Is this a red flag?

[Platemelon]

Is bending the truth or omitting details on small things a red flag for a bigger issue?

My fiancé previously dated a girl I know.
When it came up he played it down as a fling that he didn’t want to continue and broke off

I have found out that it was more than a fling to her at least - she was in love with him

We were not together and we all have a past BUT I can’t help feeling uneasy at how the stories differ. My friends say forget it, no one spills all the gory details on past lovers

I have been hurt in the past by liars. Am I hypersensitive or is this a red flag?

If I’m getting upset over nothing how do I draw a line under it? He is otherwise a decent bloke. I can’t get it out of my head

Difficult to say. It might have been just a fling to him and much more to her, I’ve certainly had those kind of relationships in the past.

Hmm...I guess arguably it could mean he isn't very compassionate (playing down a relationship where feelings were involved as unimportant). How does he treat the women in his life in general? How does he speak of other exs? (Eg: any hints at mysoginy?).

Also, if hes a fiancé then presumably you've been together a couple of years at least...so, any prior indication of lies or ommisions or exaggeration of truths from him?

I’d say no, it’s not a red flag, if he’s not otherwise dishonest or evasive in other areas.

You’ve said you want to draw a line - a good way to do that is articulate to yourself what specifically is preventing you from doing that? Are you worried he didn’t treat her very well or something? Or that he has form for blowing hot and cold? If so, I’d be thinking as long as he’s not dismissive of your feelings, and treats you well, no great good can come out of you reading too much into how he might have felt about her or why he acted as he did. People are allowed to break up with people, even people who love them, right? Maybe he’s embarrassed to tell you too much about his past feelings, you could see how it could go either way, if he said he loved her too, then you might reasonably ask why they split, and so on and so on. It’s not a subject too
many men want to chat about. Or she might have been too intense but he doesn’t want to be That Guy who talks shit about exes (a really big 🚩!)

If it’s mainly about transparency, it’s also by no means a done deal he’s lying at all. It’s totally feasible she simply felt more strongly than he did. Every relationship represents different things to the participants, doesn’t it? I’d see an issue if it turned out they lived together or were engaged or whatever and he flat-out lied about that. But I bet there’s a few of us here who could still describe every detail about some lad who ‘broke our heart’ while he’d struggle to pick us out of a lineup. Doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with them or they’re up to no good now.

It very well may have been a fling to him, and she may have had much stronger feelings than he did.

I'm not really seeing the problem here, and it's weird that you're automatically thinking he must be lying or "omitting details."

The reality is that he has every right to obmit details if he so chooses. This past relationship is absolutely none of your business, and he is under no obligation to share everything with you. You're not just being hypersensitive, you're being controlling if you expect him to tell you everything about his past loves.

*When it came up he played it down as a fling that he didn’t want to continue and broke off

I have found out that it was more than a fling to her at least - she was in love with him*

And both of them are probably telling the truth the relationship meant different things to each of them, probably why it didn't last.

I don't see why it's making you uneasy, I'm sure most of us have been in a relationship which is unbalanced when it comes to the level of feelings involved

You're turning into something it's not

How long did the "fling" last? If it was just a couple of months then it was probably a case of her having more feelings than him. I've been in short "relationships" in the past where I was in love and the man wasn't at all.

If he's generally open and honest let it go. If you've had other reasons to doubt things he's said then it could be a red flag. Depends on the context. "Flings" don't really last more than a few months so if the relationship lasted longer I'd be concerned about what exactly he was covering up and why.

If their relationship was done before you met, it really doesn't concern you. What would be to gain from him saying 'ok I was in love with her but it didn't work out'?
Realistically he's been in previous relationships and had feelings for people before you. If a man was here saying he was angry his partner hadn't told him all the ins and outs of her previous relationship, people would be worried