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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friends wedding

27 replies

Mumzy2 · 12/03/2023 14:47

Hi
So one of my two best friends is getting married in September. I don't want to take my bf with me, I know this sounds not great but he doesn't know them and I really don't want to spend the happy occasion stuck at his side providing support. So for some context I took him to my other best friends wedding and he wanted me to stay by him the entire time, I get that. He is not a sociable person, I found myself constantly at his side ensuring he was ok his feelings etc. I tried to introduce and keep convo going and he would move away. Understandable as he doesn't like that sort of thing. No dancing, didn't want to converse with others etc, just kept going outside. It wasn't fun and I was constantly thinking of his comfort and going to find him. He decided to leave at about 5pm and after about an hour and half called me and I and our children had to leave as he had left his keys at my house and couldn't get in. I had to leave and didn't get to witness the cake cut or relax, I felt on edge. (I work 5-6 days per week long hours) so not only was this my best friends wedding but a time out for me to relax and enjoy a special celebration which is rare due to my schedule. Am I being an Asshole for not wanting a repeat of the previous time.

OP posts:
SnackSizeRaisin · 12/03/2023 14:52

Would he actually want to go? I think it's fine not to take him. Just ask your friend not to invite him.

Coffeellama · 12/03/2023 14:53

You no you aren’t, what’s the issue? He doesn’t like these events so surely he’s fine with not going? Or is the real issue that he doesn’t want to go, but doesn’t want you to go either?

PaigeMatthews · 12/03/2023 14:54

You don't live together. You call him boyfriend, not partner. But you have children together. What sort of relationship is this generally?

It wasn't fun
when was the last time you had fun together and / or enjoyed his company?

Weddingpuzzle · 12/03/2023 15:48

One of my closest friends is bringing her best mate (I know her too) to my wedding instead of her DH for similar reasons and I am pleased for her as she will have more fun.

My DP is quiet and shy and won't be dancing at our wedding or my friends wedding the week before but I just leave him to it and get on with enjoying myself. I seem to fall in love with introverts but I am an extrovert and go with the philosophy I am their partner not their mother so I accept they don't want to interact the way I do but I don't babysit either. Would he be okay with you going alone?

Gymmum82 · 12/03/2023 15:52

No. Just tell him he’s not invited. If he doesn’t know them it shouldn’t be a surprise to him.
I have a friends wedding soon and my husband isn’t invited. He’s never met the bride despite her being a friend (he doesn’t make an effort to meet or get to know people) so he can stay home and look after the kids while I go and have fun. Win win situation

Coffeeisnecessary · 12/03/2023 15:52

My dh is exactly the same, I always prefer my friends weddings when he doesn't come along and he prefers staying at home too!

JustGotToKeepOnKeepingOn · 12/03/2023 16:30

Why are you with this man? He sounds as dull as ditchwater. You're opening yourself to a lifetime of never socialising with him. What's the point?

smellyflowers · 12/03/2023 16:35

Yeah just don't take him. Weddings are dull when you don't know anyone.

JudgeRudy · 12/03/2023 16:40

What's the dilemma? Has somebody said that's not OK. Giving the circumstances I'd say it's fine to not drag him along. At least you have childcare now.

Murdoch1949 · 12/03/2023 16:40

Surprised you’re still with him. Not waiting to get in for his keys, knob. Clinging to you at reception, knob. Totally unaware of how he should have behaved, knob.

JudgeRudy · 12/03/2023 16:42

JustGotToKeepOnKeepingOn · 12/03/2023 16:30

Why are you with this man? He sounds as dull as ditchwater. You're opening yourself to a lifetime of never socialising with him. What's the point?

That's a bit of an assumption @JustGotToKeepOnKeepingOn
He might be a very interesting man with a lot of good qualities. He simply doesn't enjoy mixing with lots of new people.

Companyofwolves · 12/03/2023 17:20

No not unreasonable at all. He can hardly be annoyed if he hates social scenarios like you’ve described. Surely he’d be relieved?

AcrossthePond55 · 12/03/2023 18:56

I agree with a PP, just ask your friend NOT to include a +1 on your invitation. It will be interesting to see his reaction. Does he take it calmly because he really doesn't want to go anyway, or does he try to make you feel you shouldn't go if he isn't included.

It could be that he's sincerely not comfortable in social situations. But it also could be that he's trying to control you by making you feel you need to 'put him first' in situations where normally your priority would be time with your friends.

How is he with your friends in more intimate groups? Does he enjoy larger gatherings when it's his friends/family? More important, do you really want to tie yourself with someone who, for whatever reason, doesn't seem to want you to have fun without him?

Aquamarine1029 · 12/03/2023 18:58

You're unreasonable for being with this man in the first place. He doesn't like parties? Fine. That doesn't give him a free pass to be an arsehole and purposely ruin your time. Raise the bar.

SunshineAndFizz · 12/03/2023 19:16

Of course don't go with him, sounds painful, he'll probably be happier at home too.

AlrightJulia · 12/03/2023 19:20

"He is not a sociable person, I found myself constantly at his side ensuring he was ok his feelings etc."
"I was constantly thinking of his comfort and going to find him."
This sounds exhausting. You're not his mother or his carer. And then you had to leave early because he forgot his keys?
Is he often controlling of your behaviour?

UdoU · 12/03/2023 19:22

I think you should tell him you didn’t have fun last time and don’t want a repeat. If he objects then he is controlling and you have bigger issues.

Original poster
Mumzy2 · 13/03/2023 09:19

Thanks all

I appreciate your thoughts. He is a lovely person, just socially awkward. I just don't want a repeat of the last time, so I'm not going to take him.

Thanks again and enjoy your day.

OP posts:
Doesthepopeshitinthewoods · 13/03/2023 12:25

That sounds genuinely awful. You’re way more understanding about how he was at that wedding than I would have been. Especially forcing you to leave early.

I really hope he doesn’t get shirty when you tell him he’s not coming.

mindutopia · 13/03/2023 12:33

He sounds like an awful lot of work. I think it's totally fine to say you're going on your own as you want to do things he doesn't want to do, like spend time talking with your friends, dancing, etc.

Beyond that though, I struggle to see the benefit of being in a relationship with someone who requires so much effort. I don't particularly love social situations, but for dh, I'd plaster on a smile and get on with it without expecting dh to coddle me all night because it's important to him to spend time with his friends and do things as a couple. I'm conscious it's not that easy, if for example, the issue is social anxiety, but I'd expect him to get some help for that. It's not your job to be the caretaker and tip toeing around everywhere.

TaunterOfWomenInGeneralSaysSayonarastu · 13/03/2023 12:42

He decided to leave at about 5pm and after about an hour and half called me and I and our children had to leave as he had left his keys at my house and couldn't get in

How convenient.

Did it not occur to either of you that instead of you & the DC having to leave the wedding early, he could have come back for your keys?

Knowing that he doesn't like parties or dancing, & is unable to cope with smalltalk with strangers, why did he even come to this wedding? Of course you don't bring him to the next one, how is this even an issue? He won;t enjoy it, & he'll ruin your enjoyment.

FettleOfKish · 13/03/2023 12:44

God he sounds like hard work OP. A few years ago a very socially awkward friend agreed to be my +1 to a wedding that would have been very awkward for me to attend alone due to some family history. It was wildly out of his comfort zone but he sucked it up and did his absolute best to be sociable, because he knew it meant a lot to me and he'd agreed to attend. I will always be grateful to him for doing it.

Likewise I'm often out of my depth at big raucous family occasions but I make the best of it with my DH's family because they're like that and it means a lot to him that I try.

If he really can't put you first for a day and make the best of a situation that means a lot to you (simply by not clinging to you or wandering off outside) then he just shouldn't go.

gannett · 13/03/2023 12:51

He is not a sociable person, I found myself constantly at his side ensuring he was ok his feelings etc. I tried to introduce and keep convo going and he would move away. Understandable as he doesn't like that sort of thing. No dancing, didn't want to converse with others etc, just kept going outside. It wasn't fun and I was constantly thinking of his comfort and going to find him.

Did he actually want you to do any of that? It sounds like you were trying to mother him as if he was a shy primary school kid. Shy people who don't like too much conversation do have their own ways of dealing with social occasions and yes, it'll involve going outside every so often for some quiet time. You don't have to ensure his comfort at all times and you definitely shouldn't try to make sure he's actively socialising. Just leave him to his own devices, and mingle as you please!

Of course if he's being whiny about it, that's not on. Tell him to manage it himself.

Does he actually want to go to this wedding though? The obvious solutions to ensure there's no repeat of last time are either

a) if he wants to go, leave him to manage the socialising as he pleases and MAKE SURE HE HAS HIS KEY so he can leave early. Only on MN do people forget their keys and need their partners to let them in this much.

b) if he doesn't want to go, don't make him.

Doesthepopeshitinthewoods · 13/03/2023 13:16

Are they both your children? And he lives separately?

billy1966 · 13/03/2023 13:24

So in effect his needy controlling behaviour ruined the last wedding for you, and your children to such an extent you ended up leaving early?

Why are you with him?

Nice men don't behave like this.

He left his key did he?🙄

How convenient.