Anyone’s relationship lasted despite not liking the in-laws

[Daybedd]

Been with my partner a few years but we live separately. I like my space he’s ok with it and things work. I have found some of his family members to be rude to me and no effort to make me feel welcome. I’ve been polite and try to initiate conversation however I’m now at a point where I just can’t stand acting and pretending. I have anxiety anyway and family events and functions set me off and now I’m at a point where I’ve not been to the last couple of his family functions because of the anxiety of having to deal with it. Anyone else’s relationship lasted the distance despite family complications? Can you offer some tips as to how I move forwards. Me and my partner get on.

Your DP should be stepping up to challenge his family members who are rude to you. Does he ? If not - he should.

I think the main reason why relationships fail when the in-laws are rude / unwelcoming is because the partner hasn't picked up the problem/ sees it & does nothing or just plain dismisses the behaviour. In other words - it's a partner problem not an in-law problem.

Your DP needs to have your back - if he doesn't he's at least part of the problem.

If he does have your back and is challenging rude behaviour, then a discussion with him about future contact with his family is a good idea to agree how you will play it.

i think he’s just ignoring it because he doesn’t know how to deal with it. I’ve called the behaviour out once and he had a word with the person. It’s not always specifically one person it’s the vibes they give off or the unsaid I should say. Not speaking to me and lots of silences etc it’s done in a way where not saying anything but the atmosphere. It’s unbearable now.

My mum and dad are still married but my dad's family treat my dad and therefore by extension mum like trash. They play favourites quite a lot (my older uncle is obviously the favourite child) and my dad is a bit of a pushover. This can work but they fight a lot over it. I also fight with my dad quite a lot because I refuse to visit his mum and siblings and he has never quite accepted this decision of mine. He thinks I should respect elders even if they're horrible to me.

How do his family treat him Daybedd ?

I think you will need to sit him down and have a serious discussion about his family. Maybe with someone like a relationship counsellor who can help steer the discussion. I've had sessions with Relate which as a couple we found useful

His family treat him ok. I just think they don’t like me. I can’t be around the behaviour as I wouldn’t be around it in any other area of my life.

Over 30 years and counting here OP!

My DH should have put them straight at the start instead of ignoring it. It hasn’t affected my life as I have nothing to do with them and our kids think they’re nuts too. DH maintained a presence and they now treat him like shit too, so he’s finally seen the light. His sister orchestrated the original campaign, the rest of them cower in her presence, and she’s now off the scale bonkers.

I’m so glad it’s not my circus.

It would have been so easy to set the boundaries in the beginning……….

Over 20 years here. I don’t have a lot to do with them.
I often use the excuse that I have to work (which is kind of true) and when we do see them, it’s a superficial relationship and talk.

My partner does visit them on his own now and again, but not often. We have never fallen out and I buy Christmas presents each year and remember birthdays.

Personally I wouldn’t be in a relationship where I couldn’t have reasonable interactions with my in laws.

I don’t need to be best friends with them but I need to trust and respect them.

My in laws are the same.

One lot we are no contact with. (They are narcs.)
One lot we rarely see and I cope by taking the kids for a long week to visit my own family when they come up to see DH and mil. (Otherwise it's a horrid atmosphere and I'm expected to have their child the whole stay while they're very rude.)
The MIL I just grin and bare it for the sake of DH.

I've been married for 37 years and struggle with DH's sister, the only family he has left now. She never wanted me to marry DH and in fact cooked up a bonkers plan to get DH's ex invited to the wedding. DH would apparently 'see the light' when he saw her at the church and ditch me at the altar! Needless to say, it didn't work. I've always been mindful of the fact that she is his only family and before we met she was very good to him. So I don't cause confrontation, but I don't go out of my way to encourage a relationship either. So I never suggest getting together, but if DH wants to organise something, I'll go along. It doesn't happen often! I do Christmas presents but that's about it. I don't do or say anything to bring her to DH's mind, but if he mentions her, I'll respond neutrally. I never initiate contact with her, but will speak to her if she phones up. When we do see her, I am polite and will join in conversations, but that's about it. As the years have gone by, DH has seen for himself that she's very controlling without me having to say anything. Its got easier to be very neutral about her.

5 years in here. The agreement we came to is that the in laws are not welcome in our home, at our celebrations and I do not attend any of their family gatherings.

i think he’s just ignoring it because he doesn’t know how to deal with it.

This is why your relationship will fail. If he doesn't have your back, it's already over. Moving in together would be a huge mistake.