just reacting, not proactively living my life.

Saying people aren't resilient when they have shitty childhoods and then make poor choices is completely false. Still being on this planet and not killing themselves is fucking resilient. I mean, I remember my first time of wanting to kill myself when I was 5. I used to walk to school age 9 chanting "I want to die i want to die" with each footstep. I'm still here though 3 decades later with my brain still telling me to opt out, and you tell me that's not resilience in fucking spaces!

How can you do your best and make proactively good choices when your brain is beating you up like that?

I think that everyone is different, but there is no doubt that your baby and childhood have a deep impact on your personality and decision making throughout life. Not everyone inherits good mental wealth.

This has been proven and it's linked to Maslow's hierarchy of needs basically if you're basic survival needs (food, shelter, safety) are insecure it's exceptionally difficult to have the presence of mind to make good long term decisions when you have to focus on the immediate.

A good analogy is if there's a wolf that follows you and your kids around, you know it could kill your but it hasn't so far but randomly now and then it attacks you pretty badly. Try concentrating on getting your education or improving your prospects for the future when you just need to make sure the wolf doesn't come back today.

Now replace the wolf with an abuser, or a landlord that keeps putting the rent up or a recurring mental illness or hunger or a child with a terminal illness or a hundred other things.

I didn't have the pick of the guys, except as a friend - the good ones went for girls that looked like you and then moaned to me about it all 🤣.

But on a serious note, I just don't think I was or am conventionally attractive enough to warrant being a partner, obviously it wasn't my personality because I had plenty of friendships and people wanted to spend time with me, just didn't fall in love. I'm overweight now but I wasn't always, and was physically fit and active, I'm just well, a bit ugly I think - that's not me seeking sympathy or being woe is me, I really do think it's the truth of the matter and men just don't find me very attractive.

Those who were interested have always turned out to be screwed up and some, abusive. So I'm single, and have been for many years because I don't know how to attract the 'decent' ones and I don't want any more duds! The thing is, having a partner in life helps with so many other things (or can) than just sex/companionship and I've not had that. You can't 'choose' a decent man if none are romantically interested in the first place.

Society always expects the coupling up and there's usually people willing to tell you that there's 'someone out there for everyone' or that you 'find someone when you stop looking' and there's plenty of negative association attached to being single as a woman who is getting older - the stereotypical 'crazy cat lady' being one.

So on that score, I don't think I stood to be successful at all, if I'd 'chosen' someone from the pool of men available to me, it'd have been another disaster and choosing to stay single is the only other alternative, but has it's drawbacks too.

I didn't have the pick of the guys, except as a friend - the good ones went for girls that looked like you and then moaned to me about it all 🤣.

We have a number of single male friends and that's pretty similar to what they would say only they had trouble with any girl.

From what they say they were on the shy side and lacked self confidence. By the time I got to know them they were fine but settled into single life. Great 'uncles' to the children and always happy to help out.

Sometimes you just make the best of it.

Well said. Lots of the poor choices, take responsibility group have no idea what they are talking about.

Or being murdered as one of my relatives was. She was in her bed at home.