to be dreading going to family member's concert?

[ireallycantthinkofaname]

It's tomorrow......2.5 hrs. I will be going, obviously, just wondering if dreading it is really mean/unreasonable; It's ghastly music! (Theres soprana opera! 🤢🥴)

But he's worked REALLY hard, and has improved enormously but is obviously still nervous. So he definitely deserves the moral support. But he's not been great to me previously (to say the least. I'm in therapy......) I'd rather stay home, not that I'm going to because I'd never hear the end of it if I did, and i am proud of him in a way for persevering with practice/through the nerves etc.

not even sure why I'm posting it. should I be looking forward to it? Am I a total bitch? I'm dreading it, and the fact that I'm dreading it so much makes me feel like a complete vile cow!

2.5 hours of amateur opera? No wonder you're dreading it. It sounds hideous.

Obviously it compounded by the fact that this person has been vile to you in the past so why the hell would you want to fawn over them and celebrate their achievements?

However, I appreciate the position that you're in, it's like you're being summoned to go.

You could always wear earplugs and hair down to hide it. Might make it more bearable?

YANBU

Can you go and let your family see you there and then escape?

I remember the days when I felt obliged to turn up to support my DN at music festivals. Not my scene at all! Then I learnt to speak to DSis (so she knew I turned up) and then make a swift exit.

You might feel obliged to attend a close family child's performance for half an hour. But not a 2 hour thing for an adult no way. Just don't go. That's just stupid

If you dislike the music that’s enough reason not to go.
If the person has been mean/cruel/abusive to you there is no need for you to attend at all.
And 2.5 hours of something you hate is way beyond reason.
You’re coughing, could be Covid. Or something you ate has given you the runs. Or Norovirus, omg the vomiting. Don’t go ( I wouldn’t)

YANBU to not want to go, if it's not something you're interested in. People frequently don't want to go to things, even if we do it as a show of support. (2.5 hours is too long, however, even for something you might not actively hate.)

But if this person hasn't been good to you in the past (and is responsible for your need for therapy?!) and isn't your child, I don't see why you feel you have to go. I wouldn't be forced to support someone I didn't like. As others have suggested, I'd be tempted to fake illness!

I wouldn't go. It just sounds like something else to speak to your therapist about.

more context because i'm doing that "drip feeding" thing (without meaning to)

> It's my father
> he was physically and emotionally abusive
> not anymore but relationship still very strained
> I live in their house as too mentally unwell to live independently currently
> he plays French horn in an orchestra & it's his first concert in many many years
> Anxious wreck over it all now and spewed rather spectacularly this morning from both ends. Also very anxious about being seen looking, shall we say, rather the worse for wear (MH issues influence ability to do self care/hygiene) by shared acquaintances and being criticised by him and/or gossiped about by others
> Haven't discussed it with therapist but evidently need to because I feel awful about considering not going

Not sure if this changes anything. Tempted to just admit about diarrhoea, have an early night and email therapist monday about it all (sessions are fortnightly but on the weeks we don't meet we email).

If you’re too ill to go, which it sounds you are, then look after number 1, yourself. There’ll be other concerts to attend when you’re in a better place. 💐

All other things being equal I would go. I sang in various amateur choirs for many years and it was lovely when my family was in the audience. I'm sure sometimes they would have preferred to be elsewhere.

However given your enormous dripfeed just say you are too ill.

Don’t go. You’re not well enough.

this is why I feel guilty - I know he'd appreciate it.
However the illness is genuine in fairness to me (but so are his nerves)

Hang on the OP is in therapy due to this person, hardly the same thing.

I am full of regret over my dripfeed
shot self in foot with that one

an evening alone with the dogs and a book is looking increasingly appealing though cos it transpires he's been gossiping about me to his drinking buddies again so frankly can go fuck himself

Unless this is your child, I don't think you have to endure 2.5 hrs of something you don't like.

Yanbu to not want to go if he abused you. Just cut him off entirely!

YabVVVu to claim its "soprana opera" whatever that means - and call it ghastly and vile just because you don't appreciate the (very beloved my many) art form. The puke emoji didn't really win you any support.

If they have been so bad to you that you need therapy, why are you supporting them? Why are you even engaging with them?

She's explained that she lives with them as she's not well enough to live alone.

It’s that godawful screechy racket that causes the eardrums to vibrate at such a specific pitch and volume as to cause actual pain to the listener. Well clearly not to all listeners because some weirdos seem to enjoy it. I can appreciate the skill and talent that is required to produce that noise, but if anyone forced me to listen to two and a half hours of it, I’d rip off my own arms to stuff them in my ears just to make the pain stop.

Op, you are ill. You aren’t even making up an excuse, it’s perfectly true. Have a nice quiet evening at home and take care of yourself.

It sounds as if illness is not an excuse in this case, but absolutely genuine.
Apart from how you are feeling (quite legitimately) you should bear in mind that you could be infectious.
If your father values his standing with his buddies, (sounds as if he does), you could remind him that he doesn't want to be the cause of a lergy-spreader making many other folks unwell.