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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Expensive gifts

17 replies

meaniemaybe · 14/03/2023 07:02

My friend and I have quite uneven financial situations. They own property in the South, send kids to private school and she’s a SAHM and we rent in the NW, use state schools and both work FT. It doesn’t normally get in the way. I give her DD my DD’s hand me downs. She gives my DS her sons hand me downs. They all get worn etc. We take it in turns to choose and meet up in restaurants and always split bill evenly (neither of us drink alcohol).

Recently however she’s been giving me things saying that she bought them and they don’t suit her (clothes) and she can’t return them or that she ordered them then opened them but they didn’t get on with her skin (beauty products). I was Googling how to use one of these beauty product recently and it turns out it’s a face oil that sells for £125! And she just gave it to me?! Estimate I’ve been given probably £500 of beauty products and several Items of clothing from eg Mint Velvet and Hobbs.

Now I feel a bit uncomfortable for having accepted these gifts and stupid for not having realised at the time. I don’t really believe her pretence that she couldn’t return them. Am I a charity case? Appreciate this whole post makes me sounds really chippy. I can’t afford to offer her the money back. What would you do?

OP posts:
neverknowinglyunreasonable · 14/03/2023 07:04

I would probably get straight onto eBay.

Snoopystick · 14/03/2023 07:05

Graciously accept and buy her the odd bunch of flowers.

Haus1234 · 14/03/2023 07:09

If she’s opened the beauty products she wouldn’t be able to return them, so that seems true. Similarly if she’s taken the tags off the clothes. She’s probably just happy that the items can be used and not wasted, the idea of you being a charity case probably hasn’t even crossed her mind!

notacooldad · 14/03/2023 07:13

I would accept some things graciously and then every now and again throw in a comment like ' oh, that's lovely, can I give you anything for it'

Aixellency · 14/03/2023 07:19

It sounds less as if you’re a ‘charity case’ and more as if she’s genuinely fond of you and wants you to benefit from her easier financial position - but without making you feel patronised.

Now that you’ve realised what’s going on - I guess you have to assess your friendship and weigh up what you each bring to the other. Are you maybe someone she comes to for honest advice (on domestic relationships, parenting whatever)? Are you the one who always knows about new books or theatre? Are you someone she admires and aspires to be similar to in personal qualities?

If your friendship is still fairly balanced, when you take everything into account, then things are … ok, going forward - though you don’t always have to accept what she offers. But if your relative situations have diverged so far that you now only see each other out of habit - and you no longer feel like real friends, then maybe it’s time to distance yourself.

PhukOph · 14/03/2023 07:22

I've given expensive bottles of perfume to a friend, over £100 bottles. Ones sat there that I'd sprayed once and then knew I wasn't going to wear. It doesn't make her a charity case, it means I didn't want it, I asked did she. She took it and was happy. Job done.

PhukOph · 14/03/2023 07:24

@Aixellency

Now that you’ve realised what’s going on

What's going on is that she's likely got stuff there that she no longer wants so offered it to her friend. There's nothing at all to suggest that this person is secretly buying with the intention of giving to her friend!

picklemewalnuts · 14/03/2023 07:24

Because she's affluent, she doesn't need to monetise things she no longer needs. It's not a big loss to her, but it's a big win for you. Enjoy it, and be glad it's you she thinks of when she finds something is no longer useful for her.

RunTowardsTheLight · 14/03/2023 07:26

Take the gifts and enjoy them OP. It sounds like you have a lovely friendship, and guilt is a wasted emotion.

Newyeardietstartstomorrow · 14/03/2023 07:27

I don't think it sounds as though she is thinking of it as passing down, and think you are just a good friend who she thinks a lot of.

Widowtoaworkaholic · 14/03/2023 07:32

I don't think she thinks you're a charity case at all. The return window may have gone and she can't be bothered to sell things on so sent it to you instead. I have a friend who is Uber rich- she often spends the equivalent of my entire annual salary in a day and sends me frequent gifts which have in the past included £500 earrings, £300 sunglasses, designer make up etc etc. I used to feel really guilty as even though I do send her gifts, it's ofc not equal. It took me a while to realise that what she sends me is a fraction of what she spends and she gifts me not because she feels sorry for me but because she appreciates my honesty and that I'm always there for her. I'm the one she calls when drunk, the one she asks for advice etc etc. She sees me as a little sister and it's done without considering value.

Aixellency · 14/03/2023 07:52

@PhukOph I wasn’t suggesting any ‘secret buying’ - rather that since the OP has now realised she’s being given material goods of a much higher value than she was aware of - it potentially changes their relationship.

redskylight · 14/03/2023 07:59

Your perceived value of the item is different to her perceived value.

It sounds like you might have happily accepted a £5 gift.
If her disposable income is multiples higher than yours this, in her terms, might be the same as her giving you a £50 gift.

Tinkeytonkoldfruit · 14/03/2023 08:09

My beautiful friend and her husband have had a rough few years financially, they are self employed and their industry was seriously badly hit by COVID, they are just starting to find their feet again. I earn a lot more and am in a better position currently financially. I often pay for things for us, dinner, tickets to shows, things with the kids. She knows I am happy doing it and it's part of my love language. We have a very equal relationship and would both say if something made either of us feel uncomfortable.

Btw I have accumulated a load of dresses etc that I bought online and forgot to return in time and don't have the time or energy to sell on vinted. I'm so crap at getting to post office on time! She may be similar, I would love to pass them onto friends (mine are just wrong sizes for them) as it would get them out of my house and make me feel better about it all!!

Original poster
meaniemaybe · 14/03/2023 08:17

Ok that’s useful reframing thanks.

I always give her stuff like will drop over excess birthday cake and pass on books once I’ve read them etc. Not to mention advice and companionship and things which I do do.

OP posts:
drpet49 · 14/03/2023 08:23

RunTowardsTheLight · 14/03/2023 07:26

Take the gifts and enjoy them OP. It sounds like you have a lovely friendship, and guilt is a wasted emotion.

This. I would love it.

PhukOph · 14/03/2023 08:31

Aixellency · 14/03/2023 07:52

@PhukOph I wasn’t suggesting any ‘secret buying’ - rather that since the OP has now realised she’s being given material goods of a much higher value than she was aware of - it potentially changes their relationship.

Why does it change their relationship?

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