Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Wanting a bit more help during pregnancy?

26 replies

Hereiamatthistage · 14/03/2023 17:32

Or not?

I’m 5 months pregnant and a bit achey. Also have two year old.

DH away Monday and Tuesday. I do most child related things although do work 3 days a week. Is it unreasonable to want a bit more help at this stage, things like bathing toddler, getting them out of cot in morning, that sort of thing?

OP posts:
BananaBlue · 14/03/2023 17:35

I take it he doesn't normally do those things and more when about?which in itself is/should be unusual.

What did he say when you asked him to do his share?

Badger1970 · 14/03/2023 17:35

It's not "helping" you, it's taking equal responsibility for the family you're creating. If he can't see that you're struggling, he's either blind or he's choosing not to see it....

Time for a frank conversation, I would imagine.

Botw1 · 14/03/2023 17:36

Why isn't he doing these things anyway?

It's not helping, it's parenting

Original poster
Hereiamatthistage · 14/03/2023 17:36

That’s not quite what I’m saying though badger … I’m asking him probably to do proportionately
more

OP posts:
WhatNoRaisins · 14/03/2023 17:37

You need to get him pulling his weight so he's used to it by the time baby number 2 comes along.

GrazingSheep · 14/03/2023 17:37

No. It’s not unreasonable to ask your child’s father to do his share of parenting. Unfortunately, like many posters on MN you seem to have landed yourself with a dud.

GrazingSheep · 14/03/2023 17:38

And he has eyes. He should not need to be asked to step up and do more. He should do it without having to be asked.

BabychamGlass · 14/03/2023 17:39

That's basic parenting, and unless he's also growing a baby inside his body, it's not proportionally more.

Why is he not doing it already?

Original poster
Hereiamatthistage · 14/03/2023 17:39

If he’s doing every bath and every get up it is proportionately more, though. Isn’t it?

OP posts:
WhatNoRaisins · 14/03/2023 17:42

It is proportionally more but if you're feeling unwell and he's feeling fine then he should suck it up.

Albiboba · 14/03/2023 17:42

I’m confused, are you asking him to do every bath and wake up?

It’s obviously not unreasonable to expect your partner to take on more of something when you are less able. But also you aren’t even that close to the end of pregnant at this point.

Original poster
Hereiamatthistage · 14/03/2023 17:45

That’s what I’m asking really @Albiboba , whether asking him to help more is unreasonable, or not.

OP posts:
Whenharrymetsmelly · 14/03/2023 17:47

Why didn't you discuss this before having a second? I'd start agreeing some terms asap, especially for when the baby arrives

BananaBlue · 14/03/2023 17:48

I’m in early pregnancy, I usually wfh but I’m that ill I’m off sick this week.

DH works longish hours, but once he gets in he looks after our preschooler and me. I pretty much go to bed once he is home.

He is doing more/everything because I’m not well and need looking after.

DH isn't helping or doing disproportionately more, he is parenting and husbanding because we are a partnership.

Fleur405 · 14/03/2023 17:49

No it’s not unreasonable. While he’s doing bathtime and wake up you are doing growing a baby!

I basically had my OH waiting on me hand and foot when I was pregnant!

WhatNoRaisins · 14/03/2023 17:52

I think getting them to do more childcare when you're pregnant with number 2 sets the tone for when you're stuck feeding number 2.

Original poster
Hereiamatthistage · 14/03/2023 17:52

I like your thinking @Fleur405 Grin

OP posts:
PurBal · 14/03/2023 17:55

I’m 27 weeks with an 19mo and DH has been doing more. Before I got pregnant we shared everything but what with fatigue, antenatal depression and back/pelvic pain some days DH does everything. I don’t lift DS unless DH isn’t around (or DS is at risk of harm) including bath and cot. Even without the pain I’m sometimes in bed before DS. At this moment in time my priority is staying healthy and growing this baby.

ShapesAndNumbers · 14/03/2023 17:57

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Deut28 · 14/03/2023 18:09

You are doing 100% of the baby-growing. Pregnant women operate near the limit of human endurance: www.bbc.com/news/health-48527798

The least he could do is bathtime.

Botw1 · 14/03/2023 18:10

So are you saying that he already does a fair share of parenting tasks and you want him to do more if not all of your share because you're pregnant?

Rtmhwales · 14/03/2023 18:15

I'm 16 weeks pregnant with twins and have a 4 year old DS.

DH has, without asking, taken over basically everything. The cooking, cleaning, and childcare - whether that is feeding him, entertaining him, bathing him, or putting him to bed. I have barely parented in 2 months (mostly due to really bad nausea and vomiting but also tiredness and aches).

If DH was similarly down, say for an injury or illness, I'd take over. It's what you do in a partnership.

Original poster
Hereiamatthistage · 14/03/2023 18:18

Kind of @Botw1 …

We have a cleaner. And I am mindful I work 3 days a week and he works 5. So he can’t do everything as he isn’t here. But I’m wondering if asking him to do more, is unreasonable.

OP posts:
Botw1 · 14/03/2023 18:29

@Hereiamatthistage

Well that depends on what he does outside life work already and if you're ill as well as pregnant or just pregnant

Iquitforevermore · 14/03/2023 19:04

Your dh needs to do more. It got to a stage when I was pregnant with dc2 that I really felt unwell. I told dh I needed time at the end of the day to unwind after taking care of a 2 year old all day. I'd often bath him in the daytime which was hard work bending over the bathtub aswell. When dh got in from work he would do the bedtime routine/stories etc while i sat downstairs and watched TV. It was only a little bit of time but saved my sanity. If I'd stupidly continued I'd have done everything. Please tell your dh you're unable to do these things anymore. If i could go back id have done a lot less tbh as still did too much, and i didnt work like you! Growing a baby is bloody hard work!