to take my dad's side when he & mum have had an argument?

[WallOfSilence]

Long story in a way.

Mum & dad aren't married anymore but they still get on together & they live not far apart.

My aunt died last summer after an illness. Before she died, she & her daughter had been having a rough time. Her daughter had been keeping a secret from her regarding her (aunts) dh's infidelity as she lay dying. My aunt found out about 4 months before she died that her dh had been having a long relationship with a woman who had been invited to stay at her dd's house. Her dd has encouraged the relationship saying that her mum was dying anyway

Anyway, my mum is very bitter about this & holds it against my cousin, saying she had helped towards making my aunt's last few months a living hell. When my aunt was dying my mum rang my sister. My sister asked if she wanted dad or some of us to go up & be there with her...she said no.

So then last week when I visited her she told me she wasn't talking to my dad... apparently they were driving on Sunday & this car flashed it's lights at dad & he had waved/thumbs up/whatever at the car... then my mum asked who it was... he said he wasn't sure, but thought it must have been someone he knows as they flashed at him... then he said "Oh I bet it was XXXXX (cousin!) I think she changed her car, someone said it was a new type XXXX"

So my mum took it in the wrong way & called my dad all the names under the sun..said he had gone behind her back when he acknowledged the car... (My dad really didn't know)

You know, my mum doesn't drive.. she doesn't know what it's like to be in a situation when someone waves at you, you wave back! I have done it myself, haven't any of you??

Now, to top it all off she is saying he is a Bas££££ because he didn't go to the hospital when aunt was dying (remember mum had said she didn't want him to!!)

Dad has been up at her house with flowers, chocs etc.. he called my sister up & said he is devastated, he doesn't understand my mum & that she is going to be the cause of his death. He honestly has had to put up with shit for years... I personally think my mum has some kind of mental disorder.. she is so bitter & twisted

My sister said she was being very silly not talking to dad over something as silly as this..but now she's not talking to my sister!!

ooh..you know what ? they are grown ups. I wouldn't take any side tbh. Just listen to both and say 'well maybe blahblahblah' and try to encourage them to make amends.
It's all you can do really isn't it
Good luck though ...it's a tough position to be in

Yeah, I suppose I didn't mean side actually.. I meant just... isn't mum being a tad unreasonable??

My dad was in tears to my sister (thank god he didn't ring me!)

My mum really believes she is in the right & had announced she will "never ever ever speak to that man as long as I live!"

i would agree dont take sides as kids you only see what you want to see

you dont know fall insides and out of situations

just stear clear of any involvement in the long run will save your sanity

your mum has reasons to be bitter

we all take it out on people closest just be there for her

and be ther for your dad but your there child not there mediator so dont try and make yourself one

i know its probably hard but to say your mum has mental problems she sounds like she's findimng death hard and grieving trying to blame someone that must have been hard to watch the story unfold and lose her at same time

just be her rock but dont get involved in there arguments and dont judge she's grieving we all act differently and cope differently

Bubble, I agree that is grieving, but she says she knew aunt was dying & was prepared, she had been sick for years & mum treated her like an inconvenience, someone to be put up with Even when we visited & offered to drive her over there, she said she'd rather go shopping...then tell aunt she hadn't got anyone to drive her over.

she criticises everybody all the time, she never used to be like that My mum used to say "Never say about anyone else what you wouldn't like said about yourself".. so it's very hard to watch.

She had depression about 6years ago but will not take the medication the correct way.. she takes half a tablet, or one & half when she feels like it..then she goes for days without taking any!

My uncle fell & broke his 2 legs last week & was in the big national hospital about a mile away from me... she didn't even call & let me know He lay there alone for 2 weeks... I had even been texting her on & off asking how my bro was (He was ill) & how her livingroom was coming along... when I asked why she didn't tell me about my uncle she said "Well, I can't remember everything you know.. sure it's only XXXX.. and it's not like he's dying"

I'm sorry, this is very hard to explain.. between my sisters' & I we are caught between a rock & a hard place.. but if we visit one then the other sees us (Yes they live that close!) and if you go to dad then mum she asks 1000 questions about him But if you visit mum & then dad he spends his time asking what he should do re: mum. I have told him to forget about her & she'll come around in her own time.. He says she will be the death of him as she is messing with his head she's driving him mad... good god... they are over 60 years of age!!

i can see you are in stuck in the middle really deep

i sympathise with your situation my ,mum had this sort of relationship with her mum

i guess if she wont help herself theres not much you can do to help her

it does sound like the depression is taking over is there someone else she is close to that may be able to advise her to seek help

Not really, she's only close to us daughters & we all think she is being very stubborn. Especially for the smallest mistake of waving at someone you're not even sure it is!!

Seriously, if someone flashed their lights at you.. wouldn't the reaction be to wave back?

i always wave just incase someone thinks i'm being rude ignoring them i even wave at people that aren't waving at me lol although i never notice at first

i think the answer is yes she is being unreasonable but she is depressed and clearly her mind is not thinking rationally

she needs someone who can handle being honest to her as its not good for her to be this way she needs to seek help

she's obviously not happy but depression is not easy to overcome she needs support but her actions are unreasonable