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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Visiting

23 replies

Pinkgrass · 11/03/2023 09:22

AIBU.... my parents expect us to visit regularly but never visit us. They constantly ask when we are bringing "our babies" to see them. I visit once a week but they still pester me to bring the children more often (age 4 and 9 months)
Every single visit is them complaining we live too far away from them (40 minute drive 🙄) thats why they don't visit us, yet its not too far to drive to them when I'm packing the car up with 2 young children and they want me to do it more often! They have visited my house once since the birth of my second for context.

OP posts:
RampantIvy · 11/03/2023 09:30

Just tell them that your next visit will be after they have come to see you.

Marchforward · 11/03/2023 09:32

Next time they ask tell them it’s not fair to drag the kids on a ling journey every week and it’s there turn. Would like to come over for lunch on Sat?

timeforchampagne · 11/03/2023 09:32

Every time they ask, reply and say you’re welcome to come over & see us at x, y times but I won’t be able to get to you again until next week.

That is if you want to see them more. If not a quick reply to say you can’t wait to see them next week but have to much on to come again before

rinse and repeat until they get the hint

smellyflowers · 11/03/2023 09:32

I had this with in laws. What helped was having a date for the next visit booked in before we left.

SkyandSurf · 11/03/2023 09:32

RampantIvy · 11/03/2023 09:30

Just tell them that your next visit will be after they have come to see you.

Yeah this. Stop pandering to them

CC4712 · 11/03/2023 09:36

Do they have any health issues which could affect the driving and make it more tricky?

So if you have been visiting them weekly, you only have 1 day in the week off to yourselves! Unless you are happy with that, I'd be cutting back visits too.

Verylongtime · 11/03/2023 09:39

Seeing them once a week is too often. Let them know that it doesn’t suit - you have plans, the older child has activities to get to etc. Book in the next time you will visit. Tell them you need to take turns and they need to visit next.

NurseCranesRolodex · 11/03/2023 09:45

Sounds like a habit that's developed.

"kids have written you an invite for lunch on Sunday, excited for you visiting us. Let us know which Sunday you'll see us"

Original poster
Pinkgrass · 11/03/2023 09:59

NurseCranesRolodex · 11/03/2023 09:45

Sounds like a habit that's developed.

"kids have written you an invite for lunch on Sunday, excited for you visiting us. Let us know which Sunday you'll see us"

Yep that's exactly it! A habit that was ok before my second born and going back to work

OP posts:
Original poster
Pinkgrass · 11/03/2023 09:59

CC4712 · 11/03/2023 09:36

Do they have any health issues which could affect the driving and make it more tricky?

So if you have been visiting them weekly, you only have 1 day in the week off to yourselves! Unless you are happy with that, I'd be cutting back visits too.

Nope both in 60s retired fit and healthy and drive. Seem to have plenty of time for other people but don't visit us!

OP posts:
Verylongtime · 11/03/2023 10:02

Pinkgrass · 11/03/2023 09:59

Nope both in 60s retired fit and healthy and drive. Seem to have plenty of time for other people but don't visit us!

Show quote history

Then that settles it. They need to visit you -if and when it suits you. They’re your parents. Don’t they understand how busy you will be? They should want to help make your life a bit easier. At some point, the children will start objecting to travelling there so often too.

longwayoff · 11/03/2023 10:22

Your turn next. Let's arrange a date now.

FoxInSocksSatOnBlocks · 11/03/2023 10:23

Just tell them you have to take it in turns.

Hungrycaterpillarsmummy · 11/03/2023 10:25

I'd not even be going weekly, op.
Why are you doing this?

Do they kick off if you don't do things their way?

Original poster
Pinkgrass · 11/03/2023 10:37

Hungrycaterpillarsmummy · 11/03/2023 10:25

I'd not even be going weekly, op.
Why are you doing this?

Do they kick off if you don't do things their way?

Yep they guilt me about it, about how far away I live and how I'm depriving them of the grandchildren. It's not worth not going due to the guilt I'd recieve. Also compare us to their friends who see their grandchildren most days and live next door basically 🙄 it's hard work

OP posts:
CC4712 · 11/03/2023 10:41

Are the other grandparents around? IF you were also guilt tripped and forced to see them on a weekly basis- when would you EVER time to yourselves???

You need to stand up to them OP. You have your own family now and shouldn't be pandering them. Weekly visits is ridiculous!

Verylongtime · 11/03/2023 11:53

Pinkgrass · 11/03/2023 10:37

Yep they guilt me about it, about how far away I live and how I'm depriving them of the grandchildren. It's not worth not going due to the guilt I'd recieve. Also compare us to their friends who see their grandchildren most days and live next door basically 🙄 it's hard work

Show quote history

If they think 40 minutes is far, then, even more obviously, they should be taking time to visit you, them being retired and having lots of disposable time -which you don’t.

RampantIvy · 11/03/2023 12:04

and how I'm depriving them of the grandchildren.

They are depriving themsleves of the grandchildren.

I would feel inclined to say "I will come and visit you as often as you come and visit me".

DH has said that to his sister who constantly tries to guilt trip him into visiting her. It doesn't work, and he visits her when it suits him (she lives nearly 3 hours away)

Hungrycaterpillarsmummy · 11/03/2023 17:15

Pinkgrass · 11/03/2023 10:37

Yep they guilt me about it, about how far away I live and how I'm depriving them of the grandchildren. It's not worth not going due to the guilt I'd recieve. Also compare us to their friends who see their grandchildren most days and live next door basically 🙄 it's hard work

Show quote history

Have a look at FOG. The fear, obligation, guilt cycle.

You shouldn't be doing this just to avoid even more grief. It seems like they don't view you as an adult.

I'd at least be reducing your journey to every other week and say to them to now alternate visits.

Hbh17 · 11/03/2023 17:18

So grow a backbone and stop going! Once every 2 or 3 months is more than enough.

tiggergoesbounce · 11/03/2023 17:25

Its absolutely fine to explain every week is just too much at the moment.

I am starting to try and put our DC first to stop running around seeing everyone. I have started to say, we are giving this weekend a miss to visit the in laws and giving our DC some time at home.
They are welcome to visit us if they would like to, its not in an annoyed way, just putting him first now

TheOrigRights · 11/03/2023 19:12

Do you enjoy the visits when you are there? Do they cook you a meal, mind the kids so you can have some down time?
I mean, if there are advantages to you going then maybe accept it, but if you don't, then speak up.

rothbury · 11/03/2023 19:16

I can't really understand why you keep going.

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