3 year old tantrums

[dAnkl]

My 3 year old's tantrums are really really really testing my patience.

Almost any time he does not get his own way, a massive tantrum ensues.

I try to stay calm, but after an entire day of it, I'm starting to really struggle to stay calm.

Getting him ready for preschool is difficult. He's not happy to get ready and cries and screams while we are getting ready. He's happy once he's there.

Every day he comes home and he's unhappy and grumpy as soon as we get in. It's always something, for example he gets out of the car and decides he wants to get back in and pretend to drive / or he wants to walk around outside the house of whatever it may be. By the time he's inside, he's always having a tantrum.

He's then ok for a bit and the throws another tantrum if he wants to do something in the kitchen he's not allowed to do. For example he wants to ' help ' while I'm cooking. So I let him have a look and maybe stir a couple of things. I sometimes let him put ingredients in while we cook. But then we just need to leave the food alone to cook and he wants to carry on and has a tantrum about that.

He then often gets upset and has a tantrum about getting ready for bed/ brushing teeth / bath time. He doesn't want to do that.

When we go to the playground and have to leave, more often than not, he goes completely nuts because he wants to keep playing.

It's better some days, but some days it's really relentless.

I think he is tired sometimes. But he does have quite a solid routine. Occasionally he wakes up early or he may wake up in the night and that can result in more tantrums the next day.

He loves to just say no to everything at the moment.

How can I get through to him ? I am so extremely patient. I validate his feelings. ' I know you're sad because you want to keep playing ' etc etc. but when will this get easier ? His language has improved so much and he's able to tell me why he's upset. But he still just finds it so hard when he can't do what he wants.

Can anyone help ?

He has no tantrums at preschool and they have no concerns. He follows instructions / boundaries etc there. But I really struggle with him at home some days.

My husband says I'm not strict enough and need to tell him to stop more. Whenever I do tell him to stop, things just escalate. I usually try to distract him and or label his feelings but sometimes nothing helps at all. It's really sad because I feel like he's sad a lot and I don't know how to help him. It's made me really sad today and I just feel broken and like a really bad mum.

I could have wrote this myself! Everyone always says beware of the terrible twos , but for us, 3 has definitely been the most challenging age.

My son will have a tantrum over the most ridiculous thing at home, for example me putting on his Pj's rather than daddy. I feel like I'm forever saying 'no' and telling him off , and as you say some days are relentless and you find yourself counting down the hours till bedtime.

He is however well behaved at preschool, most days when I pick him up they say he's been fine and no conerns. Kids just like to push boundaries at this age with the people they trust the most. I feel that tireness comes into play too as most 3 year olds have dropped naps but they can still get tired and over stimulated easily.

I just wanted to say that I think its fairly normal behaviour for a 3 year old and it sounds like you are doing the right things and just need to ride it out, you don't sound like a bad mum.

My son is nearly 4 now and I hope from there things get better!

Fairly normal three year old - he’s got improved language but he’s not necessarily got the emotional maturity to keep up with it. They are hard work and I didn’t enjoy that age, but I found mine were really quite lovely by the time they started school at 4!

Sounds like one of his issues is transitions - do you give him a countdown to having to eg leave the park? A visual/sand timer to bath time or when he can stir dinner again?

3.5 year old here and I could have written this post. We have got into a cycle when he gets grumpy because he's hungry but he's too grumpy to eat and then it just gets worse. I give cuddles and distraction mainly.

Three year olds are tricky, they want to exert their power and feel like they are in control. Give yourself a break, you sound like you are a great Mum! I’m sure things will settle down with love and a lot of patience. Distraction and validating feelings are good techniques. You might find offering a choice of two (both of which you are happy with) helps give him that feeling of being in control. Or if you say stop, then tell him what you want him to do instead. Consistency is key, toddlers are figuring out the boundaries and sometimes it isn’t pretty! Oh and take a pot of bubbles everywhere. Best distraction ever 🤣

He follows instructions / boundaries etc there

but it sounds like he doesn't have any at home. You definitely need to be tougher with him, he needs consequences.

I do try, but obviously I'm not doing very well.

What do you suggest ? Sometimes he kicks his brother or pushes him and I make him go to time out. He actually takes himself to a time out sometimes. But I don't think it's effective. Screaming at him doesn't work UNLESS I scream really loudly and I hate doing that.

He doesn't even tidy up his toys when asked. He has a ball pit and likes to throw all the balls out of it. When I ask him to stop, he just looks at me and carries on. I tell him he'll go into time out if he doesn't stop and he actually just goes and sits in the time out area on his own and doesn't care he's there. He used to care and cry, now he just sits there.. then he comes back and sometimes he continues misbehaving or other times he will actually tidy up.

How do I show him boundaries / get him to behave whilst I'm getting him ready. He just runs off and I have to catch him and somehow get clothes on. It's tiring

Take a look at biglittlefeelings on Instagram, they've got some great tips.

With the ball thing I would have said "the balls stay in the pit otherwise we're putting them away" continues throwing "ok, no more balls today. We can try again tomorrow" and then move on. Repeat and repeat. They either stop doing the unwanted behaviour or you take whatever is causing problems away so it no longer causes problems for you.

Something I've found really effective with my daughter is counting to three. Biglittlefeelings (gentle parenting) says to give the child an age appropriate choice such as "would you like to wear your red shoes or your blue shoes" but that does not work for DD at all. I give her the choice of "do you want to put your shoes on all by yourself or shall I help you? I'll count to three and then I'll help you" and pretty much all the time she'll do it herself before I get to 3.

It is hard to manage with 2 though as, with the ball pit example, what if the other child is also playing with the balls. You can't take them away from it too? I don't know how to handle that tbh. I tend to take the toy away but feel bad that the other child is also "punished".

Both of my 3-year-old twins are like this. It's such a tough age, SO much harder than when they were newborns! I tend to give in too easily and I know I need to be more firm with them. Like a previous poster said, I do find that counting to 3 often does the trick!

Thanks for the advice and solidarity everyone! It has made me feel a lot better. I've asked mums about how their kids are getting ready in the morning etc and no one reported that their child was like mine.

I hope things get better, I really do.

Hmmm. Prevention is better than a cure for tantrums I feel.

So, cooking. You know he's going to not want to stop to leave the food to cook. So why not give him a task that has an easily defined end whilst the food cooks. So for example, ask him to cut up some cucumber for dinner and put it in a sharing bowl and on the table. Then he can still be cooking and helping but the task has a definite end. That might be enough if a distraction. And you can go "thanks for your help, why don't you go and do X"

Playground. Give warnings in activities, not time. So don't go "5 more minutes". Ask him what he wants his last thing to be so swing or seesaw? And tell him you're leaving after that. Have a play
Tell him "5 more pushes on the swing and we're going/2 more goes on the slide" AND FOLLOW THROUGH. Get him to count if needed.

After nursery, give him food (cheese, flapjack, apple) and some time to decompress. Even if you have to give him food in the car straight away and wait a few minutes. Get home and distract him from the delaying behaviour. Even if that's just giving him a bit more time in the car to chill out.

Getting ready for nursery. Depends what he's getting upset about. Does he dress himself or choose what he wants to wear from a selection you choose
Eg red or green t-shirt
Try putting his trousers on wrong like on his head, and when he says "noooooo, that's wrong" tell him you've forgotten how to do it and can he show you etc

Things like that will help.
Give him control within limits, warnings he'll understand for transitions, distract where you can and let him chill out and just be.

I think a lot of this is just what 3 year olds are like, they need a lot of help regulating their feelings.

I do think that holding a boundary is important, if that's what your husband means.

Do you give him lots of choices? Put him in control of some small things, so he doesn't feel like every single decision is made by you?

Have you also tried using a timer so he has been pre-warned how much time he has left at the park? Perhaps agreeing an amount of time? When the timer goes off you leave. It's like chalk and cheese with my daughter when we use a timer or pre agree something. The former she's screaming, the later she's completely calm.

"He doesn't even tidy up his toys when asked. He has a ball pit and likes to throw all the balls out of it. When I ask him to stop, he just looks at me and carries on. I tell him he'll go into time out if he doesn't stop and he actually just goes and sits in the time out area on his own and doesn't care he's there."

He's 3, of course he doesn't tidy up his toys when asked. You need to help him with that, do it together. Or give him clear instructions like. Your balls must go in the pit. Let's go. I'd like to do the red ones first,what colours are you doing?" Or race him or use an unusual tool like a large spoon/sieve to make it a game rather than a dull activity.

The ball pit. You need to take charge and say"the balls stay the out,or you can't stay in there " and follow through. If it's a constant battle..... Remove the ball pit.

Timeout... absolute waste of time and means nothing to him. Use it as a tool to have some space and calm down sure, which is what he seems to actually be doing... but not be the "punishment" it isn't obvious or logical.

Thank you so much, these are great suggestions.

I do use the warning method already, but it doesn't make that much of a difference.

In terms of getting ready, he wears a uniform for preschool- so he doesn't have much choice. But I could ask him if he wants to put his trousers in first or his top or whatever it is.

I give him very little choices day to day, I think I'll need to work on that. For preschool he has to be there so early in the morning that I just need to get him ready quickly. He's always so exhausted. It's a really long day. We need to leave the house by 8 am. He's there form 8:30 until 3 pm.

The poster mentioning the delaying tactics he uses when we get back home from preschool- that's a really good way to describe it- why does he do that ? Control ? Thanks again, you're all really helpful.

I think I need to give him more control over small things.

He's also not a great eater to be fair. He will say ' I want pasta' then I give him pasta and he pushes it away ' I don't like pasta '... then he'll have some a few minutes later and say it's yummy. I completely ignore what he does around food, as I know it won't help if I make a big deal out of it.

Sounds exactly like my three year old . It's a nightmare at the moment. Everything I do is wrong. He had a meltdown yesterday because we blew up a balloon, because he wanted his top on then he wanted it off. Then he wanted to play with his big brother but his brother wasn't allowed to actually speak . Then it came to dinner time he wanted a chicken wrap like us then decided he didn't want it after all and threw it in the floor and cried for the entirety of dinner because his dinner was on the floor. Then bedtime cried about not wanting a bath so didn't give him a bath. Then he threw himself on the floor because I got him into the pjs and demanded his daddy dress him. On and and on and on. 😂😂🙈 three year olds are psychopaths. I'm hoping it gets better soon because he's an absolute nightmare right now and next to impossible. He's currently crying about wanting a snack and doesn't want to eat breakfast 🙃

"I do use the warning method already, but it doesn't make that much of a difference."

If you want him to be leaving the park what do you say to him?

I'll say something like :

' ok we need to go now. Three more turns on the slide or whatever it is. Then I'll count it down and then at the end I'll be like ' ok now we need to go to the car '

Then he loses it and I'll say, ' I know you want to keep playing. You wish you could keep playing. I understand it's hard when we can't do what we want. ' that kind of thing.

I'm totally open to suggestions though as I'm clearly getting it wrong !

I should think the delaying is about control, yes.

Why does he do it?
Because we all like autonomy.

Think about it, if your Husband for example, said to you what you had to wear, when you left the house, what you eat for dinner, how long you spend doing something fun etc... You'd hate it and go "GAH! Can't I even choose my own shirt???"

You can give your boy autonomy in a safe and appropriate way, by giving him controlled/ closed choices :)

If you're following that through with boundaries it will all get there. Don't expect overnight miracles l. And also be prepared for him to push. So if you saye "would you like the blue or red t-shirt" he may well go "I want the yellow one!". Hold firm with your boundary and say "the choice is between red or blue, would you like me to choose or can you choose?"

Give him the choice if what his last activity is.

So might be a bit if control he can have.

And distract... Try seeing if he'll race you to the car or whatever?

At the end of the day, you need to set the "standard" of... You have choices and control within the boundaries I have set. It will take a little learning from all sides, but will improve and become easier ☺️

It was ages ago now for me but I think I explained what was happening next

On a walk 'when we get home we will have a snack'

Eating lunch 'after lunch we will draw''

While drawing 'when we finish we are going to start dinner'

Any tantrums he was put in his room till he calmed down, over time I got better at me dealing with it quickly, left the room (if a short one) calm myself down then moved on with him

It all sounds very normal, lots of good advice above, I do think the banging on about 'i know you're sad bla bla bla' although very popular now doesn't seem to work that well, I think that's best left for proper upset rather than control based tantrums - what always worked best for us (and it's hard when stressed!) Is humour! Like someone mentioned, pants on head (his or yours!) Right last go on the slide then let's race back to the car like dinosaurs!

Right we are home from nursery, You want to drive? Ok taxi driver where are we going? Great! Now we're there we need to go home to get ready for tea, can you drive me there really fast? You want to explore the garden before we go inside? Good idea, let's see if we can find 3 different flowers then we can go inside and get ready for tea!!

It's really hard for them to tantrum when you are being cheerful and playful! Or if they are already tantrumming you can start playing with something and really enjoy it! Eventually they will come over and join in!

How to talk so kids wil listen book is really helpful with these kinds of ideas - it seems exhausting and time consuming but when it works it actually saves a lot of time and tantrums!

I always think letting them do a little bit of what they want (as long as it's not dangerous or harmful) is quicker in the long run than a blanket no, even if you are in a rush!

But yeah we definitely had all this, it does pass!

Yeah as PP have said he's struggling with transitions which is pretty normal at that age. You can use now/next, or a visual timetable (lots of templates online)

So he won’t tidy up the ball pit when you ask? Dismantle it and put it away, he loses it for a week. Wont leave the park? No park the next day. Hits his brother? Straight to bed, don’t want to see you until morning. Tantrum in the kitchen? Removed and placed in another room away from you. His life will be hell for a couple of weeks haha but he will soon learn.

So a three year old hits his brother at say 9am and you advocate just putting him away in his room like an unwanted toy for 24 hours?! I’ve had a hitter, and it wasn’t tolerated, but he actually in the moment genuinely had no control because he was three and learning about big feelings. He was removed from the situation until he had calmed down but I’d never ever ever put a preschooler in their room by themselves for potentially hours to put themselves to bed upset. I actually feel sick at the idea of it.

“His life will be hell ha ha” - what a horrible attitude. He’s a very small child, he’s probably not enjoying the situation much either and however difficult his behaviour he deserves to be loved and treated kindly and with respect.

Where possible distract or make it fun. Pick your battles and only shout if somethings dangerous. I sometimes found a slight change to routine helped, so if getting dressed in the morning is tricky then try doing it in a different room or after breakfast instead of before. I found taking a scooter or bike to the park helpful so when it was time to go I’d just ask him to hop on his bike then I’d quickly steer him out and he’d be too busy scooting to notice!