Am I the one?

[Nearly40SomethingGirl]

I have been with my BF for 6 years.

We moved to England (from Scotland) and purchased a home together after being together 1.5 years. I am mid 30s he is mid 40s.

We have both said in conversation that we both would never want to marry as we are divorcees. I said I would like to be married if I ever had children.

I fell pregnant and sadly miscarried 8 weeks later. He didnt propose to me during this time. After our miscarriage, we drifted apart for a bit and he never spoke about starting a family ever again. Whenever we have spoken about kids or marriage, its always "I'd maybe want kids in the future", never "I want to start a family with YOU".

He has often said that he doesnt believe in 'the one' anymore since his failed marriage. We briefly spoke about marriage at the weekend and he said we would maybe marry in the future for financial reasons. I asked if we could get married earlier for other reasons other than finances and he said "it will have to be a good reason".

I dont know what to do, I do love this man but I am not sure if he loves me.

I also saw on his internet hisotry that he was looking at houses to buy in the area - he hasnt mentioned this to me but accordingly to his laptop he has looked many times.

AIBU

I’m so sorry for you loss x

You need to ask him direct questions about your future if these things are important to you. You shouldn’t be considering having children with a man that you can have detailed, frank, sometimes uncomfortable conversations with.

It's a difficult situation. He certainly seems like warm, doesn't he? It's hard to know if he's like warm about YOU or just like warm about commitment in general. Maybe slightly bitter after his last marriage ended?
Either way if children and/or commitment are a priority to you, I'd say he isn't the one for you. He seems very reluctant to make any type of commitment to you at all.

I am married and have only been married once but I don’t believe in “the one” concept either. So I don’t think there is anything wrong with that.

But it does sound like a conversation is overdue between you. You have both said you don’t want to get married again but then you have also said you want to be married if you have children. But it’s not clear if you want children and hence want to get married. I am confused myself. I think you need to have a serious talk.

Can’t

You really need to have a direct conversation.

You say you both said you don’t want to get married again. He says he may for financial and practical reasons.

You want to get married, but you want to get married for the romance of it. Nothing wrong with that, but you have changed your mind. You didn’t want to get married, now you do and you want more than just marriage for practical reasons. You want it as a show of commitment and love.

You need to talk because you simply may not be on the same page or he may not realise that your view has changed.

I don’t believe in the one and I wouldn’t marry anyone, unless it was for practical reasons. That doesn’t mean I don’t love my dp. But if my Dp wanted romance and hearts and flowers and me to say I wanted to marry him because he was the one, I couldn’t do it. It’s just not me. Neither wrong or right. But you need to know where you are.

I don’t think him looking at houses is anything to worry about. Plenty of people look at houses from time to time.

Sorry for your loss.

I don't believe in "the one" either tbh. It's romantic novel nonsense. There are plenty of "ones" and its whether you choose to make a proper go of it with the person you are with and then commit to them. So I wouldn't read too much into this.

It does sound like you need to have a proper discussion to see if you're on the same page about things more broadly though.