Just fuming - need to rant

[KarrieCas]

Hi Mumsnetters! I rarely post and don’t know al the abbreviations so bear with me :) I’m just so fuming right now and need to vent to you lovely ladies 🙏
So me and my mother have a very fraught relationship - she is best described as difficult. I have 2 boys aged 10 and 8 and she lives a mile away yet when ever I’ve asked for help over the years she has always said no, however she does babysit other families in the area regularly because she gets paid and loves doing her Mary poppins act and getting high ratings which she can show off about. This is just one example of her behaviour, I could go on but there probably isn’t enough room on here! So I just put up with it but she still asks to come over for Sunday lunch when it suits her and I oblige even though they’ll be some reason for complaint. Thankfully I do have a fairly helpful mother in law who has been there for me over the years, we have zero in common but she’s harmless, though in recent years myself and my partner have drifted which has made it awkward. So recently her and my mum have become best friends and now all I keep hearing from my MIL is how she doesn’t know why we don’t get on etc etc and it makes me soooo mad! She doesn’t know how mum treats me and has upset me over the years, it’s taken all my energy to try and maintain some kind of relationship with my mother and I don’t appreciate my MIL acting like she can tell me how I should behave!! Today they both came cover for lunch and I bought all the food and cleaned the house yet my mum complained it was cold and wanted the heating on, there want enough food so she made more etc and MIL just goes along with her, even though there is a cost of living crisis on! I just can’t with either of them, I want to tell MIL that if she behaves like that I can’t have her coming over anymore - AIBU ??

I wouldnt invite them over together any more. Sounds like your mum is controlling and ur MIL is a ppl pleaser so will back ur mum up even if she doesnt agree with her

You don’t need to invite them. Do they ever invite you? Just tell them you’re busy.

Just tell your MIL it's great they're friends but there's more to yr relationship with yr Mum than she understands and u don't want to go in to that right now.
You can't control what they say to each other but you would like respect when either one comes over, let alone both.

I'm unclear whatvyour mum has actually done/not done. Tbh if I was at a close relatives home and it was cold I might speak up, likewise if I was expecting a 'full' dinner and was given meager portions. If you can't afford to host just be up front. Maybe suggest a rota where you each take a turn each.
Regards babysitting I don't think anyone should automatically expect childcare particularly unpaid. Have you offered to pay if she's missing out on work elsewhere? So the villagers like her, your MIL likes her and she gets great reviews from work. Without you giving actual examples it sounds like you're the difficult one.
Please give some examples. Letting you know they're chilly (older lady I'm pressuming) or still hungry isn't being difficult

Next time just say "we'll come to you - it's getting expensive with the cost of food and heating".

If they say no, then you know where you stand. They're using you.

I would also remind MIL that she's hearing one side of the story.

I can’t imagine letting my mum be cold in my house, or go hungry and blame it on a cost of living crisis.
Plus you can’t really compare expecting free babysitting with her babysitting and childminding for a living! It’s more understandable that she doesn’t want to regularly babysit on her time off when she does it for an income.

I'm on the fence. It doesn't feel as black and white as you say. If your Mum was cold should she have kept quiet?

I know what it’s like to have a parent that is difficult saying that op she was cold and dinner wasn’t enough . It sounds like you couldn’t really afford to host for Sunday lunch then don’t offer .

Don’t invite them over anymore. When they ask why, tell them it’s because it costs too much and they are rude when they visit.

you can take control of this. You don’t actually have to let people treat you like crap. You can simply not have them in your home.

I agree with not inviting them for lunch, just say you can’t afford it.
As for the babysitting it’s not grabby to expect parents to babysit now and again. Have you offered to pay her op?

Suggest taking turns hosting lunch.

2 moaning women in your home is unreasonable..

Knock this on the head. Don’t have them over again. Just say “well you didn’t like it last time, so I won’t be doing lunch again.”

Never together again. And you might want to have a wee look at the 'Stately Homes' thread.