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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Quite deaf DH won't wear hearing aid

42 replies

tooquietorshouty · 12/03/2023 23:14

DH is quite deaf, he can't hear the doorbell, or when the alarm goes off if the fridge is left open. His hearing loss is worst around the exact frequency of my voice apparently.

He doesn't feel he should wear hearing aid around the house just in case I want to talk. They're uncomfortable after a while and he's worried about losing them. Because he hates wearing a hearing aid all our conversations end in arguments about me mumbling, talking too quietly and forgetting he's deaf, and when I raise my voice he gets really defensive because I'm shouting.
I can't win.

OP posts:
Timesawastin · 13/03/2023 00:41

Hmm, difficult one DH here has complete one sided hearing loss and finds that a hearing aid actually makes it harder to hear rather than easier, so also doesn't wear one. I have to spend a lot of time working out how to be clear and speak directly to the correct side when needed.
Maybe practice assertive speech which is clear without shouting and position yourself get his full attention first before speaking? Takes more work but can reduce the number of "what" s. Unfortunately it may also be that yours may just be in denial about the extent of his deafness.

Timesawastin · 13/03/2023 00:42

RNID may also have some pointers for you both?

POTC · 13/03/2023 00:47

What would you do if hearing aids weren't an option? You need to be a bit more understanding of the difficulties faced by those with hearing loss as hearing aids aren't always amazing for the wearer

Timesawastin · 13/03/2023 00:49

POTC · 13/03/2023 00:47

What would you do if hearing aids weren't an option? You need to be a bit more understanding of the difficulties faced by those with hearing loss as hearing aids aren't always amazing for the wearer

So she should just accept getting constantly criticised? It's not exactly a bed of roses trying to communicate for the hearing partner, thanks all the same.

Slowandwobbly · 13/03/2023 00:58

Apparently there is an increased risk of dementia for those with hearing loss. Therefore a other reason to wear hearing aids. See link below.

www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2023/mar/11/dont-forget-to-floss-the-science-behind-dementia-and-the-four-things-you-should-do-to-prevent-it

Maybe if your DH was aware of this, he may persevere with his hearing aids.

Alphabet1spaghetti2 · 13/03/2023 01:07

Can the hearing aids be altered at all to make them more comfortable? Or perhaps a different style might be better? Or some sort of arrangement where he wears them for progressively longer periods of time to get used to them gradually?

Floralnomad · 13/03/2023 01:53

He either needs to wear aids or stop criticising he can’t have it both ways . Our eldest has moderate deafness and stopped wearing aids at secondary school but lip reads well when he’s home we just make sure we talk louder and he has subtitles on the Tv . If he were to start moaning I’d expect him to get hearing aids

sashh · 13/03/2023 01:54

He needs new ear pieces that fit, and to build up wearing them.

You can get door bells that have a visual element.

billyt · 13/03/2023 09:42

I lost a lot of my hearing in one ear due to working environment. Had a NHS hearing aid but was so bloody uncomfortable I gave up (didn't matter how they changed things - it was of the older moulded type)

Couple of years ago I realised I really needed to do something about it.

Had a hearing test. Ended up with aids for both ears.The difference is amazing. Feel secure as aid sits behind ears as usual but the part inside my ear itself has a retaining loop.

It also has bluetooth, this makes it easier when watching TV as when I watched it on my own I used to have it quite loud or use subtitles a lot. Now I can listen to it and doesn't bother anyone else.

It also has an app so I can adjust lots of the settings from my phone.

piedbeauty · 13/03/2023 09:48

There are lots of different kinds of hearing aids these days. Advice is to start off with them turned down pretty low and only wear them for a couple of hours, then build up both time and volume. You may both need to compromise here, but you deserve to live with a partner who can actually hear you. And who listens...

FoxFeatures · 13/03/2023 09:51

Go old school with flash cards until he decides to behave like an adult.

Suggestions for the cards include

'You are being and arse'
'Stop being an arse'
'I'm off out because you are an arse'

PinkSparklyPussyCat · 13/03/2023 09:53

Hearing aids don't always work. DH can't hear high pitched sounds and his hearing aids don't make a great deal of difference, they just make other noises louder despite being all singing all dancing ones that are supposed to help.

It's not exactly a bed of roses trying to communicate for the hearing partner, thanks all the same.

I'm the hearing partner but I can appreciate it's far worse for the partner with hearing loss, especially when hearing aids don't always work 🙄

parietal · 13/03/2023 09:54

if you can afford it, get good hearing aids privately. they are tiny and comfortable and make a massive difference.

poor hearing is one of the biggest risk factors for dementia and social isolation - it is really important for his sake that he gets something that works.

but if he won't, there is nothing you can do unfortunately.

PinkSparklyPussyCat · 13/03/2023 09:59

I should have also said they do make a big difference when he's on the phone or watching TV as they are connected by Bluetooth.

PillBoxes · 13/03/2023 10:02

A very good audiologist will fine tune aids to suit the user.

As a heavily deaf person from meningitis when younger, I know how difficult it is to get something that works. I've spent a lot of time trying!

I eventually went to a private audiologist. They spent three months sourcing and fine tuning my aids. I was crying the day they switched them on.... I could hear everything so clearly and honestly the aids have transformed my life and the lives of those around me. It is important to keep the aids in when not sleeping as the brain adjusts to the frequencies and amplification over time, and if that is not maintained hearing can regress.

Technology has come a long long way these days, and I am so fortunate to have been able to avail of it. Came at a financial cost, but worth every single penny of the outlay.

I urge you and husband to keep trying. There is a solution out there. I never thought I would hear properly again but now I can.

Kazzyhoward · 13/03/2023 10:02

I've been wearing hearing aids for about 10 years. I'm on my third pair now. They're not a magic bullet and can be uncomfortable and annoying, however much you wear them. It's not always a matter of wearing them more to get used to them.

The first two pairs were NHS ones and really were awful. I went back countless times for "fine tuning" the sound quality, but they never managed to set them correctly for my hearing, so I wore them less and less and they sometimes made my hearing worse rather than better in some settings.

The main problem is that they amplify background noise as well as speech, so, say, if I'm in the kitchen with a "noisy" appliance such as an extractor fan, kettle, microwave, fan oven, etc., it amplifies the "hum", which drowns out voices if the person is further away than the appliance. Same in the lounge - I used to sit close to the TV with OH sat on the other end of the sofa, further away, I couldn't hear him when the TV was on as the hearing aids prioritised the TV. So we swapped places on the sofa, and now his voice takes priority over the TV so I can more easily hear him speak. That applies throughout the house. I can't hear DH if he tries talking to me from another room when there are sounds in the room I'm in, even if a lot quieter.

Until you suffer hearing loss and have to wear hearing aids, you don't realise that hearing aids aren't some kind of magical solution. Yes, they improve hearing in lots of situations, but they don't "cure" hearing loss and don't give you the same kind of hearing that someone without hearing loss experiences. In particular, as I've said, where there are "competing" sounds, the human brain with normal hearing does a better job of being able to separate the sounds than a hearing aid can do!

Because of that, sometimes the wearer will just prefer not to wear them all the time, especially if they don't usually need to hear people. Personally, I'm sat on my own in a small office all day, so don't "need" to wear my hearing aids as there's literally nothing and no one to listen to. Same when I'm at home evenings and weekends, only me and OH, and I don't "need" to wear the hearing aids when I'm online or reading a book, etc. I also don't "need" to wear them to hear my OH when we're, say, sat together in the lounge or having a meal as I can hear him perfectly well if he's speaking directly to me, fairly close together. The problem is when he talks away from me, i.e. in a different direction, i.e. if he's looking out of the window and tells me something outside - I can't hear that without a hearing aid. When I'm not wearing them, it does annoy me that he knows he needs to talk in my direction so I can hear him, but even after several years, he still talks to the window and then gets annoyed if he has to repeat himself.

I do think there's an element of both parties having to compromise. If my ear is sensitive and I've decided not to wear the aids that day, then I don't see it's a biggie to expect OH to actually speak to my face for the odd times he talks, and not to get annoyed when he forgets!

chocnutflumps · 13/03/2023 10:03

have you looked at getting him different hearing aids, to be perfectly honest I went private and got my rechargeable ones from amplifon. They may be very expensive but you can pay interest free from 1-5 years.

I can honestly now say most of the times I actually forget they are in and have to touch my ear to check they are still there.

Apairofsparklingeyes · 13/03/2023 10:11

Are you in a situation to pay privately for better hearing aids? I have moderate hearing loss and my aids are worth every penny that I paid. Hearing aids don’t give perfect results but they make a huge difference if they are effective. I’ve never found them to be uncomfortable, so it could be that your DH’s haven’t been fitted correctly.

sunshinesupermum · 13/03/2023 10:20

Until you suffer hearing loss and have to wear hearing aids, you don't realise that hearing aids aren't some kind of magical solution. Yes, they improve hearing in lots of situations, but they don't "cure" hearing loss and don't give you the same kind of hearing that someone without hearing loss experiences. In particular, as I've said, where there are "competing" sounds, the human brain with normal hearing does a better job of being able to separate the sounds than a hearing aid can do!

This is how it is for me. Consequently I can be out in a pub or restaurant with a friend and everything sounds so loud it is too uncomfortable. My social life is very limited as a result. As for my partner he speaks softly so I do wear my aids at home some of the time even though it is uncomfortable to wear them for long periods.

One piece of advice for the OP is to face her husband when speaking to him, it's surprising how much lip reading we do without realising it.

Beamur · 13/03/2023 10:22

I'm quite deaf (from birth) and can't have aids due to the type of hearing loss. My DH has got a degree of age related hearing loss. It's making communication quite difficult as he hasn't adjusted yet to the fact he isn't hearing well. So, like yours get grumpy and annoyed but it's because he hasn't heard properly. He also won't adjust his behaviour and will quite often shout to me from another room, I can't always hear properly and then he can't hear me reply. I have started just shouting 'i can't hear you ' which acknowledges that I have heard something but not clearly! We are driving our poor DD nuts.
I have pointed out that unresolved hearing loss in middle age has a whopping impact on dementia risk (which got him as far as getting a test) but still no aids..
It's annoying to be around and increasingly isolating for the deaf person, but I also have friends who wear hearing aids and they like to have a break from them some of the time.
So, lots of sympathy from me! But no easy solutions. Better fitting hearing aids maybe?

FictionalCharacter · 13/03/2023 10:28

Hearing aids can be very, very difficult to get used to and they are at best a partial solution. They don’t restore natural hearing and nothing sounds normal. In my experience audiologists can be very lacking in understanding and not good at helping people who struggle. After many years, and many adjustments and different aids and earmoulds, I still detest wearing them.

It’s obviously not good that he snaps at you but I understand his frustration. I’ve been hearing impaired since before I met dh, but he still forgets and does things like speak to me when I can’t see him, which means I can’t hear what he’s saying whether or not I am wearing hearing aids.

I suggest that he goes back to audiology and explains exactly what problems he’s having. They need to do more for him than just tell him to persevere, which is all they did for me. He should also build up the wearing time slowly, starting off in quiet environments.

You need to speak clearly and a bit more slowly and loudly, but please don’t shout. Shouting distorts the words and the lip patterns, feels aggressive and feels like being told off for having a disability.

theemmadilemma · 13/03/2023 12:46

Slowandwobbly · 13/03/2023 00:58

Apparently there is an increased risk of dementia for those with hearing loss. Therefore a other reason to wear hearing aids. See link below.

www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2023/mar/11/dont-forget-to-floss-the-science-behind-dementia-and-the-four-things-you-should-do-to-prevent-it

Maybe if your DH was aware of this, he may persevere with his hearing aids.

I was going to mention this. I gave my Mum that in the hope it might make her Partner wear his, but no. It drives my mother up the wall and she has her own hearing aids so she knows the difficulties, but his not using them has her on her last nerve at times - and he's not blaming her.

Blueuggboots · 13/03/2023 12:55

Don't shout, drop the tone of your voice to a deeper pitch.

DisplayPurposesOnly · 13/03/2023 13:21

It's very hard. My mother has very bad hearing now, is reliant on her hearing aids. As PPs have said they aren't a magic cure and my mother does find them very uncomfortable.

Always make sure you are facing each other for conversations. No need to shout but do speak up and ARTICULATE clearly.

If he doesnt want to wear them all the time, could he keep them in a pouch/wallet in a pocket to pop in when you want to speak to him.

It takes a lot of adjusting, and I have to remind myself to be patient. I'm merely irritated, she's stuck with it.

(My favourite argument is where my mother walked away mid-conversation and then had a go at me for talking to her when I knew she couldn't hear me. Er, you walked off...! Still seething about that one 😂)