Tricky ex?

[ThrowTheTowel]

Hello all! I’m new here and wanted to reach out for some advice. I’d really appreciate your feedback!

I’ve been dating a guy for just over 6 months now and it’s been amazing. He has a young son (about 7 years old) and told me when we met that he has a very amicable relationship with DS Mum (his ex). I was really relieved about this, as having a healthy, co-parenting arrangement is so much better for the child.

Fast forward to now and it would seem that things are much more friendly than I thought. I’ll give you some examples; doing favours for her (picking things up for her), helping her with the car and so on, feeding her cat when she’s away (he has a key for her house!!). Also, they message multiple times a day - this is usually 5-10 times per day. I have no issue with them messaging about their son - I never have. Although the messaging about the price of toilet roll, TV licensing arrangements (for online viewing) and other inane cat-related conversations is a bit too much for me to bear!

I’ve asked my partner several times to speak with his ex about the way in which they communicate to see if he might be willing to make changes. He wasn’t. He said he liked all the messages because it helped him to feel closer to his son. Which I do understand in some way I suppose. I guess things came to a head last night, where I told him how sad all of this was making me. I asked him if he would mind showing me some of the recent messages, but he refused. Which again, I appreciate, but it does make me feel very confused and worried about things, as they seem very dependent on each other (and not willing to let go of this).

Apart from all of the above, we have a happy relationship and I get on really well with his son too. I’ve asked my partner to think about if he can reduce the communication with his ex to just being about their son. I’ve also done some research about healthy co-parenting and what this should look like (for the benefit of his son) and asked if he would consider any of the approaches and tools that they recommended. I’ve also asked him to sit down with his ex and have a conversation about changing their communication style and how she might feel about this too.

Any thoughts and comments really appreciated. Just to say, I don’t really know much about the background between my partner and his ex. Other than: they split up around 3.5 years ago, as she said that she didn’t want to be with him anymore (no domestic violence). He moved out and into another village. When she sold their home, she moved in just around the corner (a 2 minute walk away!).

Any thoughts and comments really appreciated.

What are you looking for? He has a friendly relationship with his ex. This is not for you to control.

He isn't going to jeopardise a relationship with his sons mother because you don't like it. After six months.
You are entitled to feel how you feel but if it's not for you then end it. Making things sour with his ex could compromise his relationship with his son

Although you cannot control it you may want to think if this is the relationship for you in the long term. My Dh ex is a piece of work and tried to invite herself on a family day when he was spending time with his adult dc and I was giving him some space to. He told her it was not appropriate and she was not invited as he was now married and she was not his family. She caused alsorts of issues and vile towards me. I did not have to tell DH how to respond he did it automatically as he has respect for me.

Thanks everyone for your replies. I really appreciate it! You’re all right in that it’s my issue. Which I completely own. I guess I am happy that he is friendly with his ex, but wondered if he could do this in a more boundaried way. I suppose my best bet is to bow out gracefully.

I don’t want to cause any friction between him and his ex that might impact negatively on his child. That would be awful. I suppose I wanted him to change, but the only person that can do that is me - either accept all the communication and friendship or not. And I can’t accept that he’s messaging her whilst he’s in bed with me. And at all times of the day or night! It’s totally my issue and I will take on board all of your comments. I think it’s best for me to just leave them all to it. Because this isn’t about me in the long-term, is it? It’s about a small child who didn’t choose any of this, bless him.

I think it's very weird to message your ex 5-10 times a day over how much items cost etc. Has she ever moved on? Are you his first relationship since his split?

They still seem very dependent on each other.

I think any new partner is going to feel the way you do OP about the level & nature of contact between them. I don’t think they’re properly separated (emotionally, practically) & it must be so frustrating given otherwise your relationship with him & his son is so good. I would let him know that it could cause issues for future relationships for him - but he will presumably figure that out when/if it happens again. Has his ex met anyone else? Good luck.

See, I have the same relationship with my exH as your partner does with his ex.

We are very friendly, text and call most days, go out for coffee now and again and co-parent very closely, send each other photos of our daughter, our horses, funny memes and pictures etc.

There is ABSOLUTELY nothing romantic or sexual between us, we've been divorced 8 years. He was an utterly lousy husband (he would freely admit that, unfaithful twice and a compulsive gambler) but he is an amazing dad and our daughter has always come first. He has also stayed single the last 5 years by choice to put everything into his career and our daughter.

My partner is you in this situation. He feels uncomfortable with the friendship and has requested (politely and not politely) that we don't speak unless its specifically about arrangements for our daughter. I will never give up the friendship, it works for the two of us and our daughter and I'm not doing anything wrong as there's definitely no inappropriate interest from either side.

Please please just try and see it that he's trying to do what's best for his child - that bodes well for you as a couple in future if you have kids!

Thanks so much everyone for your fantastic messages. It’s really good to hear other perspectives - which is keeping me going when I feel so sad. It’s just a really sad situation. For everyone I suppose.

Just to answer a couple of questions - they’ve been separated 3.5 years. I think my partner has had a couple of relationships in this time but nothing serious. His ex has never met anyone or dated anyone (to his knowledge).

They do seem very close and I suppose I’ve never been in this position before. I think the other reason I struggle with things is because he hasn’t been open or honest about the level of their relationship - if he’d explained how ‘close’ they were at the beginning (I assumed they were just being friendly for the sake of their child, rather than anything quite so intense!). He seems to message his ex privately - and often puts his phone on DND (or face down). So I suppose this also arouses my intuition. I think if it was all out in the open, I’d feel a bit better about it.

thanks again everyone - you are really helping me in this really difficult situation. Also, just to say he’s completely backed off now and cancelled our plans for the weekend. So I think I can probably work out where I stand. Thank you for being there and listening to me. It’s good to know that you’re there!

If I knew someone that wanted to text about the price of toilet roll, I'd be glad they didn't expect me to do that.

Not that you'd be entitled, but the fact he won't show you the messages, but is happy to read aloud what they supposedly say, and the phone face down....

He knows he'd be single if you actually saw the messages.

Dump this loser

@TwinsAndTiramisu Yes - you have a point there! He said he wasn’t comfortable showing me the messages, as he didn’t want to “disrespect her (the ex) privacy”. He said that he was worried about showing me messages from her as he didn’t have her permission to share them and that he felt uncomfortable about this. Previously, we’ve had the “shall we share phone codes” discussion. I was really happy to give him mine, but he wouldn’t give me his in return. This left me wondering what he had to hide!

@ThinWomansBrain You’re right there! The conversation she started about toilet roll clearly highlighted the over-familiarity between them. And that sadly, I’m not sure she has anyone else to discuss the price of toilet roll with. Not that any friends would be particularly keen to have that discussion!

As nicey nice and grown up as this sounds I wouldn't like it...end of...so I would just let them be and move on...

Hello love. This isn't normal behaviour. Sounds like the pilot light is still on.
Wish him good luck & move on.

They do spout this crap don't they. Imagine you and I were at the pub, and I said my mother had just text me a picture of a meal she just received in a restaurant. But rather than show you, I describe the plate of food, then tell you I can't actually show you as to not "disrespect her privacy." Then turned my phone over.

When you hear it like that, you realise what a liar he is. In contrast, he's more than happy enough to disrespect your intelligence it seems.

These aren't conversations about his child he's trying to hide. He's claiming these are messages as innocuous as discussing household goods. And none of that gives reason for him to hide the screen of his phone.

He's beyond a liar.

He’s not the man for you. Time to move on

I really appreciate your comments everyone. They are helping me to make sense of my feelings and also my intuition. I’ve questioned myself and my feelings for months now; feeling like I was wrong or going bananas in my head. I’ve always had this sense of him keeping something (hidden) from me. And the example that @TwinsAndTiramisu gave was super helpful - it really helped to shine a light on what he was saying.

You know that feeling where you’re being told things that kind of sound reasonable, but deep inside you know there’s an issue? I’m can’t really explain it, but it has always made me feel kind of anxious.

When I met my husband him and his ex were like this . I didnt ask to see any messages. None of my business .
I did not dictate what he did . I was happy they both had their child as the priority.
It wasnt until I met her and she realised that we were serious that things turned sour.
Plans would be changed last minute. She would call during our nights out.
I was very patient but one night she demanded that hubby was to go round and fix her TV . I shook my head and he refused.
The poop hit the fan then and child access became difficult and things were stirred up with other family members.
It didnt split us up and we got married a good few years ago.
She stopped speaking but child old enough to see us when they want now.

Maybe your chappies wife feels threatened hence the frequent contact.
Your boyfriend may be enjoying the attention too

@Oldlady62 Many thanks for your message and your perspective. I wonder if my partner’s ex does feel threatened in some way - it’s be interesting to see if her messages escalate when I’m with my partner and his son (we often get together at the weekend). Sadly, it’s really difficult to help him to open up about them. I really have to push to get him to open up about them. He’s not forthcoming at all! The only reason he gave me some information about the context of some of the messages recently was because I was in floods of tears and told him that my intuition told me that he was keeping something from me. I think if he was more upfront about their communication, I wouldn’t have felt quite so uncomfortable. It’s often what is not said that is the most telling?

It'll be interesting to see if this level of contact continues when she meets a new partner. I doubt it.

I'd be fine with a friendly amicable co parenting relationship but this sounds way over the top.

@CarrieSmisher I agree - I don’t think it would if she met someone new. Although I’m not sure that’s going to happen! She is completely enmeshed and dependent on her ex (my partner)…..it’s almost like she said to him 3.5 years ago “I don’t want to live with you or have the hassle of doing so, but I want you in my life for everything else still”. Mind you, it would be interesting to see how any new partner that she might meet would manage this situation.

OP, all communication between exes who share a child/children should be only about the children- arrangements, school stuff etc. Also no need for phone calls, just messages.