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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to talk about the argument AFTER the argument?

19 replies

DLK · 14/03/2023 08:15

My partner and I had an argument on Sunday afternoon (it was a petty argument which escalated massively), I tried to resolve it straight after because if we don't we can go days without talking to eachother, he didn't what to talk, fine ok.

I then went to work in the evening and he text me saying 'stay at (my friends house) tonight' I didn't reply to the message as I was at work but me and said friend went for a drink after work. I came home and he still didn't want to talk about it or talk at all.

He then went to work Monday morning and I went to work 30 mins after he gets back so no time to see each other to talk, he's in bed asleep by the time I get home from work.

This morning he sent me a 'morning I love you what you doing today' type message and this really infuriates me. After an argument he seems to just think it's all blown over no need to talk about it and just move on.

I'm aware I can be stubborn and moody but I want to talk about the situation that caused the argument and the argument its self.

So I guess I'm asking am I just being petty and should I just move on and text and carry on as normal or is wanting to talk about it and apologise to each other pretty standard?

OP posts:
smellyflowers · 14/03/2023 08:16

It will just keep popping up again and again slowly destroying your relationship if you don't get to the bottom of it

premicrois · 14/03/2023 08:28

He is manipulative and controlling with his silence.

MichelleScarn · 14/03/2023 08:33

I'd say people can be different.
Someone wanting to rehash an argument and go over things again and again can be just as draining as the argument. Not saying that's what happened here, but do you feel that he sees the argument was 'finished' and you don't?

Mortimercat · 14/03/2023 08:37

If the issue is not resolved, I can understand why you need to revisit that, but actually no I cannot see any point in discussing an argument again.

WhataKant · 14/03/2023 08:39

I agree. I do not understand how a problem can be done with if it was never resolved during the actual argument. How do you talk about what went wrong and how one thing lead to another and how to stop it occuring in the future if one person just sticks their hand in the sand ?

KrisAkabusi · 14/03/2023 08:46

premicrois · 14/03/2023 08:28

He is manipulative and controlling with his silence.

Or he doesn't want to reopen an issue that he thinks is in the past. Wanting to discuss an argument can often be the same as having the argument again. Without knowing what it was about, you can't make definitive statement like that. Maybe it's the OP being controlling by wanting another opportunity to berate her husband. Who knows?

WelHong · 14/03/2023 08:48

I personally can't be bothered re-hashing things and prefer just to move on. You clearly just have different ways of being. Could you talk to a friend about it instead?

IamSmarticus · 14/03/2023 08:50

As a PP said, talking about an argument is almost the same as having the argument all over again. I would get over it and move on, not keep rehashing and bringing it up again by discussing it any further.

isthewashingdryyet · 14/03/2023 08:53

Can you discuss it over text….

Say the argument is about washing up, and you have agreed to take it in turns and you didn’t start til 10 pm on your day and this annoyed him,
Can you ask for a really clear definition of doing the washing up means and agree over texts that it will be done by 9 pm and he can do it as soon as he has finished eating and you will have a rest and a cuppa to allow dinner to go down but will have washed up by 9 pm

or whatever

BreviloquentBastard · 14/03/2023 09:01

I think honestly this depends on if the argument was actually "resolved" by the end of it. And to be honest how often you're arguing, because regular petty arguments escalating into huge rows and culminating in days of sulking and silent treatment just isn't healthy whichever way you swing it. Am I reading right that he also ordered you to stay at your friend's house? I wouldn't be having that.

Does he understand that you're trying to clear the air and address the root of whatever caused the row, or does he just feel like you're going in for round 2?

gannett · 14/03/2023 09:03

Cannot stand people who want to relitigate arguments and over-analyse them.

If the issue the argument was about has been resolved then it's resolved, time to move on.

It's different if there's a recurring pattern of arguing that you need to break, in which case you sit down in a calm momenbt and talk about the overall pattern rather than going back over a specific argument. But in a healthy relationship there shouldn't be that many frequent rows anyway.

purpledalmation · 14/03/2023 09:07

premicrois · 14/03/2023 08:28

He is manipulative and controlling with his silence.

What rubbish. Everyone handles a dispute differently. Some people want to go over and over a dispute until it is resolved in a way that suits them (usually), and others just see it was petty and meaningless. They just don't want to rehash a meaningless argument but they can learn from it, move on and forget. The going quiet for a day or two can just be them mentally resetting their emotions. I know I do this and I'm not controlling or manipulative. There's just no point if it's an argument on leaving dirty teaspoons on worktops. OP says it was a petty argument. More serious issues would obviously be treated differently.

I hate the way people make ridiculous statements as if opinion is fact.

GoldDuster · 14/03/2023 09:11

If it was a petty argument, you weren't arguing over what you think you were arguing over, there's something running in the background.

Instead of spending energy on going over who said what and when at the weekend, as you're unlikely to agree now, have a think about what else is going on and how you can improve that instead so you're not bickering over petty stuff, that's a distraction from what at least one of you is really not happy about.

premicrois · 14/03/2023 10:01

@purpledalmation

What rubbish.

It's not about the dispute and how it's handled. It's about him being manipulative and controlling by giving OP silent treatment and suggesting she does not come home that night.

premicrois · 14/03/2023 10:02

@KrisAkabusi

Or he doesn't want to reopen an issue that he thinks is in the past. Wanting to discuss an argument can often be the same as having the argument again. Without knowing what it was about, you can't make definitive statement like that. Maybe it's the OP being controlling by wanting another opportunity to berate her husband. Who knows?

Not wanting to go over it is one thing, not taking and texting OP not to come home that night? Yeah. He is controlling.

clairelouwho · 14/03/2023 10:34

premicrois · 14/03/2023 10:01

@purpledalmation

What rubbish.

It's not about the dispute and how it's handled. It's about him being manipulative and controlling by giving OP silent treatment and suggesting she does not come home that night.

Exactly. How have people missed that?

Demanding that she stays out of her home and stays somewhere else because they had an argument is manipulative and it is controlling.

Refusing to discuss an argument and giving silent treatment is controlling. As well as immature.

Some arguments, if petty, are better off left in the past, sure. No good bringing up bad rubbish time and again for analysis.

Equally if an argument hasn’t been resolved sufficiently on your side even if it is on his, it will come back up again further down the line.

I’d be quite concerned about the request to stay out, and the silent treatment to be honest. It suggests an inability to handle conflict effectively.

Agreeable · 14/03/2023 10:45

gannett · 14/03/2023 09:03

Cannot stand people who want to relitigate arguments and over-analyse them.

If the issue the argument was about has been resolved then it's resolved, time to move on.

It's different if there's a recurring pattern of arguing that you need to break, in which case you sit down in a calm momenbt and talk about the overall pattern rather than going back over a specific argument. But in a healthy relationship there shouldn't be that many frequent rows anyway.

This.

Cannot stand people who want to re-visit arguments that have finished.

Achieves nothing in my head but gets me frustrated/angry again, which then could start another argument.

People are different though.

Isheabastard · 14/03/2023 11:32

I suppose it really depends on what the argument was about and what is the state of your marriage.

I am leaving my husband after a long marriage. For the last 10 years I feel most arguments between us only ended because he shouted me down. He once caused a massive row because I called him from another room in the wrong ‘tone’ of voice.

After each row like this, a piece of my love for him died and another bit of resentment grew. He never wanted to revisit the argument because he felt he had won the first time.

Do you feel as if your partner treats you as his equal? Mine obviously didn’t and it led to him treating me worse as the years went by.

If you want to rehash an argument,you need to realise what you are hoping to achieve.

premicrois · 14/03/2023 12:18

Do you feel as if your partner treats you as his equal?

Anyone texting their partner after a row to tell them not to come home that night most certainly does not consider them an equal.

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