To think that some friendships fade away

[Fabtastic12]

I'm in my mid 30s and in the last few years, some of my friends of a similar age have just gone off the radar for various reasons. Is it just a normal part of life to have friends come and go?

My life has some complexities such as my own mental health problems and children with SEN. This can sometimes hinder my ability to see friends as often as I'd like to but I still make an effort to stay connected. My 3 closest friends are accepting of this and we make our friendships work.

However I feel like I've lost others in recent years, maybe covid was the cause of this. I'm not sure. One friend had an affair, she is now with him and consequently dropped many of her friends, including me. Another friend just never has time, ever. Although I think she does pick and choose looking at her social media. Another friend has become a home school mum and has a clique with other home school parents - she changed a lot since doing this. Another friend has got divorced and has started her own business and hasn't been in contact much since then.

My and husband and I both have friends without children. A couple of them are our closest friends. But others seem less friendly since we had children and they haven't either through choice or not being able to.

I would love to make some new friends. I know it's quality not quality. It's not to replace the ones I've lost but friends who are in the same place we are perhaps. For example, having children with SEN can be very tough and I wonder if making friends with parents in a similar position would be good.

Has anyone else lost friendships?

I think for many people friendships change as life changes. It's nothing mean or personal, just different friends are different seasons and it doesn't make the friendship any less valuable.

I don't know that many people who have a friendship group that has stayed the same since early teens/early adulthood.

Yes, friends come and go - often because we don’t live near/ have much time/ are in different places in life.

I’ve lost and left friends over the years. I have kept the ones who are close to me and we are very much still in touch. I have been hurt by others and I’ve left the friendship behind. I think you just get more clued up as you get older and your time is more precious, so you want to spend it with people you really care about.

This is normal

Definitely. I am of the opinion that friendships are not all meant to last lifetimes. I have always been quite guarded anyway but I had a 10 year friendship that faded away when I realised it was me doing all the calling and making all the effort. As soon as I stopped doing it within a few months contact dried up completely. I think you learn to weed out the lasting ones and just focus on those.

I definitely find friendships wax and wane across the years. Some friends have been in my life over 20 years but I've been closer to different ones at different times. My closest friend now was a less close friend five years ago. An acquaintance is now quite close. I just see some former close friends at group meetups now.

I don't see these changes as bad, just a reflection of how people and lives change across the life course.

Making new friends sounds like a great idea. I imagine it would be good to have some time for your own interests (book club, language course, volunteering, football, welding, whatever!) and/or to make friends with people who have similar experiences

Hi OP I've been through similar in recent years and have done a lot of soul searching on this subject. My thoughts are that friends come and go and a lot about friendships is situational so being somewhere enough times a week or month with someone else to keep the friendship going. Sad but true. Also there is a great myth in this society that friendships are ultra important and strong and two-way and my experience of that is just not the case, very often the fantasy of the friendship is so much better than the reality and I'd rather be at home with a good book than with a fair weather friend. The quote about counting friendships on fingers of one hand holds true imho. But once you accept that, being alone more often feels easier and more enjoyable!

I think we all have. Alot don't make an effort. It requires mutual effort.

Yes, friends come and go - very normal. Sometimes they pop up again later though, which can be nice.

Definitely, OP. My oldest friendships are just two people I’ve known for six years, and I haven’t seen them in person for about four of those years - it’s all been video contact when I had to move away. All my other friendships ended long before, for whatever reasons.