To send DS to a different school than his friends?

[Litwicklettuce]

DS is approaching secondary school. He currently attends a state primary school. He is quiet and has a handful of good friends. His current friends will all be attending the local secondary school together. The local school is average but has a reputation for bad behaviour.

DS has the opportunity to go to a better independent school near to us. He is saying that he wants to go to the same school as his friends and I am torn.

When I went to secondary school, everyone made new friends and I barely saw the friends from primary school. Will this be the same for DS? If so, he will have missed his chance at a better school just because he was clinging on to a couple of friendships.

I just want to make the right decision.

His friendship groups will change anyway… send him to the better school

Can he cultivate some other children going to the independent school?so he has some friends in place before it starts.
it is very difficult and hopefully he will view the other school and like it/want to attend.
but don't dismiss his wishes out of hand,I expect he's also nervous about starting 'big' school with none of his mates beside him.

Do your research. Rumours about disruption can be just that. Go visit, ask questions. As people who are there etc

Definitely the better school. My DM did this with DS and me. We soon made friends, and I was very reserved back then.

Loads go to different schools but I'd take on board his views and don't just dismiss them

Does he find making friends easy? Is he outgoing or quiet? Will there be kids from the Independent school living close enough to travel and socialise with? Personally I think that a child who is happy at school and has good parental support will do well anywhere. But if a child feels lonely and isolated they will struggle.

Send him to the better school; he will make friends.
Perhaps he will meet his old friends at sport or church.

I did the same for both my DC. DD was fine but had a little wobble when they were doing all the transition stuff. DS was a bit unhappy but we were borderline for the school all his mates went to and I even did an application to prove it to him - I was right, we didn’t get a place. He knew a lot of people at the new school via his sister and her friends anyway and understood the reasons we wanted him to go,

No personally I wouldn't do this. Friendships are important, especially if he's quiet. My ds is in 4th year of high-school and although he has more friends he's still best friends with his primary pals and walks to school with them, plays football after school etc. I can relax a bit when he's out and about as I know all his pals well, and their parents. I can't imagine taking that away from him. A child with supportive adults at home who value education can do well at any school. My sons school is 'rough' and he's doing very well academically (and socially).

I did this twice. Poor Ds had to make new friends at junior school then again at secondary. Generally he was allowed to express his opinion on secondary but in reality he really didn't have a choice, it was a parental decision.

Children will often want the most familiar and to stick to the kids they know. But if that translates to sending them to a school that isn't really suited to them then it isn't the right choice to make. Of course the social side is very important but so is the quality of education they get. Friends come and go, new ones can be made and old ones dropped - whatever school they go to - but if in the meantime the schooling is below par, what can you do about that?

If his existing friends keep up with him then that's a bonus, but he's likely to make new friends as well.

You can’t know if the friendship group will stay together. I sent a shy ds to a small indep school because I knew he would disappear in a big comp and hide at back / never volunteer and not gain the confidence you need for many jobs. The gamble paid off and he left school with the confidence to share his views in class and give presentations to large groups etc and represent school at various events. He would barely speak to a teacher in year 7 so this was huge for him. He didn’t massively click with anyone until year 8 but as it was small class the boys tended to stick in one group in year 7 and no one was left out. He also mixed with others at extra curricular. It was a longer day / week so he wasn’t bothered about socialising outside school until later years. He kept in touch with some primary friends (mainly as us parents also wanted to stay in touch). In terms of his all round confidence I knew the the indep school was what he needed as he would have to speak up regularly in a smaller class. His friendship group changed several times as people joined and left or classes were shuffled. Boys friendships seem more fluid and pragmatic than girls.

Difficult one - I have three teens: one basically jumped ship from her primary friendship group in the first week and would have felt fine about starting again; one is still closest to primary friends even now (Y10); one somewhere in between.

DH's parents made the decision to send him to private school due to these type of concerns. He really struggled with it and felt like it took him years to regain his confidence. He's a happy and well-adjusted adult, but he did find it difficult and while he understands why they made the decision they did, he'd rather they hadn't. We have chosen to prioritise our kids going to the local school (even though there are things about it that could be better) and his experience has been one factor in that. I think you know your child and your circumstances best, and there are definitely times where it's appropriate to make a decision they won't like in their best interests, but it's a tough call.

This is why children don’t get to make these choices, parents do.

In my DD year four parents sent their children to a different school to the majority. My DD, another girl and two boys. DD and the other girl weren’t really friends in primary but they got on and they were grateful to have each other. The boys were friends but boy 1 knew others at the school so boy 2 was friendless and really struggled. By Christmas his mother moved him to be with his friends at the other school. One other student went to a completely different school and he was on his own completely. Talking to her for the first year her son hated it and would phone her crying at lunchtime. After the first year he made friends and did really well. She sent her daughter to the school her friends were going to three years later. It really depends on your child’s demeanour.

DD goes to a different and far better secondary than her primary cohort, who nearly all go to the local OKish school. Despite being very shy at the time, she made friends quickly and easily and fitted right in. We did make the decision together though, and tbh the local secondary was never on the cards because it used to have a real problem with bullying. I would really recommend taking your son's opinion seriously and explain to him why you prefer the better school. Have you visited both schools?

Friends for life are rarely set in stone at 11. Move him.

This

There is no guarantee that these friends will remain together throughout secondary school, they could be placed in different forms and probably choose different subjects. He can still still see them outside school and meet up at weekends. Does he do any extracurricular activities with these friends? It can sometimes be quite a good idea to have another friendship group outside of school, especially when there are arguments he will always have another group to talk to.