To show true colours?

[Howlongdoesittake]

Manipulative/coercive/gaslighting behaviour - can people hide it for years? Friend was with partner for 7 years prior to marriage last year. Lovely chap, funny, kind etc etc.

Since wedding he has changed, calls her a cunt, tells her she only has somewhere to live thanks to him, criticises her clothes choices, tells her after they have been out that her behaviour is embarrassing and that she embarrasses him by being loud and talking to much, says she has body dismorphia because she goes to the gym. The list goes on.

She has started saying what am I doing to make him like this? What can I do to make it better? My heart bleeds for her. I am supporting her as best I can but she says she doesn't want to be that person who has a huge wedding and then doesn't even last a year.

I am also concerned he is much bigger than her. She says he would never hit her but it worries me.

Not sure what the AIBU is just wanted thoughts on the situation. He refuses counselling as he says there's nothing wrong and if they split up everyone would assume it was her fault as everyone thinks he is a lovely person while everyone knows she is 'difficult'

I can't help but think there must have been signs prior to marriage? There can be a sense of ownership/entitlement once married or having a child together so an abusive partner ups the ante. Either ways it sounds like she needs to get out. It's unlikely to improve and will most certainly get worse. It would be easier to leave now than down the line. Hope she's ok.

Did she not see any signs at all before the marriage? I suppose you just need to be there for her and try to get her to see that there's no shame in not lasting a year after a big wedding.
I hope she doesn't start a family with him because at least she could just walk away right now.

Well looking back there were some signs I guess. Making 'jokes' about her but not this extreme. Last time he told her to fuck off he then blocked her car in and told her he didn't say that at all.

He has also said if she leaves he will go to where she is and physically take her back.

The more I write the worse it sounds. In between he is all sweetness. All I can do at the moment is support her and let her know she has somewhere to go.

He's abusing her. It's not her ,it's him and sounds like it was always him . Now that they're married he thinks/feels he owns her . She needs to understand and accept that and leave. She can't fix him, there's nothing to fix. She didn't cause this.

If she can , I'd strongly suggest she gets some therapy for herself because he really did a number on her, and the longer this goes on, the more he'll chip away at her self esteem.

I would start talking to her about what her life would look like without him in it and how she could take practical steps to leave. It matters not a jot if they only married recently and doesn't want to throw the towel in. What is at stake here is her sense of self, her personhood, her self-esteem. Men like this will leave you a former shell of yourself once they're done with you. There is no 'winning' because they will always change the goal posts, they will gaslight you to the point you have no idea what day it is.

Thank you all. Your responses have made me cry as I know you are right and she has already said she feels she is losing herself.

We talked yesterday about life if she left. It will be a huge change in all sorts of ways as their lives are so enmeshed.

I will talk with her again today and might show her this thread.

Thank you

I had an ex who only really showed his true colours after 2 years when we moved in together; something about the power balance where it wasn’t so easy for me to just walk away and we had shared commitments. Looking back there was certainly warning signs but I dismissed them at the time and so when he did show his true colours I assumed it was my fault as it hadn’t happened up to now so tried to do what I could to make things better until I had a lightening bolt moment of what was really happening.

Just to add it’s really positive that she’s talking to you; you may find there’s some false starts of her trying to leave then going back but it’s so important that she knows you support her no matter what her decision is

For those saying surely there were signs before the marriage, that's not the way abuse works. He starts off being charming/lovely/helpful/exactly what the woman is looking for; he mirrors her, reflects back that he is exactly what she wants in a relationship. Once she is hooked, those little 'jokes' are his tests, to see if she will accept them. She's already falling for him so she just sees them as jokes. Even the ones she has doubts about - surely he can't have meant that, they love each other, she must be being oversensitive, have heard him wrong, there's no way he would have meant it in any way other than loving. He loves her after all, they love each other. No, it's one sided.

They groom you into ignoring the red flags. And when you do, or shove them to the back of your mind, they ramp up the abuse. By which time, you're in deeper.

It's very good that your friend is confiding in you, @Howlongdoesittake. It's nothing she is doing to make him like this - it's all him. All of it. I would suggest counselling for herself, definitely not couples counselling, not that he would anyway thankfully. If he does agree to it, that's another red flag. She can't fix this, the only thing to do is to end the relationship. But she needs to do it safely. Men like this don't take kindly to having their egos hurt.

I can't recommend Women's Aid highly enough, they will not force your friend to do anything she's not ready to do, they will support her, talk her through her options and understand. It might be an idea to ask for your thread to be moved to Relationships.

Thank you all. I'll point her in the direction of women's aid. Also have suggested therapy.

Just remind her she deserves better than this. She is better than this.