Staying in a friend's flat

[Motnight]

Not sure what to make of this hi.

My best friend and her husband have a holiday flat by the sea. She and her family use it a lot. She offers it out to friends, free of charge, when her family isn't making use of it.

We finally got a date in for me to use the flat for 3 days. She has offered many times before since she bought the place. We met for the keys handover and she mentioned that she hadn't told her husband that I was going to be using the flat as she wasn't sure what his response would be. She said jokingly that I wasn't to leave anything identifying behind.

Her husband really doesn't like me. We last spoke 16 or 18 years ago. He was annoyed about the way that I asked him a question. He said that it made him feel inferior, and he has refused to meet me at all since then. Fair enough. I have never spoken of him badly to her, I didn't want to put her in an awkward position but he has obviously criticised me a lot.

I have come home feeling deflated, and I am not sure why. His dislike of me is one thing, but I don't know why she told me this, and I honestly didn't realise that after all these years he still feels the same way. It has taken the shine off the time away . I am also not sure why she told me this. I am feeling strange going to stay in a place partly owned by someone who hates me and who doesn't know that I am in his flat. I am thinking of not going. But if I don't go I will have to tell her why, and I am worried that it could affect our friendship.

What should I do?

Ah, fuck him. Seriously, don’t give this any more headspace. Your friend clearly thinks a great deal of you and SHE is an owner of the property - so go and enjoy your little break with her blessing 😊

If you can at all possibly afford to book a hotel or BnB I would. When you're on holiday you want to relax, come and go as you please. If you aren't allowed to leave anything behind does that mean you also can't let anyone who knows him see you? What if he tells someone the apartment is free when you are there? If she doesn't ask him, he possibly doesn't ask or notify her. Sorry I very possibly have paranoid tendencies, when other people answer you'll get a more balanced view!

If it's bothering you so much, don't use the flat. But you're not being unreasonable. He's holding a silly grudge for something that sounds like a miscommunication. He sounds like someone with issues if he is still not over this.

But if I don't go I will have to tell her why, and I am worried that it could affect our friendship.

I wouldn't go under those circs, but neither would I hesitate in telling my friend why,
That doesn't mean YOU shouldn't go. You should do what makes you comfortable & happy.

Your friend's H sounds like a controlling dickwad. I;d be very worried about her.
Why does her telling you about his imagined displeasure not affect your friendship - but you responding to that information mean a problem?
She;s your friend. You should be able to be straight with her.

It shouldn't effect your relationship for you to say something like, "I really appreciate you offering me the holiday flat, but I don't feel comfortable using it without the agreement of both owners."

Thank you all for your replies.

I did go to the flat for 3 days. I didn't say anything to my friend. I should have done. I am meeting her over the next few days to hand over the keys.

I don't know if I am overthinking things. I have no worries that she is in abusive relationship, I think that she is in a relationship with a dickhead and that she accepted that a long time ago and has freely chosen to stay with him. There are things that he has done (which I am not going into) that would have made me walk away a long time ago. But she hasn't and I have always respected her choice. I thought that we were very close, and that she was there for me, but for her to tell me what she did, I just don't understand why she would do that.

Anyway thank you again.

This is good.

I'd also refer her to the Freedom Programme.