To ask how you cope with a relative choosing alcohol over you?

[cornedbeefteef]

Posted about this before. Things aren't improving. Mum has had a long history with drink but since losing my dad 3 years ago it's gotten much worse. She drinks daily but since she manages to work, keep her house tidy and pay her bills she doesn't see it as a problem.

She has very little involvement with my dc anymore. Having promised to provide childcare for youngest after I finished maternity leave it quickly became clear she didn't want to and couldn't be relied on. She says she is anxious but I think it's more because she knows she couldn't drink while she had him in her care.

She often puts us off going to visit because she prefers to be home alone drinking. On her days off she drinks in the morning. She has health issues that need looking into but she won't go to the doctors despite me begging her. She also won't consider any sort of counselling or basically anything that might improve her life. She is grieving I understand that. But as someone who has always had issues with drink she seems to be using my dads death as the ultimate excuse to turn to alcohol and in the process her relationship with me and her grandchildren has suffered greatly.

I'm very hurt and frustrated. I have dh but no other family and I feel so sad that she's basically given up on life. I tried to include her in things after dad died like holidays and days out but she only had interest if it was something that involved alcohol like going for a pub lunch. I am really struggling with work and dc and would love some help. She only lives a mile down the road. But she doesn't want to help and it hurts. I'd accept it if she had a super busy fulfilling life but the fact she's neglecting her family to sit home drinking just blows my mind really.

I don't know where to go from here. I will never go NC with her because I love her and prior to this we've always been so close. But I barely recognise her now and I know my dad would be devastated at how far she's let herself decline.

Have tried looking for al anon groups local to me but there aren't any so I guess I'm just posting here for solidarity and advice. Had a phone call with her this morning where she was slurring and just feel rubbish.

Anyone

I’m sorry you’re going through this - I am in a similar situation with my adult son. In my experience they will only stop if they want to - they can’t see the hurt they are causing especially as they are still able to function with their daily lives. Could she move in with you for a while? Could you go round and sit with her more often? I know it’s hard but please don’t give up on her - does she have friends you can get to help? Big hugs xxx

My friend could have written your post, it's very sad but you cant stop her from drinking. My friend had to take a step back as she was so frustrated. It was horrible time for all the family.

It's really difficult. Have you sat her down and told her how concerned you are by the amount she's drinking? At the end of the day if she's determined to drink then there's not much you can do apart from that.

Her moving in with you would be a terrible idea unless she has stopped drinking first, for the sake of your DCs.

I do try but I find it very difficult to be around her when she's drunk. She slurs and talks rubbish. She can also be quite spiteful and argumentative. I've had to limit contact when she's drunk for my own sanity. It's also not something I want my dc to see.

I am sorry this is happening to you, and your mum has chosen alcohol over her family.
There are 2 separate issues here: her drinking is one and your expectations of what she can provide care wise to your family. I think you need to separate the 2, as family care giving is a whole topic to itself.
Re drinking: you cant stop her, but you can distance yourself and protect your own family from the effects of it. Only she can choose to stop.
Re the care: I dont think your mum is in a position to care for any children, currently due to drinking, but also she doesnt sound like she wants to do it, regardless of what she has said previously about it, and she also shouldnt be expected or asked to. This is separate to her drinking. Sort out childcare and leave her out of it, regardless of whether shes sober or not.

Agree that best move isn’t to move an active alcoholic into a house with young kids. There are online al-anon family groups, this might be a good place to find support and advice. al-anonuk.org.uk/getting-help/

I think you should really prioritise finding an online Al-Anon group you can join, or an individual counsellor if you really want to do something f2f. I think it would help you a lot to have somewhere to work through your own feelings about your mother's alcoholism and to help you accept that you did not cause it and you cannot control or change it. Only she can. All you can do is take care of yourself and your DC.

Hi OP. I have this with my parents. I don't know your other posts so I don't know whether she's always been like this and it's just a bit worse now, or this has completely come from grief, but I'll respond as though it's the former.

You don't have to go NC but in my opinion you have to completely reframe her role in your life. Stop expecting her to be a mum and treat her as you would a friendly neighbour. So you would text to wish happy birthday, send greetings cards, maybe say "we're going out to X place on Y date, you're welcome to come along if you want!" and that's it.

Don't expect her to help you with anything - she won't. Don't lean on her for moral or emotional support. If you have no one else to lean on for this (DH, in laws, best friend?) then you'll go through a period of grieving too.

It sucks, and you will get flashes of wishing you had the same child-parent relationship as everyone else, but it's far better to manage your expectations than have them dashed every time.

Of course, you can still offer support if relevant (e.g. if your mum tells you she's struggling, casually offer to help her get counselling etc) and you think it will help her. But don't push it. Keep channels open but just step back mentally.

There are Nationwide support groups that have online support meetings for loved ones (Zoom meetings etc)
List here https://adfam.org.uk/help-for-families/finding-support/virtual-groups/

I also have it with my parents and I second all of this. If you hang around hoping an alcoholic will change you will be constantly, constantly disappointed, and it’s incredibly painful. Much more painful than just having no expectations in the first place. Acceptance is key. You didn’t cause it, you cannot control it, you cannot change it. You can only protect yourself.

I get it about the childcare, I really do. I would love to have the grandparental help that some of my friends have from their parents and I would love for my children to have the grandparental relationship that my friends’ children have with their grandparents. But my parents are alcoholics so it isn’t going to happen. I have accepted it and grieved it as @takealettermsjones says. I still have flashes of grief when I see my friends’ children playing with their grandparents in the park in the sunshine and I remember that my parents are lying in bed in a darkened room drinking. Slowly rotting away. But there’s nothing I can do about it.

Another thing I’d say is read up about enabling alcoholics. My experience is that they only change when they want to, and they tend only to want to when they really start to feel the negative effects of their alcoholism (and even then not always). So when they start losing jobs, homes, health, driving licences, friends, family etc. It goes against your instincts as a loving family member (what you say about not going NC) but don’t shield her from the consequences of her drinking. It doesn’t help them in the long run, it perpetuates it.

Hi OP, it might be better to get this moved to the Alcohol Support board. There are many of us who are going through this.

You can attend online Al-anon meetings.
You can’t persuade, encourage or challenge your mother to stop drinking. She will only do so when she wants to and she obviously doesn’t want to.

Some really good advice here.
I just wanted to add, your Mum is ill, she has alcoholism. She isn’t choosing alcohol over you, her alcoholism is. I know that isn’t helpful in resolving the situation but it might help your feelings of hurt. Your Mum isn’t choosing alcohol over you because she doesn’t love you, or your children.