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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To 'ghost' him?

25 replies

springsky · 14/03/2023 11:04

I separated from my partner last year and quickly started to see someone else. He is lovely but it's just not the right time and I didn't see the relationship developing, I have young kids and I need time to figure out what I want, whether I can work things out with my ex or not etc. I've told the guy I was seeing several times he needs to find someone more suitable, he knows I'd been meeting my ex etc. I've told him I need time to work out what I want and it's just not an ideal time for a relationship.

He then just says.. ok, I'll be your friend. I'm always here for you, don't want anyone else etc. Carries on messaging.. which then I think blurs the lines for him. I've tried gently saying it's not the right time.

AIBU to just stop contact? I feel it's the only way he'd be able to move on and get the message. I don't know what to do.

OP posts:
Lovelyveg82 · 14/03/2023 11:06

, I have young kids

bloomin heck op. You have just split up, got involved with someone else, that’s broken up and now he wants to be friends.

Ghost him or just be straight and say “I am afraid I need to focus squarely on my children at this time so won’t be able to continue any contact. All the best”.

and mean it

Stepuptowardsinfinity · 14/03/2023 11:09

Don't ghost him. That's cruel. Just say I don't want to see you or have any contact any more but all the best for the future. Then stick to it.

Steakandquinoa · 14/03/2023 11:13

Yeah, you haven’t been clear enough, he really likes you and is hanging arround until you’re ready to spend more time with him. Tell him the truth so he knows, then you can stop responding, don’t just ghost him without explanation.

Original poster
springsky · 14/03/2023 11:15

It's not that I don't like him.. I just haven't got the time with having the kids (my youngest is only 1) and when I do have spare time I just want to relax at home not go on dates as boring as that sounds.. I don't want to hurt him but I do need to be more clear I think.

OP posts:
TeaStory · 14/03/2023 11:16

You don’t want to hurt him… but plan to ghost him?!

Original poster
springsky · 14/03/2023 11:17

@TeaStory Yeah thinking about it being direct will be kinder won't it than taking the cowards way out.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 14/03/2023 11:18

Act like a grown-up and tell him you will no longer be communicating with him, wish him well, and block him from your phone.

GoldDuster · 14/03/2023 11:21

He is not hearing you. You need to be unambiguous and say that for several reasons you are not interested in a relationship with him and do not see that changing, sorry.

it's just not the right time and I didn't see the relationship developing ....he might be thinking, if I just hang on the right time will come

I have young kids and I need time to figure out what I want, .... well I know I want her and I'll just give her a bit of time and she will feel the same

whether I can work things out with my ex or not etc.....nah she won't, I'll hang on and find out.

he needs to find someone more suitable, ....she's really suitable for me

he knows I'd been meeting my ex etc..... ah that's ok because they've got to see each other because of the kids

I've told him I need time to work out what I want ... I'll just wait, she will change her mind

and it's just not an ideal time for a relationship.... it is for me!

You need to be really clear.

Original poster
springsky · 14/03/2023 11:29

@GoldDuster thank you for taking the time to write that. I think you're absolutely right and that's how it has been. No matter what I've tried to say gently he's had an answer to. "I'll wait" "I'll be your bit on the side if I have to" I need to be straight rather than trying to spare him feelings because as you say he isn't hearing what I'm trying to say.

OP posts:
Lovelyveg82 · 14/03/2023 11:30

“My children are my priority and have been through a shitty time with my break up with their father. It was a mistake for me to jump so quickly in to another relationship, so please respect my wish to draw a line under this. No more contact. All the best”

Lovelyveg82 · 14/03/2023 11:31

I'll be your bit on the side if I have to

for that alone I wouldn’t want contact with him

Fuckstix · 14/03/2023 11:34

He's either not listening or you've not been clear. Either way, give it one more unambiguous attempt then feel free not to return any contact.

Something like 'just to be clear, it's been nice getting to know you but I have to concentrate fully on my kids and myself. I wish you all the best but haven't got the capacity for a new friendship even. I hope you meet someone great but am going to have to leave things here. Take care'.

PriOn1 · 14/03/2023 11:35

I ghosted someone thirty five years ago. I honestly hadn’t considered how much more unpleasant it must have been for him than if I’d just plucked up the courage to tell him. I wish I had been better to him as he didn’t deserve it. Don’t do what I did. Do the decent thing. He might be a pain in the ass afterwards, but at least your conscience will be clear.

UdoU · 14/03/2023 11:38

TeaStory · 14/03/2023 11:16

You don’t want to hurt him… but plan to ghost him?!

This is very unfair, OP has told it's not the right time for her and she is seeing her ex, this guy will not respect her boundaries.

Cheeseandhoney · 14/03/2023 11:47

No part of ghosting someone is sparing their feelings.

either you are not being clear you do not wish to see him again or he has something wrong with him

So, be clear , tell him it’s over you no longer wish to see him, and then you can ghost and block

GoldDuster · 14/03/2023 11:48

springsky · 14/03/2023 11:29

@GoldDuster thank you for taking the time to write that. I think you're absolutely right and that's how it has been. No matter what I've tried to say gently he's had an answer to. "I'll wait" "I'll be your bit on the side if I have to" I need to be straight rather than trying to spare him feelings because as you say he isn't hearing what I'm trying to say.

No more sparing his feelings, he's not hearing what you're saying and he's putting what he wants ahead of what you're trying to tell him, which is a big nope. Get him told, and out of the way.

Cheeseandhoney · 14/03/2023 11:49

UdoU · 14/03/2023 11:38

This is very unfair, OP has told it's not the right time for her and she is seeing her ex, this guy will not respect her boundaries.

Show quote history

It’s one hundred percent fair, she’s telling him “gently” not the right time, find someone more suitable etc . At no stage has she said she’s said irs over.

MrsMoastyToasty · 14/03/2023 11:51

Take some time out- just you and the kids. No new man, no ex.

monsterradeliciosa · 14/03/2023 12:32

Send a last message being clear, not vague.

Say I no longer want any contact with you - essentially. Pepper it up all you like but make sure you say this clearly.

Then ignore and that is not ghosting, that is doing what you said you would do.

MeMyCatsAndMyBooks · 14/03/2023 12:40

He'll wait? Be your bit on the side?

Goodness op, just tell him straight "you're lovely but your just not right for me as a partner or a friend. I wish you all the best for the future."

huniepop · 14/03/2023 13:01

Almost felt bad for him until 'but on the side'. So he's happy to engage in infidelity knowingly. Doubt he fancies you in that case, op, he just wants sex.

TaunterOfWomenInGeneralSaysSayonarastu · 14/03/2023 13:25

He then just says.. ok, I'll be your friend. I'm always here for you, don't want anyone else etc. Carries on messaging.. which then I think blurs the lines for him. I've tried gently saying it's not the right time.
God how tiresome.
Stop being gentle, & stop needing his permission to ditch him.
"No, this isn't working for me, I wish you well but don't want to remain in any form of relationship with you."

AIBU to just stop contact?
Or you could just do that!

Original poster
springsky · 14/03/2023 13:30

Thank you all, some of your suggestions of what to say have been very helpful. Yeah he said he'd be anything I want him to be, his words were he would be my other man if he had to be.

OP posts:
Lovelyveg82 · 14/03/2023 14:37

springsky · 14/03/2023 13:30

Thank you all, some of your suggestions of what to say have been very helpful. Yeah he said he'd be anything I want him to be, his words were he would be my other man if he had to be.

He sounds a little limp OP. In fact, positively desperate given this is a very early relationship. Can only have been a matter of weeks long.

So yes… be firm, stick to it, and just focus on yourself and kids for the time being

Lovelyveg82 · 14/03/2023 14:38

Any man say he’s be “my bit on the side” or he is happy to be “anything I want him to be”… well alarm bells would be going off very very loudly indeed

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