To ask how to stop feeling like a complete failure.

[Inexplicable]

I feel so so embarrassed of who I am. I was a bright studious kid. Loved learning, however I was extremely quiet and had / have extremely low self esteem and lacked confidence.

Looking back I think I had undiagnosed selective mutism at some point too. I had a horrible childhood and noone for support. I was just painfully shy and everyone around me hated me being this way. I hated myself for being this way. I went to university to do a HCP role and I just couldn't get a traineeship as I was abysmal at interviews and it highlighted to me how I was never going to make it in the world of work. I was so depressed and quit. My family were completely unsupportive and tore into me.

Fast forward 39 years later and I'm still irritatingly quiet, have low self esteem and as a result its affected my career. I'm just in low paid entry level admin jobs .It's ruined my life.
I'll never be successful career wise, will always be poor and it's had such a massive impact on the quality of my life as well as my children's.

I see my peers who have excelled in confidence, social skills and careers. Not all have amazing careers but pretty much all have developed in confidence/ socially. I am still stuck at the 5 year old mute girl.

I feel left behind when I see how people have thrived and I'm here stunted as life passes me by.

Can anyone relate? Don't know anyone else like me out there like an utter failure.

I think if you've had relationships, had children, held down jobs then you definitely are not a failure!

Think @SunshineGeorgie has nailed it. Why do you think you are a failure when you appear to be living a perfectly acceptable life?

What is your personal life like? partner? Friends? Children?

This, 100%.

Also, you have had the courage to come on here and talk about how you feel. This is a really good step. You are also still young enough to change careers if you wish.

First step might be to talk to your current employers about career progression. If you find this idea overwhelming, write it in an email, and see what the response is. Then write down what you want to ask or suggest on a piece of paper and take it with you. You have obviously done well enough in interviews for them to offer you the job so you aren't as bad at them as you think.

The crux here is that because so many people who should have supported you were unbelievbly, horrifically cruel to you, you have never stopped believing them.

But you -ARE- good at something. You have held down jobs. You have children.

Sending a huge hug .

I have a DH. He's okay - we've had our ups and downs like most people I guess. I have 3 children. I feel I have let them down. I don't have any friends really or a social life. I have a couple of friends from school but I rarely see them as they live on the other side of the country. I have family here but I'm not particularly close to them. I don't really mind lacking a social life. Dh's family are mostly here too and they are nice enough but we only see them at xmas, special occasions.

@MedievalNun I have only done basic entry level jobs. If I had the confidence to stick to the career i was in, I would be earning £50k instead of half of that. I think a lot my insecurities is due to having a low paid job and no career. The lack of confidence / self esteem along with being socially stunted has really held me back. I have put myself out there and tried things but I end up feeling absolutely awful about it. Exposure hasn't made things any easier.

Have you considered taking up a hobby, skill or course that you’ll really enjoy? Just for fun? That could help with your confidence.

I agree that for someone who paints themselves as a failure you have achieved a lot. There’s still time to achieve more. If you want to improve your confidence in communication there are many ways to communicate. You write well. Do you enjoy singing?

Lastly, a lot of us value quieter people. I’m really conscious of talking too much sometimes and am crap at interviews because of this.

I think the problem is wider than your job op

you have no friends. No social life. An “ok” marriage and no interests.

So combine that with being dissatisfied with work… and it sounds a very miserable life.

You won’t let your “children down” by not achieving your work potential. But it won’t be a happy childhood for them if their mother is profoundly miserable with all aspects of her life.

what about focussing on building up something positive for enjoyment?

Have you ever looked into undiagnosed ASD in adults?

I am very similar, you just sound introverted, have you read Quiet by Susan Cain? It's opened my eyes to the value of introverts.
Regarding your career, could you start pursuing something now? It's never too late. I changed careers at 36, unfortunately to a low paid sector so only on £23k at 42 but I really enjoy my job and get by fine on a lower income. My new career is a bit more sociable so I am better at talking to people now but previously wouldn't speak at work unless I had to.
You could reframe how you see your life, there are women who dream of having 3 children and working a fairly undemanding job. I have found positive affirmations help me, I do find it uncomfortable saying nice things about myself though. I read a book recently that said to write down positive things about your life while you have your morning coffee. My 2 yo DD wouldn't let me do that so instead I practice saying positive thoughts out loud to her in the car on the way to nursery. Just stuff like 'We're so lucky to have each other', 'We live in a really nice place', etc. I need to expand more on it and remember to do it every day but it makes an immediate difference.
You sound like you have the drive to do this, make sure you start doing something little every day to change the way you are thinking or change your circumstances if you really want to. The momentum of something daily will keep you going.
You sound like a lovely person.

There’s a sati soemthing like comparison is the thief of joy. You seem to think that you should be doing more/better etc because some others are. It’s easy to do.

But you have 3 children and are holding down a job. That’s difficult in itself.

Like a couple of others have said is there
a hobby, interest/ job you’d like to do.

Maybe a yoga class/ trying a sport/ evening class/ online course.

Just to give you something different to do? And you could try something,
you doN’t like it try the next thing? Would push you out of your comfort zone but just take baby steps- do it, then do it again.

Good luck. You’re teally the only one that can work towards changing things up x

Sounds familiar, are you me?

I moved from admin into IT project management and then IT management with some coding/dev.

It's a great sector because everyone who works in IT is pretty weird and not great with people.

The worst bit is the overt and covert sexism day in day out but I've forced my way up the ranks anyway.

Worth a shot OP.

Hi OP, please do not be so hard on yourself. The selective mutism...caught my attention. I'm wondering if you may be autistic or perhaps experienced a traumatic, abusive childhood? I think the roots of this are in your childhood. Have a read up of autism in women and have a look at childhood adverse experiences ( ACES).

Op you have to ask yourself if you are unhappy because YOU want to progress in your career and earn more money, or do you feel like a failure because of how others view you and your lifestyle?
Get really clear on what you actually want. Some of us aren’t here to excel in the world or work and make loads of money and that is absolutely ok. It doesn’t make you a failure, it just makes you value different things. From what you’ve said about your character, it sounds as though you would find climbing the career ladder incredibly stressful. It’s ok if it’s not for you.

Can completely relate to everything you’ve said OP. I could’ve written this. My family/childhood issues are the root of it all for me. Massive difference in confidence and self esteem (and later successes both work and relationships) between myself and friends who come from happier/healthier homes. It is tough but I try to focus on positives and not compare to others (not easy when you know you had the potential)

@Oatsamazing
"You could reframe how you see your life, there are women who dream of having 3 children and working a fairly undemanding job"
I agree with this! And yes you do sound lovely.

While it's annoying being broke, as long as you have enough that's ok isn't it? My career is crap too, I messed it up by having kids and maybe a rubbish attitude to work - hhhmm, maybe I should look at that....
Do you want to push yourself to earn more, is that an option for you emotionally if its a priority?

Samantha craft ,autism in women checklist ..