Quite deaf DH won't wear hearing aid

[tooquietorshouty]

DH is quite deaf, he can't hear the doorbell, or when the alarm goes off if the fridge is left open. His hearing loss is worst around the exact frequency of my voice apparently.

He doesn't feel he should wear hearing aid around the house just in case I want to talk. They're uncomfortable after a while and he's worried about losing them. Because he hates wearing a hearing aid all our conversations end in arguments about me mumbling, talking too quietly and forgetting he's deaf, and when I raise my voice he gets really defensive because I'm shouting.
I can't win.

This. I came here to point out the exact same thing. Fear of dementia is what changes most people's minds. If it's not comfy then go back and explain why it's hurting and get it changed until it is comfy.

I'd also feel very insulted and angry at him that he's CHOSING to put you both in these ridiculous circumstances of constant communication issues.

@Kazzyhoward are there hearing aids you would recommend?

This. I came here to point out the exact same thing. Fear of dementia is what changes most people's minds. If it's not comfy then go back and explain why it's hurting and get it changed until it is comfy.

It’s not always a case of them just not being comfortable, they don’t always work. To use a phrase from a previous poster, they aren’t a magic bullet despite what some people seem to think

I think the dementia risk is probably more to do with the elderly loosing their hearing and then withdrawing from society. As long as you still integrate and talk to other people as much as others do I don’t think hearing loss is necessarily an automatic risk factor for dementia. It’s to do with the lack of mental stimulation elderly people get if they cut themselves off from the world due to hearing loss.
DH has had hearing loss from childhood. He can’t get on with hearing aids at all despite buying decent private ones. We think this is because he is autistic and so there is too much of a sensory overload on his brain. We have the exact same conversations as you OP. Any chance your DH is on the spectrum?

I needed hearing aids in my 60s I was referred by the GP to specsavers, the hearing aids were completely free, and are great! At first everything sounded a bit tinny and a higher pitch than I was used to, but this was because I hadn't been hearing the higher tones and I soon adjusted. I do have a day off every week, or if my ears are itchy etc. but other than that I am never without them.
My sister had some NHS ones which irritated her ears as the moulded type made her ears sore, she changed to specsavers and has been much happier.

Just been watching the Zoe podcast on aging & hearing loss is really hard on the cognitive skills.

I wouldn't put uo with complaints of mumbling. Mind you, I'm loud & DH is deaf.

You two need to work on your sign ability. Maybe take classes together?

I'm deaf in one ear and lots of hearing loss in the other and I hardly ever wear my aids I prefer to lip read and do it well ( not many of my friends even know I'm deaf).
If I do wear them once I'm home it's an even better feeling than removing my bra and they are the first things to be taken off 🤣😂🤣

I wanted to write the same thing.

YABVVVU OP
@tooquietorshouty

It's not about you or winning. You're not posting by same rules and you need to understand your husband more so that you can both be win:win and kinder to each other. He didn't get hard of hearing to annoy you. Ask yourself Would you get tired of behaving in an anti discriminatory way towards other disabled people with different impairments- if DH were blind? Or Mobility impaired?

Let's reset:
Your DH has told you he doesn't like wearing his hearing aid at home , he takes them out for comfort, but he wears them other times. The talk about dementia is a red herring. You can get a noise overload and over tired and need a break - you should listen to his experiences, show interest in his world his life. Discuss it respectfully as a couple by all means but start with listening and understanding , and end with it's his choice, his disability to manage how he feels best.

Some helpful info:

• hearing aids may often need taken out for periods during day when we are awake to give ears and brain a rest, it depends on the individual.l, their ears & type of hearing aid. Usually audiologists advise you build up but also take them out for periods during the day (especially if prone to ear infections)

• it's more tiring wearing hearing aids, than relying on natural hearing. When you've been hard of hearing for a long time, it can feel like an information overload - don't forget hearing aids never work exactly like natural hearing they don't select out everything
• it makes everything unexpected loud - eg banging of cupboard doors, people raising their voices rather than speaking clearly, those are all like punch to the ear , especially if are done close to person

Us hard of hearing / deaf people live in a quieter world which becomes very loud and noisy wearing h/aids. People seem to understand an autistic person needing to have a break from information overload information assaults, why cant they understand a hard of hearing person needing similar break from noise?

You can help by

• ensuring you get DHs attention when wanting to talk to him -whether he's wearing his hearing aids or not . Gently, (don't shock him ..!)

• be in the same room when you talk!! (No "calling instructions" from other rooms or taking as you leave the room)
• talk one person at a time. Don't talk whilst person is doing something else that takes their attention. It's hard work actively listening when you're HoH (hard of Hearing)

Is. Don't try to have long convos when they are driving the car, they are reading or watching a film, or midst doing something complicated ...)

• face him, keep your hands and objects away from your mouth and face when talking

• speak clearly, enunciate your words (especially consonants), put a v brief slight gap between words (ie. don't mumble and run all your words into each other!!)

• don't use long rambly sentences. Be more concise . (It's hard work to hear what is being said or asked, but almost impossible if someone is talking without any clarity where the long jumbled sentences are going...! )

• We have to concentrate to construct what you're saying so staying on topic and headliners are helpful!

• be patient. You don't expect a mobility impaired disabled person to run with a wheelchair and climb stairs, so don't expect someone hard of hearing to be able to "run" with hearing you, whether they are wearing hearing aid or not"

• don't drop or raise your pitch or loudness suddenly
• find out the pitch in your voice that he hears best (for eg lower range of female voice can often better) - we slightly adjust our speech and voices all the time , why not do this to help your disabled husband hear you better ?

• don't get annoyed being asked to repeat yourself, nor get annoyed at the person because that they didn't hear you. Dont say "oh it doesn't matter" when the person says again "I can't hear you can you say it again?" Please Don't be that disablist (ableist) jerk who does that. It's genuinely upsetting to be constantly put down, ignored and demoralised like that.

Source: am very hard of hearing, wear bilateral heating aids.

It is a bit sad to read some if the ableist (disablist) assumptions & misunderstandings in here about those who are hard of hearing or deaf.

This ^^

And clearer, shorter sentences
Face the person
Don't go on and on.

For the other PP who was upset mum walked away mid conversation once, if it helps, she might have got tired actively listening and unintentionally switched off. I do that sometimes when I can't keep up/ need a break. We have to concentrate more to hear and process what is being says, it's like a loop where we double check info more consciously than a natural hearing person does
Imagine her being a partially sighted person who had to walk away as the lights in that place were too bright for too long in that room, it began hurting / too exhausting so she moved away for a bit to where it was a bit darker.

*I meant she might have thought conversation was over because she couldn't keep up in conversation

I have no advice but my partners the same. He started losing his hearing as a teenager. Decided to bury his head in sand and ignore it. He went private just before our first child was born to get discreet hearing aids. He hated them. Won't wear them. He never heard the kids in night, so it was all left to me. I have to face him to have a conversation with him as he lip reads alot. He struggles in group situations. It's frustrating that he won't wear ear aids but ultimately it's his decision about his health. I've suggested we all go learning sign language as a family as his condition will continue to get worse but I know there's no chance.

@Maggie178
You can't wear hearing aids during the night anyway
It doesn't have to be left to you to get up once you've heard children
You can poke him and say DCs awake it's your turn (have a card that says that, you can him then show him with barely waking yourself up, that gets over hard of hearing bit, the rest will be man/other parent behaviour if he doesn't get up to go straight away)
If he went blind he wouldn't see DCs, he's hard hearing he can't hear them, he can still parent but needs support together with you, to work out how to accommodate for his hardness of hearing

There are sensory alarms that can be used
Video baby monitors
Asjustments
All to involve him so he can participate more than abdicate parenting

Also, yes he communicates by lip reading , yes you'd need to face him when talking so he can hear you. He prefers that to sign language (BSL) and it works best for him.

As a sufferer from hearing loss I was very disappointed when I had my Aids. I was expecting the kind of improvement Specs give to sight probs.
Nowhere near the same, I was really upset. My hearing is distorted, TV or radio all sound as if speakers are crap and old.

I got through the grumpy stage, then I realised I was isolating myself and not joining in things. Always getting DW to answer phone etc.
I have Bluetooth headphones for music on computer and my smartphone. Will now try Bluetooth hearing aids.

For the other PP who was upset mum walked away mid conversation once, if it helps, she might have got tired actively listening and unintentionally switched off.

Nah, she knew full well we were mid conversation, but she forgot she wouldn't hear if she walked away. I'm not "upset" that she did that; I was annoyed at the time that she blamed me for something she did, cheeky mare, and I've laughed ever since.

What I was trying to illustrate, with a mildly amusing anecdote, was that both sides need to learn new habits. And lapses will happen even after many years.

@Tiani4 , that's a great post. Most of those things have come to us thru trial & error.