To think this is unfair

happytobetoldimwrong · 2023-03-10T21:08:42+00:00

So I'm in my mid forties. When I turned 40 I celebrated with friends , Dh treated me and we had a meal with my family, it was lovely. My in-laws got me a usual gift which was absolutely fine. Fast forward 4 years and sil (dh brothers wife) is turning 40 , ils asked me what they did for my fortieth to which I said they had got me a gift. They said they were planning to treat sil as it's a special birthday but couldn't remember what they had done for me. I felt awkward as they hadn't done a bigger treat for me. Then dh said he was planning to give sil a larger gift as it's her 40th. Again bil and sil didn't do anything extra for me. Aibu to be put out that they all want to treat sil on her 40th but didn't think to do it for me? Or should I be grateful they do get me a gift at birthdays and not compare what they do for sil? (Sil and I are both the in-laws )

PaigeMatthews · 10/03/2023 21:11

What did you say to your dh?

Singularity82 · 10/03/2023 21:16

I get it, OP.
but it doesn’t sound like it’s been intentional. The fact they couldn’t remember with yours says it isn’t a favouritism thing. What gift did they get you exactly?
did you remind them exactly what it was?

Summerishere123 · 10/03/2023 21:19

I think I would feel put out by this but wouldn't say anything. Doesn't sound deliberate.

Mortimercat · 10/03/2023 21:21

I wouldn’t give it much thought.

Coffeellama · 10/03/2023 21:23

You aren’t kids and your birthday was several years ago, things don’t need to be that ‘fair’. Is your SIL their DD or also their DIL?

Pinkypurplecloud · 10/03/2023 21:24

Honestly comparing sizes of birthday treats and talking about things being “unfair” is what my primary aged children do. You had a lovely birthday, it was several years ago (people and relationships and finances change), they bought you a nice gift, it sounds like you otherwise have a good relationship, they aren’t even your own parents….

Unless there’s a massive backstory then forget about it, wish SIL an happy birthday in whatever manner your DH and family decide and move on.

ourflagmeansdeath · 10/03/2023 21:25

Coffeellama · 10/03/2023 21:23

You aren’t kids and your birthday was several years ago, things don’t need to be that ‘fair’. Is your SIL their DD or also their DIL?

It says they're both the in-laws

DrHousecuredme · 10/03/2023 21:29

I get it op and hand on heart I think this type of thinking is hard to avoid
But, you know the saying
"Comparison is the thief of joy" ?

Honestly, try to let it go, enjoy your family and sil's birthday. These things aren't really important in the grand scheme of things.

JudgeRudy · 10/03/2023 21:31

I don't think you can simply compare A with B. To start with I think Covid has changed some people. It's subtle but some are realising how much lived one's mean to them and want to 'celebrate' all things family. A 14 year old is very different to a 10 year old. Don't be jealous if they seem to make more of a fuss of your SIL. You said yourself you had a great birthday and any party arranged, you'll surely be invited. I really don't think it's any indication of how much your lived or valued. I bet there wasn't too much done for your OH either....unless you did it. Perhaps SIL OH is rubbish at organising anything so others are chipping in.
BTW, the years will fly by now. Before you know it, it'll be your 50th

MysweetAudrina · 10/03/2023 21:32

I wouldn't even care if it was my sibling and my own parents that chose to celebrate their birthday differently in terms of price, activity etc.. I'm an adult. I certainly wouldn't notice or care if it was mu in-laws.

Hankunamatata · 10/03/2023 21:40

Perhaps sil doesn't have group of friends to celebrate with, perhaps her family isn't doing anything, perhaps she is having a hard time and bil has asked family to do something special, who knows

Bigmirrorssmallrooms · 10/03/2023 21:41

Oh mate, your mid forties, competing over size of gifts is a poor show.

GoodChat · 10/03/2023 21:42

You had a lovely birthday - don't be jealous of somebody else having the same opportunity.

patrickbatemansbusinesscard · 10/03/2023 21:43

Sorry 40 you say or 4?

Bigmirrorssmallrooms · 10/03/2023 21:49

The worst part of this op is they know you well and so they asked what they got you and they were right, you are jealous. They should never even have considered asking as being necessary. You’re not a bloody child.

I can’t imagine being remotely concerned if my sils gift was more expensive than mine or caring what she got. Good lord.

Original poster

happytobetoldimwrong · 10/03/2023 21:54

Singularity82 · 10/03/2023 21:16

I get it, OP.
but it doesn’t sound like it’s been intentional. The fact they couldn’t remember with yours says it isn’t a favouritism thing. What gift did they get you exactly?
did you remind them exactly what it was?

I can't remember 🤦‍♀️ but it was a typical gift - slippers/chocs etc

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Original poster

happytobetoldimwrong · 10/03/2023 21:55

Coffeellama · 10/03/2023 21:23

You aren’t kids and your birthday was several years ago, things don’t need to be that ‘fair’. Is your SIL their DD or also their DIL?

Also their dil. Yes I'm am questioning if I'm thinking like a child. It genuinely didn't bother me when they weren't overly interested when I turned 40 as not everyone'does' birthdays but it's the change of mind.

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Original poster

happytobetoldimwrong · 10/03/2023 21:57

JudgeRudy · 10/03/2023 21:31

I don't think you can simply compare A with B. To start with I think Covid has changed some people. It's subtle but some are realising how much lived one's mean to them and want to 'celebrate' all things family. A 14 year old is very different to a 10 year old. Don't be jealous if they seem to make more of a fuss of your SIL. You said yourself you had a great birthday and any party arranged, you'll surely be invited. I really don't think it's any indication of how much your lived or valued. I bet there wasn't too much done for your OH either....unless you did it. Perhaps SIL OH is rubbish at organising anything so others are chipping in.
BTW, the years will fly by now. Before you know it, it'll be your 50th

It's many years until I am 50 😂 just kidding thank you, you make a good point.

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Maedan · 10/03/2023 21:59

Did they know it was your 40th at the time? I'd be a bit put out I'll admit, not that they didn't bother for my 40th but that they then did do something special for SIL. There's nothing you can say though, maybe her own family isn't bothering so they're making up. Or her DH may be pushier than yours. I think the fact they asked what they did for you shows it's not intentional. I also wouldn't let DH get SIL a bigger gift than usual but then I'm a petty cow and really can't stand my SIL 🤷

Original poster

happytobetoldimwrong · 10/03/2023 22:00

Bigmirrorssmallrooms · 10/03/2023 21:49

The worst part of this op is they know you well and so they asked what they got you and they were right, you are jealous. They should never even have considered asking as being necessary. You’re not a bloody child.

I can’t imagine being remotely concerned if my sils gift was more expensive than mine or caring what she got. Good lord.

They asked because they were trying to decide how to treat sil so were looking for ideas.

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Original poster

happytobetoldimwrong · 10/03/2023 22:02

Maedan · 10/03/2023 21:59

Did they know it was your 40th at the time? I'd be a bit put out I'll admit, not that they didn't bother for my 40th but that they then did do something special for SIL. There's nothing you can say though, maybe her own family isn't bothering so they're making up. Or her DH may be pushier than yours. I think the fact they asked what they did for you shows it's not intentional. I also wouldn't let DH get SIL a bigger gift than usual but then I'm a petty cow and really can't stand my SIL 🤷

No definitely not intentional. They did know as dh and I talked about it with them at time. I think it didn't occur to them at time.

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