No more shouting...

[Noisyneighbour87]

I need a sounding board before I send an email I'll regret. Name changed in case of hate. Short story - we won't shout at ds4 anymore to stop running (a few times a day) in sociable hours on the 3 days a week he is at home - aibu?

We live in a top floor purpose built 3 bed flat (all the flats are spacious 3 beds, fully carpeted, same layout). The middle floor is 1 single man. The bottom floor is 4 young ish kids plus parents, we're friendly.

We bought our flat 6 years ago. We've had issues with our neighbour since our ds (now 4) started walking at 10 months. The middle floor guy has complained bitterly about the noise our ds makes walking or running. We made our ds wear socks full time (he wouldn't take to slippers), put down extra rugs on top of the new carpet and underlay we put down when we moved in. When ds was almost 2, neighbour started banging on his ceiling (note, the 2nd bedroom where ds sleeps, not the master) at 10pm to try to wake ds. He would also bang at us and the bottom floor (they have 1 kid with SEN) randomly day and night if he decided we'd been too noisy. After 1 particular night of excess banging by middle neighbour, I went down to discuss - bottom floor neighbour also came up for the same reason - and he hasn't said a peep since. Maybe because he can hear the constant 'quiet feet' or 'stop running' shouting...

I have been cordial, pre warned when ds had chicken pox and was stuck at home, or for the occasional playdate. Neighbour, me and dp are all wfh full time. Ds (and his 13 month old not yet walking sister) do 4 full days at nursery a week. On non nursery days we're out for a few hours to exercise them at park.

I am sick of shouting at my child to stop running in his own home. He's out of bed 7am-7.30pm (but quiet from 6pm due to baby). It's causing a huge amount of stress to both me and dp - we are both taking sertraline, my anxiety is long term, dp is newish with full panic attacks). Ds might do a few laps of the flat running a few times a day (non nursery days) between 7am and 5pm. He jumps only on his bed. I don't think there are SEN, although I'm seeking an arfid diagnosis for him. We were hoping to move this year to a house, but col crisis and surprise redundancy have put paid to that.

AIBU to say to neighbour, no more? There will be no more shouting. Ds is not being loud at crazy hours. He is just excitable. The impact this shouting to make him quiet is having on me, dp and ds, and our relationships, is ridiculous. Willing to buy more rugs, or have him pull up our carpets for sound proofing (though he did 18 months of apparently ineffective sound proofing works to his own flat pre ds, his floors and ceilings, which I just had to wfh through with no complaints...). I won't shout at ds anymore, it doesn't work, and I'm done.

Why you ever began pandering to this arsehole is beyond me. He can fuck right off. If he harasses you again, report him to the landlord, the police, anyone you can.

Gosh that is so stressful OP. I’m sorry your whole family, and your neighbour on the bottom floor, are going through this.

I mean, he just has to move. He has to accept that unfortunately the building carries noise, and you’re not being deliberately or excessively noisy. Goodness knows you’ve tried hard.

Do you think he sound-proofed properly? Because we had an adjoining wall in one upstairs room done by a specialist company and it’s 100% effective. Crazy expensive but definitely effective. There’s a bathroom on the other side of the wall and we used to be able to hear everything😩
If it’s done properly it does work

I'm thinking if he starts banging again I can get an audio recorder for harassment or whatever it would be termed? We didn't want to rock the boat as we were planning to move, but now I think we'll be another 4 years or so until we can move.

We own, he owns, bottom floor is rented.

If he didn't want to hear normal, completely acceptable noise, he should have either bought the top floor unit or a detached house. Document absolutely everything if he starts harassing you again.

What if you wrote to him calmly explaining that what he wants just isn’t reasonable or achievable? I wouldn’t get adversarial because it just doesn’t bring out the best in people.

I’ve been on the other side and it is awful but you just have to accept that you (I mean one has to accept) that you have to move.

He says he got professional music studio sound proofers. He told us he was sound proofing due to the 'party house' (3 young adult male stoners playing video games) on the bottom floor, who left a few months after we moved in. But in the bathroom we can hear the other person on his video calls (his office room is the box room down and the next room along from our bathroom) so it's not amazing. We have hollow wall insulation I think it's called, 1950s build. He is the freeholder.

While I agree there's no need to pander to your downstairs neighbours, we also have a very strict rule about no running indoors. DS' nursery have the same and we try to reinforce it - same as with 'indoor voices'.

In that case it’s obvious he tried to scrimp in getting it done properly. Which is tough. It’s his fault really isn’t it?

When I say expensive (soundproofing) I mean about £4k for one wall, approx 15ft x 10ft about 5 or so years ago. We are Outside London/the SE. I’d put it to him that needs to fully sound-proof one room, for which he’d expect yo pay around £15 to £20k (I think, not in the industry) and accept that he has one room to relax in and he has to put up with noise everywhere else in his flat.

He just can’t control you like this. Stay very calm and reasonable, explaining that he can only achieve no noise if he converts the flats into one house.. He just can’t have what he wishes he had, which is no sound. It’s up to him to face that.

The kids don't even go in the master bedroom or the box room, I think it's literally the living room and hallway, and noise travelling via those. I've no idea what his second bedroom (a decent size, holding currently me and both kids) is used for.

We are SE so I get these things are expensive, but it's a 3 bed flat. Not like we've squashed ourselves in a 1 bed suitable for professional singles/couples.

I don't know if I need to give him a heads up or just wait for the complaints to start. We can hear the bottom floor when their kids are loud, but they go to bed at normal times so they don't disturb anyone, even my 5.30-6pm bedtime baby!

You have an unreasonable neighbour and have pandered to him for too long. Children play at home, they run, they dance, they shout for mummy. Do not harness your children’s play. Ignore your neighbour. He bought a middle flat, knowing he had a neighbour upstairs and downstairs. You are ruining your family happiness by accommodating this twattish neighbour. If he wants to take it further he can record the noise, just as you can. If he wants noise he can have 17 year olds with size 12 feet walking about!