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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Bullying is worse than the ‘crime’

28 replies

Thon · 12/03/2023 15:38

My DS is a sensitive, kind and gentle boy. He used to have a tight group of friends, but that’s now dwindled to 2 faithful mates. He has always been quiet and thoughtful, but has recently become more withdrawn. He finally broke down and confessed he’d used the ‘N word’ in a WhatsApp message to one friend as a means of greeting (hey n whasup). He knows this is wrong and would never use that language verbally to anyone. He has picked this up from online and gaming forums. There is no excuse I know, but what happened as a result of this has shocked and angered me.

This ‘friend’ took a screenshot of this interaction and shared it round the school. The next day at school, DS was set upon by a group of big lads who grabbed him by the throat and assaulted him. In addition the area where this happened was pasted with posters of my son, his name and calling him a racist. He has been ostracised by his year group and spends time between classes alone or with 1 friend avoiding the rest of this year group. He feels that everyone hates him and his reputation is ruined.

He’s not racist by any means and neither are we - the irony is his 2 remaining friends are not white. I am distraught and heartbroken that he has been carrying this guilt and self-hatred for so long without support. His grades have suffered this year as a result. No one defended him at the time of the assault and the school is not aware.

AIBU to think the rough justice meted upon him is far far worse than the crime?

OP posts:
dumpbag · 12/03/2023 15:40

But he was a racist using the N word?

Did you go to the school re the assault?

dumpbag · 12/03/2023 15:41

How are the school not aware when the assault took place in school and that's the area that was plastered in posters of your son ?

picklemewalnuts · 12/03/2023 15:44

Using the N word isn't in itself racist and doesn't mean someone using it is racist. The boy didn't realise the rules about who can and can't use it, and when. He got it wrong.

Original poster
Thon · 12/03/2023 15:44

we've only just found out

OP posts:
picklemewalnuts · 12/03/2023 15:45

OP you are going to have to make school aware- they need to know. They can't keep children safe from racist incidents or from other bullying if they don't know.

Original poster
Thon · 12/03/2023 15:46

dumpbag · 12/03/2023 15:41

How are the school not aware when the assault took place in school and that's the area that was plastered in posters of your son ?

it happened a number of months ago so I assume the school would have been obliged to tell us.

OP posts:
dumpbag · 12/03/2023 15:48

Yes but if the bullying was in school
And it was in school that the posters were
How do they not know?

HowardKirksConscience · 12/03/2023 15:49

Nothing like the ‘Be Kind’ generation for judging and intolerance. They don’t do forgiveness.

Original poster
Thon · 12/03/2023 15:52

dumpbag · 12/03/2023 15:48

Yes but if the bullying was in school
And it was in school that the posters were
How do they not know?

It happened in an area of the school where the teachers tend not to supervise, but yes i agree it makes me angry that they didn’t know or if they did know didn’t deal with it

OP posts:
cansu · 12/03/2023 15:59

You need to make the school aware. Your ds needs to say who hit him and who witnessed the incident. I am guessing your ds did not let anyone know because he was frightened and maybe ashamed of his original comment. You need to deal with it by speaking to the school.

Original poster
Thon · 12/03/2023 16:17

Thanks @picklemewalnuts and @cansu agree we need to do this

OP posts:
JudgeRudy · 12/03/2023 16:20

Thon · 12/03/2023 15:44

we've only just found out

I'd feel sad that my child could be experiencing such hurt but feel unable to talk to me/his parents. I don't think this is reflection on your relationship rather the shame your son feels. He's made an error of judgment. I believe you when you say he's not a racist.
I'd be disappointed about the schools response to the assault but I don't think there's anything to be gained bringing it up now.Unfortunately these things just need to run their course. I dare say they'll be something new happening for the kids to respond to. Maybe after the summer holidays the classes will get 'shook up' a bit and this will give an opportunity for a fresh start.
In the meantime reasure your son that even the best of people can make a mistake. Let him know that provided he comes clean and is truly sorry you will support him and love him. This sure is one tough life lesson

DojaPhat · 12/03/2023 16:28

That sounds like a very tough life lesson he's learned.

I think you should let the school know the extent of it wrt the posters, the group that beat him up and the ongoing impact on your son especially him being withdrawn and his grades suffering.

Hopefully this will blow over but that's one mistake he'll probably never make again.

dumpbag · 12/03/2023 16:30

cansu · 12/03/2023 15:59

You need to make the school aware. Your ds needs to say who hit him and who witnessed the incident. I am guessing your ds did not let anyone know because he was frightened and maybe ashamed of his original comment. You need to deal with it by speaking to the school.

Yes this.

RunTowardsTheLight · 12/03/2023 16:33

OP, I'm sorry this has happened to your son. I would consider moving schools. It sounds like this it be hard to come back from this. He may benefit from a fresh start.

DojaPhat · 12/03/2023 16:42

So the first you've learned of any of this is from your son? In other words the school didn't or doesn't even know about the initial message and him subsequently being beaten up and the posters? What sort of school is this.

Ikeatears · 12/03/2023 16:49

I would urge people to speak to their kids about this sort of language. My Ds (12) also used this language in a WhatsApp group, as did some of his friends. Their mixed race friend was giving them a 'pass' (those were the actual words used) so they thought it was ok. They're all well behaved, hard working boys who have never been in trouble. Also, quite a naive group of boys. All of us parents came down hard on them and made it clear that they do not use that language whether they feel they've had 'permission' or not.
Social media/WhatsApp groups are so hard to navigate.

AnnaNancy · 12/03/2023 17:15

Wrt the racism, this is a fear of mine with autistic DS. I listen to a lot of R&B. I remember DS asking about this word when JayZ was making use of it on Alicia Keye’s New York. We talked about you being able to use certain words if you have ownership of them, but to be very very careful if you’re not sure whether it’s okay to use that word or not. He said he understood.

Any excuse and I go over it, but boy do I regret letting him hear that music on my watch.

I can see how some children/teenagers get carried away and lose sight of what they’re doing and this may have happened with your DS. Bullies look for any excuse and love the chance to feel righteous: I hope you can work with the school to get it sorted OP.

Fladdermus · 12/03/2023 17:22

AnnaNancy · 12/03/2023 17:15

Wrt the racism, this is a fear of mine with autistic DS. I listen to a lot of R&B. I remember DS asking about this word when JayZ was making use of it on Alicia Keye’s New York. We talked about you being able to use certain words if you have ownership of them, but to be very very careful if you’re not sure whether it’s okay to use that word or not. He said he understood.

Any excuse and I go over it, but boy do I regret letting him hear that music on my watch.

I can see how some children/teenagers get carried away and lose sight of what they’re doing and this may have happened with your DS. Bullies look for any excuse and love the chance to feel righteous: I hope you can work with the school to get it sorted OP.

Same. My autistic DS sometimes comes out with stuff he's heard on Youtube (restricted mode) that he has absolutely no understanding of. So far it's not been too bad and we've caught it first, but I live in fear of him repeating something he's heard in school.

WindowGazers · 12/03/2023 17:30

I'm black and don't think what your son said was racist considering his young age. If it was an adult then of course I would consider them to be racist and uncaring re their choice of words. The reaction from bullies is hugely disproportionate and cruel and the school needs to deal with it accordingly. Your poor son. A very silly mistake yes but it does not excuse violence.

ThinWomansBrain · 12/03/2023 17:31

Social media/WhatsApp groups are so hard to navigate

Maybe that's why the minimum age for WhatsApp is 16, not 12?

Reugny · 12/03/2023 18:46

Actually @AnnaNancy it is better that you explained this to your son then for him hearing someone use it in a friendly context and then him repeating it.

OP if your son can move schools then do that. Your son won't want to be known as a grass who runs to mummy when he gets "punished" for using racist language. Plus the school is shit. I don't believe no adult knew what was happening.

GoodChat · 12/03/2023 18:48

WindowGazers · 12/03/2023 17:30

I'm black and don't think what your son said was racist considering his young age. If it was an adult then of course I would consider them to be racist and uncaring re their choice of words. The reaction from bullies is hugely disproportionate and cruel and the school needs to deal with it accordingly. Your poor son. A very silly mistake yes but it does not excuse violence.

Surely it's racist if he knows it's inappropriate and would never use it verbally?

Mateyduck · 12/03/2023 18:51

Poor lad made a mistake , probably copying the rappers and comedians that use it every time they speak. I would say his intent wasn’t racism , more like he was trying to cool and misjudged it.
I would move his school. He should be able to make childish mistakes and move on, not get battered for them .

DojaPhat · 12/03/2023 20:23

There's a lot in this post that just doesn't make sense. So the day your son came home having been grabbed by the throat and assaulted you noticed absolutely nothing amiss about him, not a scratch or hair out of place, not even a tear given these boys were older / bigger than him?
His crime was writing the N-word and apparently sending it to a friend yet the school did not inform you, he didn't even get so much as a detention even though the message made its way throughout the school? And no teachers saw these posters of your son because there are areas that teaching staff do not supervise in a school? And these posters - did they contain a picture of your son? Does that mean someone got a picture of him from elsewhere?

If this did actually happen the way that you said it did then you need to move schools - not for the sake of your son but the school apparently isn't aware that it's a school.

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