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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

New partner potential sex issue

24 replies

hasitreallybeenthatlong · 14/03/2023 17:07

A month or so into seeing a new guy and we don't meet very often average 1/2 times a week so probably had sex 10 times max I'd say about 80% of the time he has lost his reaction during sex, he had mentioned it in passing conversation that it's something that has happened in past relationship and said he has no control over it (which I completely understand) and it's normal ( which I also understand) I have never been with anyone where this has previously happened and as I am just out of a long term relationship and this is the first man I have slept with following the birth of my DS years ago (traumatic/awful birth) there's a little thought in my head wondering if it's something to do with me or if this is just a normal thing and also what can I do about it?

OP posts:

Aquamarine1029 · 14/03/2023 17:10

I would walk away right now. This issue is going to get bigger and it will impact you negatively. You're not sexually compatible, and if the sex isn't good right from the start, it won't be getting better.

DisforDarkChocolate · 14/03/2023 17:11

I would say this may be fairly common but that doesn't mean it's normal. I can't imagine dealing with this in a new relationship.

AviMav · 14/03/2023 17:13

Aquamarine1029 · 14/03/2023 17:10

This

icelollycraving · 14/03/2023 17:16

God, if he is minimising the effect on sex (literally) I’d give him a miss.
One thing for a long term partner to have this when you have an understanding but a newbie, nope.

Beamur · 14/03/2023 17:17

Heavy porn user?

Lockheart · 14/03/2023 17:21

It's not usual but it's not abnormal. How old is he?

In any situation it's nothing to do with you.

Whether you keep seeing him or not is up to you. If he's not selfish in bed I wouldn't personally consider this a deal breaker but everyone is different.

Original poster

hasitreallybeenthatlong · 14/03/2023 17:23

Do I even bring it up as an issue, I mean I like this guy in other aspects he's great and also he isn't a selfish person in bed, but sex is important to me (last relationship had zero sex life) so I don't want it to follow suit!

OP posts:

Original poster

hasitreallybeenthatlong · 14/03/2023 17:24

Lockheart · 14/03/2023 17:21

It's not usual but it's not abnormal. How old is he?

In any situation it's nothing to do with you.

Whether you keep seeing him or not is up to you. If he's not selfish in bed I wouldn't personally consider this a deal breaker but everyone is different.

He is kid 30's

OP posts:

Always4Brenner · 14/03/2023 17:24

Walk away now this will never get better. I had crap sex from day one in my first marriage I remember thinking on the wedding night “well you’ll never have great sex but at least your away from the family” I was very inexperienced as well he was just crap.

Aquamarine1029 · 14/03/2023 17:28

Just because he's a nice person and you like him doesn't in any way mean this relationship will work. The sex is already a disaster, so be smart and cut your losses.

Tell him you wish him well but this relationship isn't working for you and end it. No more communication. It not fair to either of you to continue on.

FOJN · 14/03/2023 17:29

If there is no medical problem then it's probably because he watches a lot of porn. He's in his 30's not his 60's so I would expect a fairly reliable erection.

Its clearly not working for you so I'd stop seeing him.

Theoscargoesto · 14/03/2023 17:29

You’re already wondering if this is down to you, even when he has said it’s not……so I’d say this relationship isn’t going to be good for your own mental wellbeing.

I did snigger a bit at pp saying the issue is going to get bigger……

Look after you. You are under no obligation to look after him.

upnorthkingsizedbed · 14/03/2023 17:30

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ as it's the work of a previously banned poster.

upnorthkingsizedbed · 14/03/2023 17:30

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ as it's the work of a previously banned poster.

Lockheart · 14/03/2023 17:30

hasitreallybeenthatlong · 14/03/2023 17:23

Has he seen a doctor about it, or does he take anything for it? If you want to keep seeing him I would bring it up (not in the bedroom or in the heat of the moment, as it were).

GBoucher · 14/03/2023 17:37

Perhaps he could try the blue pill? If it's happened in his previous relationship too, it's clearly not you. If the sex is fine apart from his losing his erection (I assume it's temporary and it comes back and you continue?), Viagra might help. If the sex is not great even when he's hard, then you're not compatible and there's no cure for that, unfortunately.

fdgdfgdfgdfg · 14/03/2023 17:57

As a man who has gone through periods of erectile dysfunction, I'd say cut your losses and move on.

It's not a you thing, it's a him thing and it's not your problem to try and fix. It sucks for him, but if your looking for a relationship where sex is an important part of it, best to move on now.

Clymene · 14/03/2023 18:15

He needs to recognise it's a n issue and do something about it. The fact that he won't means there's no point in continuing.

CharlotteRose90 · 14/03/2023 18:53

Oh god no. cut and run . I spent over a year with the person I thought was the love of my life. Everything was perfect except that. He was mid 30s. I couldn’t deal with a sexless relationship no chance. Maybe when you’re old sure but 30s a peak time and you want to enjoy sex not dread it.

CandidaAlbicans2 · 14/03/2023 22:01

He said it's happened in other relationships but did he say whether it improved in time, whether he did anything to resolve it? As for him saying "it's normal", well, it's not uncommon but it's not normal for it to keep happening, and I'd hope to see some improvement as the relationship develops. However, any hint of him thinking you should just accept it and I'd say move on before you get too emotionally attached.

ChiefWiggumsBoy · 14/03/2023 22:03

It won't get better. Cut your losses.

EmmaDilemma5 · 14/03/2023 22:10

It's the fact that he's minimising the issue, saying it's normal.

It absolutely isn't normal for men in their 30s to lose their erections mid-sex the majority of times. He knows that. He just doesn't want to see the GP and feel uncomfortable. He'd rather you put up with crap sex.

I would friend zone him and move on. This is your chance to find someone amazing, don't settle for less.

JudgeRudy · 14/03/2023 22:12

Agree with everyone else. He's not an older guy where this is likely to happen more often. His casual attitude would be a real turn off for me. You like him, but you're not in love....also, you've not long out of a relationship, have some casual fun discovering who and what you like.

Crutcher · 14/03/2023 22:53

Why isn't he using viagra?

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