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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Whats the point in signing this if my husband can say 'no'

147 replies

drageon · 11/03/2023 06:38

My mother died a few years ago. She had cancer for a few years and we knew she was going to die. She also knew.

While she was still able to consent, she signed a form saying she didn't want to go to hospital again and she wanted to die at home. She was taken to hospital during lockdown and never came home. She spent her last few weeks alone without even a single phone call (she couldn't speak at this point or was able to use a mobile phone).

I am so angry that my dad was able to just refute her wishes (although I understand why he did, he was desperate) and her previous wishes were disregarded.
She was definitely "still in there" as we would have family gatherings and she would be silent, then after what I expected was a tremendous effort, she managed to say something about plastic pollution and everyone was surprised.
I love her so much and I can't believe she had to die alone without a single person who knew or loved her.

The ambulance that took her away asked if she had signed the no hospital form and dad said she had, but he wanted her to go anyway so they took her and she never came home. I didn't even get to say goodbye.

OP posts:
Pippa12 · 11/03/2023 06:42

I’m so sorry for your loss, this situation sounds devastating for you all. Why did your dad go against your mums wishes?

carriedout · 11/03/2023 06:45

I'm so sorry for your loss Flowers

The point of signing it is to provide the possibility of your preference being available, but yes circumstances will dictate whether it is achievable when the time comes.

Zcity · 11/03/2023 06:46

This is so sad, if this was my mum then I'd never get over it. It must be so painful for you. She deserved to be surrounded by loved ones, at home.

I can only imagine your Dad thought she would be coming back home again? Does he talk about it at all?

Original poster
drageon · 11/03/2023 06:47

She got really ill really fast, he didn't want her to die.
I understand the desperation of the situation. I didn't want her to die either but she didn't want to die alone and death is inevitable.

I'm angry that her wishes were disregarded by the hospital/ ambulance. what's the point in asking or signing anything when my husband can decide for me if I'm not able to? He didn't even lie. He said she'd signed it but he wanted her to go to hospital. It was the first lockdown so no visitors.

OP posts:
Original poster
drageon · 11/03/2023 06:49

yes he thought when they rung that it was to pick her up, but they actually called to say she has died.
we had no communication for almost 3 weeks until she'd gone.

OP posts:
Retractable · 11/03/2023 06:50

It was lockdown though. There wasn’t going to be any comfortable dying at home surrounded by loved ones. It would just have been your dad trying to care for her alone.

Lovelyveg82 · 11/03/2023 06:52

Has she stayed at home

presumably he would have been looking after her? Presumably doubly incontinent and very very ill?

Marchforward · 11/03/2023 06:53

Did you come and offer to care for her 24/7?

Lovelyveg82 · 11/03/2023 06:53

I would never ever ever sign a no hospital form.

why? Because I wouldn’t want that for my loved ones. To be responsible for my extensive and all consuming care needs in my final days

Original poster
drageon · 11/03/2023 06:53

@retractable no, the family was helping with caring whenever we were able. it was in the rules

OP posts:
Retractable · 11/03/2023 06:54

what's the point in asking or signing anything when my husband can decide for me if I'm not able to?

Try to remember that your husband would be the one picking up the care and other logistics to enable it to happen. As much as he loves you, he might not be able to cope.

carriedout · 11/03/2023 06:54

drageon · 11/03/2023 06:47

She got really ill really fast, he didn't want her to die.
I understand the desperation of the situation. I didn't want her to die either but she didn't want to die alone and death is inevitable.

I'm angry that her wishes were disregarded by the hospital/ ambulance. what's the point in asking or signing anything when my husband can decide for me if I'm not able to? He didn't even lie. He said she'd signed it but he wanted her to go to hospital. It was the first lockdown so no visitors.

I don't think it is fair to blame the ambulance staff, they could not really leave an ill person unless the person they were leaving them with was ok with it, and you say your dad said he wanted her to go in.

They won't be allowed to leave a person unless they are confident they can be cared for at home.

Lovelyveg82 · 11/03/2023 06:55

I'm angry that her wishes were disregarded by the hospital/ ambulance.

I can guarantee there isn’t a medic or paramedic that would have a “no hospital” request if they were on the cusp of death and the option was staying at home with no care plan set up… simply one aged husband.

Outliers · 11/03/2023 06:55

YABU but it's understandable given how early you are into the grieving process.

Your dad's offense provides an outlet for which to direct the overwhelming emotions.

Take it day by day

Badbudgeter · 11/03/2023 06:56

Retractable · 11/03/2023 06:50

It was lockdown though. There wasn’t going to be any comfortable dying at home surrounded by loved ones. It would just have been your dad trying to care for her alone.

This. It’s an incredible burden to put on one person. I don’t know if I’d be strong enough to care for someone I loved dying with support never mind without.

Lovelyveg82 · 11/03/2023 06:56

drageon · 11/03/2023 06:53

@retractable no, the family was helping with caring whenever we were able. it was in the rules

You were helping with caring whenever you could

your mother would have been doubly incontinent, no doubt in serious discomfort and requiring extensive medication needs. 24 hours a day

whatkatydid2013 · 11/03/2023 06:56

I’m so sorry for your loss and can understand entirely why you are so upset. I think with the restrictions around Covid it would have been very difficult, if not impossible, for your dad to manage at home. I think as well that medical staff were under so much pressure at that time that even if they’d ordinarily have worked on plans to help support your dad at home they might just not have had the resources for it during covid lockdowns.

Original poster
drageon · 11/03/2023 06:58

@Lovelyveg82 yes je had to care for her 24/7 except when others were available with kids and jobs it was a drop in the ocean.
it just seems so cruel to send a beautiful woman away to die with strangers.
she was very ill before lockdown, the form wasn't signed then.
also she was having help, going to a hospice for my dad, so he could have some respite.

I just can't believe she had to die alone.
my dad looked after her.

OP posts:
WaltzingWaters · 11/03/2023 06:58

I’m so sorry for your loss. My mum also died just before the first lockdown and as much as I obviously wish she hadn’t been there at all, I’m so grateful it was before the lockdown, I couldn’t imagine not being able to visit.
I imagine your dad thought she would get more help and live longer with being taken to hospital. I’m so sorry that she wasn’t able to come home again. It does seem crazy that she could sign that and then not have it respected, but I guess your dad acted in desperation.
maybe you could have a few counselling sessions to work through coming to terms with your mum passing away in the hospital?

GoodVibesHere · 11/03/2023 06:59

I'm sorry for your loss. You can't be sure she would've had a 'better' death at home, she might've died painfully without the right medication and care. It depends what she died of.

But I can see it must be upsetting that her wishes were not followed.

Lovelyveg82 · 11/03/2023 06:59

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Lovelyveg82 · 11/03/2023 07:02

How old is your father?

I can’t imagine anything more depressing than being in lockdown, mainly alone in your home with your dying wife responsible for her end of life care and no doubt seeing her in tremendous discomfort

Zcity · 11/03/2023 07:02

drageon · 11/03/2023 06:58

@Lovelyveg82 yes je had to care for her 24/7 except when others were available with kids and jobs it was a drop in the ocean.
it just seems so cruel to send a beautiful woman away to die with strangers.
she was very ill before lockdown, the form wasn't signed then.
also she was having help, going to a hospice for my dad, so he could have some respite.

I just can't believe she had to die alone.
my dad looked after her.

I absolutely agree OP, it's awful her wishes weren't respected, and tragic that it was during covid so she had no visitors. As I said, I honestly don't know how I'd come to terms with that if it was my mum.

And the wider issue is, what's the bloody point of those forms if someone can brush it to one side?

Original poster
drageon · 11/03/2023 07:03

GoodVibesHere · 11/03/2023 06:59

I'm sorry for your loss. You can't be sure she would've had a 'better' death at home, she might've died painfully without the right medication and care. It depends what she died of.

But I can see it must be upsetting that her wishes were not followed.

you're right. I'm just angry I guess.

it's e actually exactly what she would have chose herself. she wouldn't want to be a burden. that's why I'm angry too though- she always put herself first.

no I wasn't there 24 hours a day. I couldn't but I fucking wish I could have been. if she was dying now I could have afforded it. How sickening is that?

OP posts:
PaintByLetters · 11/03/2023 07:03

OP, I am sorry for your loss and I mean this kindly, but you really need to access some bereavement counselling to process this. You won't find the help you need on an anonymous internet forum.

Your dad did what he thought best in a moment of unparalleled personal crisis, during a period of unprecedented global crisis. He is only human.

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