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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think his mum is putting him in an impossible position?

19 replies

Timeandthymeagain · 11/03/2023 03:32

DSS moved in full time with us 3 weeks ago, he was meant to stay for 3 months whilst his mum did some training in another state. This was dropped on us without any consultation, whilst my parents are visiting and DH was travelling often with work, essentially turning our lives upside down, cancelling plans and having to rearrange work to accommodate this. She also wanted DH to take out a 15k loan to finance this. (He didn't)
DSS by all accounts has been enjoying his time with us, seems really settled, happy and enjoying time with his grandparents.
DH got a text this morning, she's back, training didn't work and she wants DSS back with her (where he belongs). He's now in an impossible position, he's enjoying being settled with us, not moving between 2 homes, spending quality time with his dad and grandad especially. But if he doesn't go rushing back to his mum, he knows he'll upset her and the pressure will be on. AIBU to think she caused so much bloody upset to do this 'life changing training' that she should have just stuck it out for once, and that's she's now putting DSS in an impossible situation where he has to make a choice? Seem's incredibly selfish, again.

OP posts:
Littlefaeries · 11/03/2023 03:40

How old is dss?

Dc usually feel guilty.This is the problem.

If he's a teenager then I think his dh should chat to him and let him know he has a choice.

If he's under 13 then I think your dh should be firm with his ex that the dc is staying as arranged but you will obviously be guided by dc if they really want to return to their dm's.

Original poster
Timeandthymeagain · 11/03/2023 03:50

He's 15.

OP posts:
UdoU · 11/03/2023 04:21

YANBU, could DH not frame it as DSS enjoying time with his granddad and this opportunity doesn’t come often?

ohdoleavemealoneplease · 11/03/2023 04:27

Do you want him to stay with you or return to his mum?

P3N · 11/03/2023 05:23

Say he stays until the three months is up. That's what plans where made. It's for his best interest. He's settled, so is this matter.
Poor DSS needs some stability. Remind him it's not forever and this was the original plan. His DM plan.

Rightsraptor · 11/03/2023 05:37

Did you post recently about this woman wanting your DH to take out the loan for her training and all her other nonsense, OP? I seem to recall a very similar situation. If you are one & the same, I'm so glad your DH didn't take out the loan, especially since the training 'didn't work'.

She seems utterly unreliable and flighty. She needs to sort herself out. You say DSS could remain with you. It seems he'd want to and he's of an age where his views should be a strong factor. He won't yet know it, but his mother is quite likely to continue manipulating him for life (you say he doesn't want to upset her about this). It might be better to put your collective foot down now. The boy stays with you, with visits to his mother of course. She won't like it, we know, but it could be the best long term solution.

Hellopello · 11/03/2023 06:05

Suggest Dh explain to his mum that he prepared himself for the change and then settled down to enjoy his time with grandpa and family and now feels stressed that he would need to abandon her previous request
Tell Dh to suggest to DSS mum that you would all like to continue with plans as expected

Does DSS live 50-50 at his parents homes. or in a different shared care arrangement that is not working well for him? Sounds like DSS would prefer not to live in a suitcase between two homes and have most time living at one home ?

smellyflowers · 11/03/2023 06:13

Maybe agree to stop the agreement after 2 months?

smellyflowers · 11/03/2023 06:13

Unless DSS decides he wants to stay 3 months.

He's not a toy to be shunted round. She sounds awful.

FourTeaFallOut · 11/03/2023 06:33

What's happening with school while all this is going on?

Original poster
Timeandthymeagain · 11/03/2023 06:36

@Rightsraptor - yes that's right. Apparently she would pay back the loan of 15k in full in September after her first paycheque. So it was no risk to us.....never mind the fact the job she retraining to do doesn't clear 180,000k AFTER TAX!!!! She is completely unstable and I don't want DSS subjected to any more of her utter nonsense.

OP posts:
Original poster
Timeandthymeagain · 11/03/2023 07:00

The test will be tonight, he's gone out with mates this afternoon near his mum's. Let's see if he comes here goes back to his mum's.

OP posts:
carriedout · 11/03/2023 07:04

I don't want DSS subjected to any more of her utter nonsense you need to step back a bit. At 15 he can start to make choices. Offer a stable alternative. But you can't start to dictate to your step child here.

Complicated situations are difficult for children, don't make it worse for him by getting territorial.

Original poster
Timeandthymeagain · 11/03/2023 08:05

I'm not dictating, but it's just so utterly exhausting sitting back and watching his mum cause him more heart ache.

OP posts:
Original poster
Timeandthymeagain · 11/03/2023 11:02

He didn't come back, his mum went to collect him Angry

OP posts:
Original poster
Timeandthymeagain · 11/03/2023 21:22

Bump.

OP posts:
MadMadMadamMim · 11/03/2023 21:26

I don't think you can do much about it then, OP. His mum picked him up and he went. I'd step back and make no comment.

Emmamoo89 · 11/03/2023 21:26

Yanbu x

ThinWomansBrain · 11/03/2023 21:28

Must be hard for you - but equally hard for him stuck between you all, and possibly feeling guilty (or being emotionally blackmailed) about his mother being on her own if he isn't there.

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